Chapter 98 : red cold

Esmee smiled gently to me as she took a seat on the edge of my bed next to my tiny curled up body. She hesitated for a second but finely her caring instincts took over and she placed her hand on my back.  I’m glad they took over. This little physical contact I got was the only thing that made me feel better lately and I could tell I was going to need everything I could get to hold my soul together after they had finished with me.

 Doctor Jordan sat down on the floor with his back against the wall and following his lead Emmet sat down too, even if it was with a little less grace. I curled up a little bit tighter and even though it was unnoticeable edged a tiny bit closer to Esmee. Esmee was my safe person. She was always there and she always treated me gently. I felt most safe when Esmee was around.

 “Are you happy for me to talk to you like you are Mi or would you like to come to my office?” Doctor Jordan asked as he propped open a folder beside of him scanning the pages. I don’t think I would have had the energy to walk to his office any way even the smallest of things where zapping me lately.

 “Here’s fine.” I whispered

 “Well could you at least sit up please so you can join in the conversation?” I did what I was told and uncoiled myself heaving myself to upright again. The dizziness once again took over and my upper body swayed almost over balancing. Esmee grabbed hold of my arm to steady me.

 Are you all right?” She asked slowly releasing her grip as I started to become steadier. I nodded before raising my knees up to my chin and wrapping my arms around them. I feared if I wasn’t holding myself together after what he was going to say I would shatter into tiny splinters.

“We have just had a quick review of you Mi.” Dr. Jordan said leaning forward slightly grasping his hands together. “That is Esmee, Emmet and I as they are your primary care team. Jacob would of course have been invited to but he is off sick today so we had to go ahead and do it without him. Getting to the point though, Esmee and Emmet have been very concerned about a number of things. The three main ones being the severe depression you seem to be in at the moment. Your low observation levels in consideration to what happened last time you felt very depressed, and last but not least the amount you are eating and the fact it looks like you once again may be severely malnourished accompanied by plummeting weight loss Doctor Jordan stopped to gauge my reaction for a while but realizing my empty eyes said nothing he continued and now the breaking began fully.  “First off I have given you the official diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa, A possible borderline personality disorder and medium to sever depression. for the depression I am prescribing a mild anti-depressant. This isn’t a cure mind you but it might help to take the edge off.  I am also going to be prescribing you an anxiety medication and vitamin, iron and calcium supplements to try and battle the anima and stop your bones from crumbling. Do you have any questions about this?”

 

 shook my head. I knew it was coming, like Bella had told me a little while ago it was only a matter of time before they started trying to put me into boxes, started medicating me into an inch of my normal self. I suppose that didn’t matter much anymore any way. It felt like I had lost the real Mi a long time ago. The Mi I didn’t mind being.

 “So Mi, how are you feeling, really?” Doctor Jordan asked.

 “I’m Ok.” I mumbled in return, Resting my head back against the cool wall and closing my eyes. It took to much energy to support my own weight.

 “Well what about thoughts of harming yourself. Do you still want to do that?”

 “Yes.” I heard him scribble something down on the folder with his fountain pen. Everything about his presence grander then it should have been for an old NHS building full of old beyond their year’s teenagers. A biro would have been more appropriate, or even a stubbly pencil.

 “What about thought’s of killing yourself? Do you still want to do that?”

 “More than anything.”

 So if I gave you the ways and means of killing yourself right here in front of us now, would you?”

 “Definitely, you wouldn’t be able to stop me,” I said snapping my head up and setting the full force of my eyes on him. He had sparked the only bit off in me that made me feel alive. The longing to be dead. “You won’t keep me alive for ever. This place is just a life support machine. You just keep me breathing and my heart beating but I died long ago. My soul is in so many little bits. I am so broken. I can’t be fixed, or changed or healed. You just keep me suffering. The kindest thing would be to let me go.”

 Emmet sighed heavily from the corner which made me flash my eyes to him. Esmee who was sitting next to me took in a sharp intake of breath, as she once again placed a hand on my shoulder. Emmet looked at her and smiled gently. Esmee’s hand got firmer on my shoulder and my loathing raged inside of me like an angry monster no longer sedated. They could never see it my way but they had never felt this pain. Suicide wasn’t a choice at this stage. I didn’t just wake up and decide to die because I could. It was because whatever I had felt like it was killing me slowly. In most terminal cases they could manage the pain with drugs but there were no drugs for my condition and no guarantee that I would die soon. There was a chance I had another seventy or eighty years left, all of them agony. In that situation, who would choose to live?

 “Have you planned your suicide?” Doctor Jordan asked distracting me again.

 “Vividly.”

 “Will you tell me, how? When?”

 “No. I am not telling you any of this because secretly I am just crying out for help. I want to die and weather you stand in my way or not I will strive for it and take any opportunity that is presented to me,” I announced confidently managing to smile at Doctor Jordan. I felt Esmee’s hand squeeze me tighter.

 “I am sorry but it has to be arranged that Mi’s observations are elevated right up to red starting immediately,” Doctor Jordan said quietly to Emmet bowing his head in close to him suddenly completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the room. His whole tone changed as he talked to Emmet, the smooth, patronizing quality that leaked from it when he talked to me completely removed.

 “The Arm’s length precaution can be at the discrepancy of the staff nurses but  bathroom chaperones for toilet visits, showering and washing are at the moment a must and the activates must be watched by nurses, no turned backs ect. Also all sharps accessed are to be banned completely even if overseen by staff. Obviously suicide watch as well.” Emmet nodded glumly in straied agreement with Doctor Jordan. I panicked

         “No!” I gasped suddenly much more alert, “Please, please no! Not again, Please. Anything else, please.” I grasped frantically at something to hold on to and found Esmee first. She didn’t mind me squeezing her arm in fact she made it easier for me by turning her body towards me. Her perfect black sparkling eyes set on mine and the dams that had been holding back the tears erupted. “Esmee please, please.” I sobbed franticly, the tears dripping off of my cheeks as I squeezed my hands around one of Esmee’s arms.

 “Shhh,” Esmee soothed bringing her other hand up to my face tucking my hair behind my ears before she stroked the tears away with her fingers. “Shhh, it’s OK darling. It’s all right sweet heart. It won’t be for long and I will try to put myself on your observations as much as I can. Come on baby, calm down, shhh.

 “Of course then there is the issue of you restricting and refusing food Mi.. We have to do something about that.” Doctor Jordan said again in a louder voice cutting off Esmee’s gentle soothing. My insides went cold.