Chapter 97 : waiting for the braking

Two long weeks passed me by in the monotony of Apple gate house and with them come the darkness. No longer able to pretend everything was all OK I sunk into my ghost like form of nothingness. I woke up, I did what I was told - apart from eating - and I went back to bed. I was awake in a nightmare. I didn’t try to kill myself and I didn’t even try to hurt myself. Not  because I wanted to live. Not because I didn’t need to it was simply because I didn’t have the energy. I went to school and I doodled over the pages as my grade slowly slipped from A*’s to B’s to C’s until my last English  work came back with a big red D written on it with and the words you can do better than this Mi scrawled In Bev’s messy hand writing. Of course she was right. If I had tried I could have aced it but what was the point? Why did it matter what I did.  I had been in here almost a month and there was no sign’s of me leaving. I was also no longer the new one, I had become one of the oldies, a part of the very shabby furniture.

 Bella had been moved from courage up a floor to Twilight, (needless to say she was totally impressed by the name.) because her trouble with breakfast had apparently been a temporary setback to her otherwise apparent rock solid recovery and in her place a shiny new toy in the form of a girl called Echo had come to reside in Courage. Also with Echo came another addition to the buildup menu with Bella and myself, though in reality she never touched her food. The tube in her nose was used more than any member of staff would have liked.  She was a painful reminder that I was treading on thin ice, for the number of times I had refused food lately was not good. The worse fact was I didn’t really care. I knew if I wasn’t eating the weight would be falling again and soon I would be nothing more substantial than smoke drifting on the breeze.

 was wrapped up on my bed in my same position as normal buried under a blanket even though it was summer. I was always cold lately. Bella spent all her free time in my room trying to convince me that if I ate I would not be cold, that if I ate I would feel a lot stronger, a lot more coherent, that if I ate my joints would work better and my hair would stop falling out, that if I ate my whole body wouldn’t hurt so much But Sophie decided she was only saying it because she wanted me to be fat, so I strived onwards ignoring her on my pursuit of complete perfection. Screw Emmet how could he know if it was real or not

A low but clear knock came upon my bedroom door knocking me out of my day dream it was half term now so school was out and so were the rest of the groups. Bed times were laxer and the rules, such as no one to be in lounge or room till after lunch on Mondays Tuesdays and Wednesdays where let off too and unless you were on build up, breakfast was when you wanted it. So as far as I knew I was allowed to be in my room  and I was no longer on any kind of observation bar the basic two hours so needless to say I was surprised by the interruption to myself imposed prison of darkness.

“Come in” I stuttered sitting myself up into a seating position. The familiar dizziness took over my head for a few seconds. It had been quite a while since I ate; possibly three to four days since I last ate anything at all and before that a glass of orange juice was all that sustained me.  I didn’t mind this though I liked the dizziness; to me it meant I was getting somewhere.

To my surprise though the door came Doctor Jordon followed by Esmee then Emmet. I knew the look on their faces all too well. Something was going to happen, something terrible, so I curled up back into my ball and put the blankets half over my head and waited for the breaking to begin.