Chapter 95 : We've all been hurt before

 Esmee soothed me for what felt like forever not perturbed by the amount I actually cried. I also hated the way she was right. Crying was scary. It was unsafe. There was no control over it at all. For once I had started; I could not stop the tears from falling. I cried about everything. Some had meaning some were as stupid as the fact I was losing my hair and the sores on my hips hurt but they all felt bad in their own way and all of them together just made it feel like I was falling apart.

 “You’re Ok. You’re safe. This is a good thing to do, and it’s safe nothing will hurt you. “Esmee soothed over and over again when she felt my body tighten with the panic at how vulnerable I actually was right then. With blood I knew how to manage it; you cleaned it up, bandaged up and pulled down your sleeves. Forgotten with. This was different. There was no wound to make better, nothing to clean away, all the cuts were inside of me somewhere and I couldn’t get at them to hide them all away.

 “How’s your head?” Esmee finally asked after my crying dulled down and I moved myself out of her arms so I was sitting in front of her. Esmee put her hand out to brush the hair from my fore head so she could take a better look. I looked away as she touched me. Her caring black eyes burned through me to an invisible place that only she had accesses to. To somewhere even I was corded off. I tried to stop her going there as I was worried about what she would find. All my closets where jam packed full of skeletons’ that even I had forgotten about.

 “It’s fine, and I’m sorry.” I mumbled trying to pull my hair back down over my fore head again. Esmee smiled and pulled her hand away going back to looking through my eyes, so I closed mine. I wondered fleetingly if Esmee was actually the basilisk from the Harry potter books.

 “You don’t like eye contact much do you?” Esmee said laughing softly. No because it feels like you may kill me on the spot every time you look into them.

 “Not really, not with you.”  Esmee raised her eye bows suspiciously as I peeked out the corner of my right eye.

“There just stunning. You’re just stunning but your eyes are just so intense It’s like you can walk right through mine like open doors.”

 “Well you can be sure that I can’t, I will be honest I kind of wish that I could. There is something inside of you that really needs to be told. Has someone hurt you before Mi?”

 “We have all been hurt before Esmee.”

 “Yes, but that doesn’t make it OK. What happened to you?”

 “I can’t OK. I just can’t. Esmee you are lovely and kind and they never where. Yes I have been hurt but everyone here has worked that out all ready.” I sighed heavily placing my head into my hands as I felt the tears resurfacing again. “They told me never to tell and I still cant. I am still theirs,” I groaned.

 "It can be hard to brake those promise and I‘m not going to force you into it now. You have done well to tell me this much, but if in your heart you know what happened to you was wrong then it is Mi and I will always be here for you to talk to. So will Emmet and so will the rest of the staff,” Esmee said gently smoothing another strand of sticky hair off of my face and behind my ear; my body stiffened involuntarily.

“Ok I know this sounds stupid but how’s your urges now? Do you still want to cut? It looks like your poor old brain got the brunt of it.” Esmee said with a smile leaning forward and rubbing my forehead with her thumb.

 “Not really. Well I don‘t think so.” My voice cracked again with another wave of bitter sadness and confusion surfacing “I don’t know what I want. It’s so hard when you’re cooped up in here and your mind is just racing around and I’m just exhausted as I haven’t been sleeping well and then there’s the pressure of school, and I have to be perfect. I have to show that I am OK all of the damn well time and I just want it to stop!” I shouted more to myself while I gripped at the floor beside me hoping it was enough to hold onto. I had no idea what I was doing or where the words where coming from but they were out of my mouth before I even had time to think of them. “Of course there is nothing to stop it any more, nothing to get it in prospective for me, because some ass decided cutting was bad for me. Then Bella broke, and now I’m not sure whether I am coming or going, or whether I am strong enough to get through any of this. Then I have to try and work out how I am going to get through another meal time and then of course my whole mind turns into one big calorie counter and …. And”mI stopped my ramble noticing how high pitched my voice had come and how completely ridiculous I actually sounded. I sucked in one deep breath and steadied myself before I finished.

 “I guess sometimes. That’s why I cut and OD, not to kill myself, but to stop myself. Sometimes I need the world to stop spinning for just the smallest second just so I can catch up, and when I’m sick.” I draw a sharp breath trying to force myself to say the words. “When I cut my self, that’s all there is. There is nothing but the there and then and everything else has stopped. It just gives me a chance to breathe and then everything is all OK until it all becomes too fast again.”

 “I guess we just have to find a better way of slowing you down hay.”