Chapter 83 : Fears aren’t rational

“How are you feeling?”  Esmee asked gently a little while later gripping my arm softly. I had drifted into a conscious sleep with my head on her shoulder. Bless her she didn’t shake me off as most would have done. I was aware of where I was and what had happened but it was a strange peaceful state it was like sleep in so many ways that Esmee kind of woke me up.

 “Better thanks.” I said softly hastily taking my head off of her shoulder now able to support it myself. Esmee slowly got to her feet her eyes on me.

 “Do you want to keep the oxygen for a bit longer or are you feeling you can do without it now.” I had forgotten about the mask over my face but now it was brought up I became acutely aware of it. I pulled it off of my face quickly and held it out for Esmee. My lugs not quite used to the normal oxygen around me reacted badly and forced me to cough.

 “Are you sure?” Esmee asked eyeing me suspiciously as I coughed again. After all the vomiting this hurt more than normal and I winced painfully cradling my ribs.

 “I’m fine.” I was able to say after a bit more coughing and Esmee reluctantly took the oxygen off of me.

 “Can I stitch you up now?” Esmee finally asked glancing towards my hand. It took me a while to work out what she was on about then remembered the cut on my hand the fence had caused.  I looked at it and winced, it was a nasty looking wound. If it had been self-inflected it would have been something to be proud of, with a good four weeks healing to do before it faded away into nothing but scar tissue.

 “Go for it.” I said looking down at my feet. Esmee gathered up her supplies and started working on the wound. I had to bite my lip as she stuck the needle into the wound to numb the area. This bit hurt more then I cared to remember.

 “Is there something you want to talk about?” Esmee enquired casually as she pulled the thread through my palm still concentrating intently on the wound

 “I’m sorry.” Was all I could think of saying. I hated all the trouble I had caused, especially to her. If it was crystal the evil in me would have secretly enjoyed it but with Esmee it caused nothing but regret. She didn’t deserve to have to put up with me.

 “I don’t need your apologies Mi; I just wish you would tell us what was wrong. What happened at school? Did someone say something? Did someone pick on you?” I almost wished they had of at least there would have been a story to tell. A reason for my lack of logical thinking other then I was scared but there wasn’t, and there was nothing else to say to Esmee apart from the truth.

 “It was my fault. It was stupid. No one said anything it was just a lot to take in and I guess I just got scared.”

 “And you had to run away?” Esmee questioned tying a knot in one of the stitches; I felt my skin pull uncomfortably on my hand. My body stiffened slightly, it was a horrible feeling. I nodded once to answer her question.

 “That seems like a reasonable reaction. I run away when I am scared too.”

 I looked at Esmee shocked; this wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I was expecting to be told off, to be told I was stupid. After all I felt stupid for what I had done. All I had to do was go and sit next to Jack and I completely lost it. My mind kept screaming the words you stupid idiot at me.

 “It was stupid.” I said exhaling in a sigh. I looked away from her, looking and back at my feet. If Esmee did run away I am sure it was for much bigger and scarier things then I did.

 “Why do you think that? I think it is a normal reaction, to run from something you are scared of. You never heard of flight or fight? Honestly most chose flight in reality.”

 “It’s so irrational though.” I huffed now fuming at myself again. Stupid, stupid idiot!

 “So is the fear of spiders Mi. But there are thousands of people in the UK that run away from them.” Esmee smiled putting down her tools, admiring the four neatly placed stitches on my hand.