Chapter 94 : help with crying

Esmee and Emmet acted immediately in a seamless liquid fashion. It would almost be graceful and talented if I wasn’t the one on the end of the gymnastics. Emmet had shot around to my back and was now bracing my body against his chest with his iron arms; Esmee was in front of me knelt over my legs. I had effectively been sandwiched between them.

 “All right Mi calm yourself down,“ Esmee said grabbing hold of my wrists with one of her hands while she gently pressed her other hand onto my forehead so it leant back up against Emmet’s chest.. It felt strange but I didn’t mind entirely, I would have liked to have rested it back there any way. I had hit my head harder than I had meant to and the world was pooling around me like I was looking at it from under water. Saying that it was worth it,  my head impacting with the concrete floor had made the electric pulses in my body fade, had made my pain slip away. This was what my body craved and now it had received it I was able to take back marginal control again.

 “I’m sorry,” I moaned softly closing my eyes against the throbbing pain behind them.  “I shouldn’t have done that.”  Immediately I felt the restraints around me loosen but I only moved enough so Emmet wasn’t supporting all of my weight, there was nowhere else to go anyway apart from around the perimeter of the room. Like a rat in what people called a humane trap. I think I would have preferred the ones that snapped shut. At least it was quick; Deadly, but quick.

 “Are you in better control Mi?” Esmee asked her dark sparkling eyes fixed on mine searching. They had a mystic power over them. I couldn’t have lied if I wanted to and at that moment why would I? There was nothing to say any way. I had freaked out. I had caused a seen. I calmed down and now I had a head ach for my efforts, story over.

 “I’m OK. “ I said even though the tears built uncomfortably inside of my chest and I had no idea why. There was once a time not so long ago when my tears where locked up so tightly I thought I would never cry them again and now they were here trying to submerge me for no real reason at all.

 “I know it can be hard my love.” Esmee soothed softly as she leant forward and smoothed my scraggy hair behind my ear probably pulling another chunk out too but that was all there was. I would die like this.

 “Emmet why don’t you take Conner off for a bit and I will stay with Mi for a little while, we will be OK.” Esmee smiled her warm smile as she looked into my eyes. She meant every word, she really thought I was going to be OK and I wished it were true, but nothing was OK, nothing in me felt remotely OK and I had to catch a tear on the side of my hand as it escaped over my cheek. She had no idea what the monsters of this world felt like. She had never thought the things I had, never felt the pain I felt. If she had she would know there was no coming back from it. No happily ever after in the end.

 “Sure.” Emmet said getting to his feet going over to the door where he clapped Connor on the shoulder asking where he wanted to go. Connor shrugged his shoulders again this time not diverting his gaze from me at all. Why was he so interested in me? Was it really so strange to see someone lose their sanity completely when living in the confines of these walls?

 “Come on then mate.” Emmet said leading him away from my door. “Let’s go play a game or something.”

 “Is there anything I can do to help Mi? You can talk to me. I know it might be hard. If you have kept yourself so locked up for so long it can be bloody hard to find every key to them but maybe I can help you look at least,” Esmee said gently twirling her hair around her finger. This made me smile; Esmee’s hair was one thing I envied about her. My hair used to be a lot like hers, stunning, think, long and styled now it was just a thin and lifeless mess. I knew bits where falling out as well and any style it used to have had been destroyed. It was just there now, waiting to fall out completely, another thing to make me physically repulsive to look at. Another bit of me to dissolve away into nothing.

 “Your hairs so pretty Esmee.” I complemented before choking up on my own tears. Oh come on was I really going to cry over hair.

 “Thank you,” Esmee said smiling.  “I have seen pictures though Mi, yours used to be stunning not so long ago. You can get that back again. It might just take some time.” I snorted sarcastically at the thought making my face smile even though more tears fell from my disobedient eyes. “Oh sweat heart.” Esmee soothed scooting around so she could put her arm 0ver my shoulders but I shrugged her off. Compassion hurt more than any insult could. Compassion was not something I deserved at any time even more so when I was crying over hair. Esmee on the other hand was not put off and put her arm gently around my waist instead.  “It’s all right to be sad. You don’t have to smile all the time when you are hurting inside. If you feel like crying that’s OK too.”

 “What if I don’t know why Esmee, What if there is absolutely no reason apart from the stupid ach somewhere inside of me?”  I asked in a growl before putting my face into my hands rubbing my eyes hard as if trying to almost physically shove the tears back in where they belonged.

 “That my lovely is what the experts call depression and guess what. It really hurts. So it’s OK to cry about that and it’s OK to ask for help with that too.”

 “Help with crying?” I questioned from my hands forcing another sarcastic laugh through my fingers. It was such a nurse thing to say.

 “Crying is hard when you’re no longer sure how to do it and like every new thing when it’s very new it can be scary to. I am hoping I can help with these bits,” Esmee soothed, before leaning over and wrapping me tightly in her arms. With her touch all my sadness fell from my eyes at once.