Chapter 82 : Falling apart can be inconvenient

Falling apart can be inconvenient

The Clinic was hot and stuffy and smelt strongly of anti-septic, my fragile stomach didn’t like it and gave a jolt in warning that it ruled me and wouldn’t take much more, I swallowed hard and tried not to think of it. Esmee on the other hand had me covered.

 “Here you go.” She said handing me a cardboard dish “you look a little green.” She added lightly, gently messing up my hair before going over to the big cupboards unlocking them one by one taking out the bit’s and pieces she needed. “I’m not sure why they think we need quite so many space blankets.” She said jokingly to me pulling out a whole tray of them. “I don’t think we have ever used one. Clients here tend not to get up to many mountains and if they run away we seem to retrieve them before they get to Kilimanjaro.” Esmee smiled reassuring me she was only joking before she pushed the tray back in and continued her search in the next cupboard. “Suture kits on the other hand,” she continued “We don’t have so many of.”I looked at my feet and didn’t answer. Was this her telling me I was going to have to go the A&E after all? I prayed that she would find one or by some magical force the wound on my hand would close on its own. I bit my lip.

 “Ah ha,” Esmee suddenly shouted causing me to jump almost completely off of the bench I was sat on, I had started to drift off into my own protective world and she had brought me back with a bump. I unattached my teeth from around my bottom lip and licked them quickly to remove the blood that I knew must have gathered there. My stomach gave another jolt in warning as the salty metallic taste lingered on my tongue.  Blood really did not taste good.

 “We are in luck Mi.” Esmee said coming over to the nurse’s desk her arms full of all the things she would need. Washing her hands before, she put on her rubber gloves and a green plastic apron before she started to wash out the wound. The anti-septic solution stung more than I thought it would and I took in a sharp intake of breath through my teeth. Esmee stopped for a second and looked at me concerned before carrying on.

 “I’m sorry it stings,” Esmee said still concentrating “but I need to make sure it is clean before I close it.”

“No, its ok, more cold then stinging,” I lied looking down at my feet so my face didn’t give the game away. Esmee shouldn’t’t have to feel sorry for me when what I had done was my fault. Her deep compassion should have been reserved for someone who truly deserved it.

“You’re a bad liar Mi.” Esmee chuckled softly as she prepared the local anesthetic to numb the wound. “I’m glad about that; it sometimes helps to be able to read the clients like an open book.It means we can help them more.”

 “I feel like the staffs pet,” I mumbled. I did not want to be read and neither did I deserve to be, as for them helping me more, I just didn’t want the help. I wanted them to let me go, helped like Doctor Jordan’s fish had been.

 Esmee stopped what she was doing mid flow and looked at me intently. I braced myself for her onslaught and even though it was stupid, physical violence. I had been in this situation too many times with my mother not to be prepared but as I thought about curling into a ball to protect myself Esmee looked away and went back to drawing the anesthetic from a tiny bottle making me feel instantly stupid for my decision, it was becoming obvious that Esmee wouldn’t even hurt an ant intentionally.

 “That’s sad.” She said not looking at me “I don’t want to make you feel like that. I want to help you, and everyone that’s here. I’m sorry. I really am.” I instantly felt the regret flood through my body for my last remark, there was true pain in Esmee’s voice as she gave her heartfelt Apology to me. Why out of all of them did I have to open my mouth in front of her? One of the kindest people I had ever met especially after all the shit I put her through. I bit my bottom lip hard till I could taste the blood again ignoring my tummy’s protest. It wasn’t enough to stop my loathing; it was not enough to punish me. My eyes filled with tears and the vomit crept up my throat. I tried to take deep breaths to calm me. Now was not a good time to fall apart. I had to stay together but the room began to spin anyway. I bit harder on my lip, but my breathing accelerated into panic. This finally caught Esmee’s attention and once again she stopped what she was doing to help me

 “What’s the matter honey?” Esmee asked her voice showing nothing but concern. This made it worse and my back arched uncomfortably at the internal pain. Still at the moment I did not let the tears come out of my brimming eyes, I had nothing to cry about. Stupid bitch.  “Mi honey, are you in pain, where’s it hurting?”  I swallowed the vomit back down with a gulp and gripped the side of the doctor’s bench to stop my hands shaking. I wanted to tell her I was fine and not to worry but I knew if I opened my mouth I would scream, vomit or cry, so instead I shook my head viciously.

 ighing slightly at my pointless attempt at lying Esmee come over to me and took a seat up on the doctor’s bench. I held my breath to try and calm my breathing. I had to get through this on my own, I had to pull myself together, I had to for once in my life just be normal.

“Breath Mi.” Esmee said firmly now next to me. I refused and kept holding my breath. My lugs felt like they were about to explode but that felt Ok. Not breathing was the kind of pain I deserved. It didn’t matter then the room began to go fuzzy and stars started to explode over my vision, I still refused to sarcoma to the most basic human need. I did not deserve to breath. I deserved nothing but pain.

 "Mia Breath.” Esmee said again raising her voice now until it was uncharacteristically stern. She also pinched my arm, hard.

It of course all then happened at once. My body was shocked into breathing and my lugs gratefully sucked in all the air they could get in on one breath. My body violently shook and my stomach flipped one final time. I grabbed the bowl I was given before and was violently sick, again half missing the bowl as the vomit hit my lap and the floor. The tears now come as well to make it worse. I had no idea what to concentrate on first and this in turn made me panic more. Esmee on the other hand had a better idea.

“All right…All right.” Esmee soothed pulling my hair back off of my sticky face and once again tied it up with her trusted elastic band. I was beginning to wonder if that was the only reason she carried it around with her. My upper body shock violently as I tried to grip the new bowl Esmee had given me and without time to compose myself I vomited again, at least this time I was a better aim.

 “Oh dear…It’s all right sweet heart.”  Esmee continued to sooth, a constant stream of reassurance said in her singing voice. I didn’t deserve it. Esmee then handed me another bowl but my stomach had given up trying to bring anything else up and excepted it was at last empty enough. I put the bowl over the side of me but continued to stay hunched over, I felt better this way.

 “Come on sit up a bit for me.” Esmee said now, gently pulling my body up to a more upright position, I had no choice but to comply with her. I had no more fight left in me. I was her puppet on a string. She could pull me any way she wished.

 Esmee was on her feet now digging through another overcrowded cupboard. I closed my eyes and lent forward again. The same deprived feeling in my lungs. I suddenly realized I had stopped breathing again and chocked in my haste to do so. How the hell had I got like this. How the hell had I become so fucked up?

 “Come on Mi, sit up.” Esmee said again lifting my heavy upper body, it took all my effort to stop my head dropping back forward like a newborns. “Here you go.” Esmee said trying to pull an oxygen mask over my face. I shock it off. I deserved this pain, this panic.  I deserved not to breath. Oxygen was a luxury I could do without.  A luxury I could seldom afford “No, no, no.” Esmee muttered persistently trying to put the elastic over my head again. “Come on Mi it will help, just for a little while.”  To week to struggle any more I accepted the oxygen and breathed in deeply. It did make me feel better and my head stopped spinning so much but that in turn made it worse. I didn’t deserve to feel better, however exhausted I closed my eyes and leant back against the cold harsh walls. Esmee then put her arm around me and sat up close to my side gesturing for me to rest my head on her shoulder if I wanted to. Grateful for the contact I shifted a little closer and took her up on her offer, glad the world still had people like her in it.