Chapter 78 : in the fish tank

Dr Jordan’s office was big, bigger than any of the rooms for the clients, probably even bigger than the client’s living room. It was a plain cream color with a very grand massive pine desk sitting in the middle in pride of place. At the other end were three small blue chairs, and numerous book shelves lining the wall from floor to ceiling. Of course I suspected that all the books were there for show as none of them looked like they had been read. There were filling cabinets with Letters on the front and a whole wall of certificates that vocalized the words “he’s better then you” in harmony and of course there was also the customary goldfish tank that contained eight rather ill looking goldfish. Those goldfish were us. Apple gate house was Doctor Jordan’s giant fish bowl. I was the orange and white one flopping about at the bottom; unable to get to the surface.

 “Welcome back Mi. would you like to come and take a seat?” Dr Jordan asked showing me over to one of the blue chairs away from the main desk and the formal chair that sat on the opposite side. “We should be all right in here Jean my love. I will give you an update when Mi and I are done.”

 “Ok Nick, You know where we are,” Jean said eyeing me with suspicion but left any way.

 I took a seat on the very edge of the blue chair and set my eyes to stair in at the fish take. The orange and white fish had given up flopping about now and was lying still on the bottom, allowing the other fish to nip at his scales.

 “I heard you have been back in the hospital again Mi. would you like to tell me what you did?”

 “You know. Don’t patronize me.” I moaned pulling my eyes away from the fish so I could fix Doctor Jordan with a stare.

 “Fair enough, you cut your legs with a razor that was not handed in. You realize you were breaking the rules but you did it anyway. You don’t seem to me to be the rebellious type, so why did you do it?”

 What did he think I was? What did he think cutting was? Did he really think I cut into my own skin all of the time because no one ever told me it was bad to do such things. I already knew what I was doing was bad, it was dark and it was strange but that didn’t mean I could just stop it. Because it was written on a piece of paper in a booklet that it was against the rules didn‘t mean it became any less of a need. He of all people should understand that. His darkness, like mine, was written all over his arms too.

 “I had to. I hate this. What you sent me to. You said I would get better. I have never felt worse.” I complained wincing as one of the bigger fish ripped the fin of the orange and white one.

 “I never said it would be easy Mi. Just that you needed more help at the moment and apple gate could provide it.”

 “I don’t want to be here.” I said defensively and sternly twisting my fingers. Apple gate house had reduced me to less than nothing. At least when I was outside of the confines’, I was free.

 “I think I made the right choice.” Doctor Jordan disagreed shaking his head. “By your behavior over the weekend you have proven that you need our help.”  My Face went ridged with rage now, how dare he use that against me. I was Ok until he locked me up in here .Yes I self-harmed and I was depressed most of the time but I never cried in front of people or pressed my problems onto them.  I was polite and I was kind and I had good grades in all of my school work. I was expected all A’s in my GCSE’s and I baby sat for Annie and Paul all of the time. In any ones book I was the model teenager. I didn’t party and I did not get drunk. I barley even talked and I always tried to say please and thank you so how was that bad behavior? So what if I was unhappy? So what if I skipped meals some of the time? So what If I chose to die? Who was I hurting apart from myself?

 “What did I do wrong exactly?” I spat once I controlled my anger enough to talk with out growling at the same time. “I cut myself not anyone else. I am the unhappy one but I would always push my problems away to support someone else. I tried my best! What more can I do? Apart from sacrifice myself for the greater good but you would call that wrong too!” I shouted loudly the effort causing me to breathe deeply hurting my ribs.

 “Mi,” Dr Jordan said as calm as ever, “you have done nothing wrong. Being here is not meant to be a punishment but somewhere for you to heal. You are ill, just as ill as anyone with a physical problem. The fact that you think your death would be a sacrifice for the greater good just proves this to me further. You need our help.” Doctor Jordan said before getting up and going to the filling cabinet with c-d written on the front and picking out a big file with Mia Dorado care plan written on the side. “Are you happy with the way things are, with the way you are feeling? Do you think it is right for you to have to write your feelings on your skin? It’s not right or fair for you to be so unhappy that you want to kill yourself. I take it you want to get better Mi. I take it that is what you hope for.”

 All the fish in the tank had spotted the orange and white one now and though most of them didn’t look much healthier themselves were taking it upon themselves to pull him apart bit by bit and all he could do was flop about in pain. He knew he wasn’t going to get better now like I did. He just wanted to be set free.

 “I’m not so sure any more.”  I mumbled looking away from the tank again.

 “Admittedly that makes things a bit harder for us all but that doesn’t’t mean we will stop trying.” At that Doctor Jordan leant forward on his chair and opened the folder so we could both see the pages inside. “So here is what I have planned for you Mi. Is there anything else you would like to tell me before I go through this care plan with you?

 “Your orange and white goldfish doesn’t look so good.” I said pointing to the tank.

 “No, poor little guy has been feeling a bit nasty for a while now, I think I may help him along, put him out his misery.”

 “Yeah,” I said my lips turning up into a smile at the idea, “That would be the kindest thing.”