Chapter 101 : If only the vision was true

If only the vision was true

 Emmet got to his feet and come to sit next to me on the opposite side of Esmee. I would of normally felt too crowded and scared sandwiched in between two people but the time for me being scared of Emmet and Esmee had long gone. Their wall around me in fact made me feel safer, safer from myself even if it wasn’t from anyone else.

 “It will be OK.” Emmet finely said after a while of just his silent hand on my back, Esmee’s on top of his. A fleeting image of a mother father and daughter infiltrated in the forefront of my brain like looking into  a glossy photo of a family portrait. An angry burning rippled through my body like an electrocution as the image ingrained on my brain. It wasn’t a bad image. It was a nice one that I would love to be real. To have a family like them would have been a dream come true but I didn’t deserve dreams and it was like somehow my brain knew this and sent the agony as a punishment for my dirty secret longing.

  Gripping at my sides to stop me falling apart as the longing grew deeper in me and the pain intensified in the void in my chest I let my body slip off of the bed onto the floor and into a ball before the tears came back in deep heavy rivers down my cheeks. I was a pathetic stupid, fucked up mess, that longed for things she just didn’t deserve.

 Emmet and Esmee were both on the floor next to me in seconds leaning over me and trying to pull me back up into a sat up position but I screamed at them to get off of me. Screamed at them to let me go, screamed at them to go away, and the screaming in my head screamed back at me for screaming at them making me cry harder.

 “Mi, Mi are you hurt?” Emmet shouted over my shouting, trying to look over my body for any signs of physical injury.

 “No.” I shouted “No I’m OK. Just leave me alone!” I wailed banging my arms down onto the floor.

 “Ok, Ok.”  Esmee said winding her body around the front of me pressing her body in close trying to restrict my movement while Emmet did the same around my back making it almost impossible to move at all let alone thrash about. Still there was something quite comforting about it as well. Here I was secure in a cocoon, where I could be small and tiny unable to hurt anyone or anything.

 “Esmee, I’m sorry. Emmet I’m sorry.” I wept over and over as I felt the familiar swirling start to take over my head.