Chapter 102 : I can't lose you

there was a shifting of a body beside of me and Esmee shifted her weight so she was lying on the floor next to me, her face close to mine. She seemed so familiar in that position, her face up close staring into my soul, So comforting, So much like someone I used to know.

 “Arabella,” I whispered to myself through my clogged up throat and I smiled as the pain ebbed away.

 Arabella leant forward gently and kissed me on the tip of my nose.  I tried to smile but I couldn’t’t it had been a while since I smiled. The brittle grass intertwined around us from the grassy patch next to the gentle flowing water. It was here we had lain nearly all day and now the sun was just about to pack up his things and go away for the day making the place darker. The summer suns heat was also draining away and there was a pleasant breeze in the air. I counted daises and dandelions whose scent tickled my nose. I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand before smiling gently as Arabella brushed her fingers through my hair with a sigh.

 “I miss your smile Mi moo, you never use it any more.”

“I don’t much feel like smiling any more A-bell.”  I said looking down at the new cuts on my lower arms that were starting to scab over. I had started cutting a lot more and a lot deeper. Arabella was the only one that I didn’t have to hide them from; the only one that knew my secret weapon to deal with everyday life.

Catching my eyes lingering too long on the cuts Arabella leant over and kissed each one with a tenderness that no one else could ever manage until after she was happy she got each one, she leant her cheek back up against the warm grass and looked into my eyes. Her auburn hair fell in tight ringlets by her side.

 “What’s happened to you Mi moo? You won’t eat; you cut your beautiful body. I really feel like I am losing you to this darkness sometime.”

 “Sometimes, I feel like I am losing myself.”

 “I won’t let you go moo. Not without a fight. I can’t lose you.”

 “I don’t want you to.” I said looking down at my curled up body and placed one hand over my stomach and started talking again still looking at my tummy, “But you might already have.”  I whispered closing my eyes as a particularly stubborn ray of sun that refused to die settled on my eyes blinding me.

"No I haven’t.” She said gently pulling her fingers through my black straighter hair.

 “A-Bell.” I said taking a deep breath in and grimaced before looking back into her wondrous eyes. “A-Bell, I think I’m pregnant.