Chapter 75 : nightmares

“He said don’t try to scream now but I want this one to hurt

And tonight my pretty one I’m going to get my money’s worth

He said they’ll never listen, he said they’ll never understand

I don’t do this for pleasure

I just do it Cuse I can”

3 Doors Down

Father’s son

That night sleep finally found me in a natural way without the use of sedative but with sleep the nightmares also came out to play.

 My body went ridged as the little crack of light appeared in the door way from the landing. Not again. As I got older this was happening less and less but tonight it was going to happen, as sure as the sun would rise in the morning. The light had signaled his arrival and there was nothing I could do to stop it now. He had chosen tonight to get his thrill.

  I had minutes to get myself into my floating mind, minutes to disassociate from my body and induce the numbness. Without the cover of nothingness and numbness I could not stand what was about to happen, I could not live through it again. I closed my eyes tight, a defense mechanism from my younger days but still I did it anyway. If I could not see him, he could not see me. It was stupid but it was all I had and it was better than nothing.

 The floor boards creaked in all the right places and I knew after the forth I would feel his arms slipping over my body. His right hand would head up under my pajama top and the left down into my underwear where he would find what he wanted from me, where he would destroy me from the inside out, where he would make me hurt while he enjoyed it.

 One… The first floor board creaked. I willed my soul to float away from my body, for the familiar numbness to come but even though I was now pinching my leg so hard  it was only making me more alert to the situation I was in. That wasn’t right. Why wasn’t it working, why could I still feel everything around me?

 Two… I felt my breath rise to hysteria and I scratched at the new cuts on my arms to try and get to the distant place where I wanted to be but nothing happened apart from the panic, an all-consuming fear.

 Three… I held my breath and prayed for something to stop him, to make him change his mind.

 four… His hands where on my body searching feverously for the objects he desired and I could feel it all, like my body had never been so alert in its whole life, Every nerve end reacting like it was pulsing with electricity. He found the place he was looking for with his left hand and slipped it inside. With his right hand he grabbed my breast still new and hardly developed but they were there and he liked that. They were still new and pure; something for him to play with, something for him to make dirty.

His whole body was on top of mine now weaving itself to every contour it found. I pushed away at him with my hands but it’s like I was trying to budge an air craft carrier he did not even feel my resistance. He did not hear my frantic breathing. He could not feel my fear. Either that or he just didn’t care.He kissed my mouth as I struggle more and now I’m screaming as his body became interlocked with mine causing the searing pain to rip up through me and we were falling clasped together into the nothing, into the all engulfing blackness.