Chapter 91 : Endangered

 

I could barely walk as Emmet directed me back up to dream holding onto my arm to steady me. There was an invisible weight somewhere on top of me and it was crushing down with no mercy. It was unrelenting.

 As we reached the top of the stairs the screaming could be heard clearly; the desperate sobbing of a caged Bella. My knees buckled as the weight upon me doubled and Emmet had to catch me around the waist before I had time to hit the floor and dissolve into the hideous blue carpet.

 “She’s OK Mi. Someone is with her and she is being looked after.”  I moaned to myself unable to form any coherent speech and Emmet pulled me up the corridor into Dream. I flopped exhausted on to the bed while Emmet took the floor opposite leaning up against the wall trying to arrange his incredibly long legs into the crossed position before letting out a sigh. He seemed so disappointed in me, like he expected so much more. More than I could possibly give

 “I’m sorry. I just can’t seem to stop fucking things up simultaneously. I have all the luck of a goldfish in the desert.” I moaned angry punching the pillow once in furry.

 “Aughh Mi,” Emmet chuckled to himself. “You have such a way with words you can always make me laugh no matter how crappy a day is,” he smiled, his tired eyes lifting.

 “Why can’t I just be perfect?” I moaned to myself more than to him. It seemed no matter how much effort I put in I was flawed any way. It had only been a weak and I seemed to me falling through the gaps in my front. I had tried to get though the storm by pretending that it wasn’t there. Maybe in reality that plan had always been doomed to fail

 “No one’s perfect Mi. It is far too much to ask of yourself to be.” Emmet said scrutinizing me carefully as I tried to make the decision whether to attack my pillow again or weather to cry into it. “Perfect isn’t a person, it’s a fleeting moment in time and it’s never permanent. We’re not built to be perfect we are built to be alive.”

 “Emmet this place is killing me.” I said the panic rising in my body and the tears forcing their way back into my eyes as unwanted intruders. I couldn’t believe him that I couldn’t reach a perfect state; if I did I would disappear in a puff of smoke. It was my purpose; it was all I had been searching for since I was a baby. “I hate it here Emmet, I hate everything.” I moaned twisting my limbs into a ball trying to make myself small again, however I knew I wasn’t as small as I used to be. The week of food had made me bigger; made my feelings bigger.

 “It can be hard to live here.” Emmet agreed nodding his head while playing with the pile of the carpet. He did not look at me when he spoke. “We are not trying to make you a nameless patient Mi. Unfortunately we have to protect people and that can sometimes get in the way.”

 “What if they don’t want protecting? What if they just want to let go?” I asked quietly looking at Mr Hop who had jammed himself between that wall and my bed before I retrieved him and started stroking my fingers threw his matted coat. A debilitating twinge of pain overtook me as Arabella’s perfect face intruded into my mind, I membered why he had ended up there then.

 “It would be very sad if the world lost you Mi, The same with every other Client that has tried to kill themselves. You all have something to offer, even if it is as simple as a happy smile, a fantastic way with words, amazing kindness and much, much more.  Mi you have so many fantastic quality’s about you. You need to be protected. The world needs people like you in it. That is why people like me do this job. To make sure the world doesn’t lose the special ones.” 

 “I’m not special and I don’t need protecting.” I growled almost angry at him for even thinking it. Why couldn’t he see how bad I really was? “I need to be shot. I am Evil. I hate myself,” I wailed!    Before I could stop them the tears started flowing down over my cheeks. Everything inside me hurt with the tears and I had to get it out of me somehow. I could cry forever and I would still somehow be stuck inside myself. Bella was somewhere away from me crying and I couldn’t help her. She had tried to save me but she was destroyed and I was in here trying to live a life that wasn’t mine. I wasn’t OK, I was dying. I wanted the blood to flow from my body. I needed to be punished for not saving her, for not reaming pure and perfect like people wanted me. I needed to be torn apart, cut, stabbed, and clawed at. I needed the Evil to be released from me. I needed this kind and loving man to see how bad inside I really was.

 “You are one of the most endangered species there is Mi.” Emmet said pulling himself off of the floor so he could come closer to me and sit on the edge of my bed. One of the slats underneath creaked. “There is only one Mia Dorado in the world. She is unique and special even though she does not realize this.” Emmet said taking my hand in his and leaning close into my side. This just caused my tears to rain down faster as with any kindness shown to me his made no sense. Did he see something different then I did when I looked at myself? How could he see someone worth compassion when all I saw was someone who didn’t even deserve the air they breathed?

 “am protecting one of the most precious things there is Mi.” Emmet smiled at me touching one of my burning hands. “I am protecting something I believe in. I am protecting you.”