Chapter 110 : The blame game

Esmee

I took off for a shower. Though the territory of being a nurse meant that being puked on was expected it wasn’t entirely enjoyable and as a mental health nurse working in apple gate it always seemed a little worse because we weren’t wearing scrubs although in all fairness I didn’t have all that much practice with scrubs. I had worked for just under a year as a bank A&E nurse when I was newly qualified but that was only to get in some money while I trained to become a psychiatric nurse for children. I had always known what I wanted to be.

 After I had my shower and blow dried my hair back into its almost unruly waves I zipped out the office to get back to Mi Edward and Emmet just five minutes late for my observations with her to begin however as I was about to set off up the corridor my arm caught me by my elbow and I got dragged  over to the blue seats in the deserted entrance hallway where I was pushed downwards towards the chairs before Bella sat down next to me her face stern and unmoving as she glared at her hands.

 “Bella I have to be somewhere my love but I can get someone to come and talk to you if you need some help.”

 “You tubed her, didn’t you?” Bella said glumly holding her face in her hands. “Mi, you just gave her an NG.”

 “Yes.” I nodded sadly feeling what Bella was feeling inside of me too. For Mi to get an NG was a mini failure for us. It was often said that people with anorexia would eat if they were in an environment were all aspects of control around it were talking away from them. Someone had come up with the idea that if they were expected to eat they would eat. Case closed, full stop. That person had never had an eating disorder and in my opinion probably grew up in a pack of lions. That person was an idiot. The problems behind someone starving themselves to death went a lot deeper than an expectation. Still we followed the advice and Mi still didn’t eat. We had to force feed or the next step wouldn’t be planning her meals it would be planning her funeral.

 “Did I do something wrong Esmee? Bella asked turning to me her eyes wet with tears that threated to flood down over her cheeks.

 “No honey of course not, why would you think that?” I asked putting my hand on her back in comfort while leaning in closer to her.

 “It’s just that I spent so much time with her over the last few weeks and I’ve been talking to her and trying to tell her to eat and everything but she just stared through me. I didn’t make any difference. She still got to the stage of needing a tube. I just feel like I have done something wrong.” Bella moaned a single tear falling over her cheek.

 “No Bella. Anorexia is to blame here, not you.”