Chapter 118 : Vodka

Smack! My body fell to the floor and my head rang as my cheek hit the cold tiles. I could taste the blood filling my mouth as I had bit down on my lip in the process; I spat it out onto the floor. Why the hell should I worry about her floor when she was kicking the fucking shit out of me?

“What the fuck are you doing to my fucking new floor you little bloody bitch?”  My mum shouted bending down over my broken bent body getting centimeters from my face. “I should make you lick it up you bitch!” She shouted picking up my head by the hair and smearing my face in the bloody spit. Mum got back up to her feet and grabbed the half empty bottle of vodka off the side. Swaying she unscrewed the cap and raised the bottle in the air drinking deeply until she drained the very last drips from the ends of the bottle.

“You do this to me you bitch.” She yelled again swaying over me “You killed your sister and now you are trying to do it to me aren’t you!” She slurred again before smashing the vodka bottle centimeters from my head.

The glass shattered into many pieces beside me and as my mum swayed out of the kitchen and back into the living room to fall unconscious upon the old thread bear nicotine stained cream and blue leather sofa. I took up the biggest piece of glass and cut thin little lines of red into my wrist letting the blood drip to the floor into a sizable puddle. I hated myself for doing it but it had been as natural as breathing to start cutting, the only problem was there was no way I wanted to bleed for her

Chapter 117 : Cartoon clouds

“It’s just like the cartoons on the Television” I said laughing a bit as I squinted in the sun. “You know when you see the rain clouds just over one of the characters head and it follows only them raining but the rest of the world and everyone else is in sunshine.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Well I am the character that has the rain cloud over their damn heads.” I sighed to myself. “At first it is kind of funny watching the rest of the world from a different prospective but it soon gets lonely there. I mean no one wants to come anywhere near you because they don’t want to get wet. I think that’s why mum threw me out. I think in the end I just got her too wet.”

 “Your records say that your mum wasn’t very nice to you.”  Esmee said going over to one of the benches under a beautiful tree with pink flowers and sat down. I followed her sitting on the end and resting the back of my neck on the head rest of the bench so I was looking up through the pink petals and wooden branches to the clear blue sky above.

 “I don’t suppose she was really.” I said more to myself than to Esmee, “but she blamed me for Arabella’s death, so maybe she was just sad.”

 “What did she do to you sweet heart?”

 “I truly can’t remember most of the time. The memories are all too blurry but to be honest I am kind of glad about that. The things I do remember nearly always hurt but put it this way. She doesn’t know it but throwing me out was probably the nicest thing she ever did for me. I still worry about her though.” I sighed as I closed my eyes against the sky somehow I was exhausted.

 Esmee gently pulled me in close to her side putting her arm around me. I rested my head against her shoulder and breathed in the sweet scent of her strawberry shampoo. There was no need for her to say anything. I knew she was there.

Chapter 116 : Questions

“Well I guess they gave me the wrong name then.” I laughed in a sad kind of way letting my eyes drop to the floor. The smile leaving my face as quickly as it came. She was wrong, I was not beautiful.

 “If I argued with you is there any chance I would win the fight?” Esmee asked

 “Not a chance. You don’t see what I do in the mirror.”

 “Mi, there are many more kinds of beauty than cosmetic beauty. When your head is better and when your mind is ready, I will tell you about them.”  Esmee smiled back at me.

 We walked together in silence for a bit with only the purring of a very contented Buttercup and the chirping of the birds interrupting it. Somewhere off of the end road you could hear the gentle whooshing of traffic too.

The beauty of the surroundings was astounding. Nothing like what was expected of a psychiatric unit. I had never really considered it when I was on the other side of the fence, when the tall three story red brick building that towered beside me wasn’t what I had to call home. It was still hard to believe that I had now been in there for a month, what was harder still was apart from the short journey between the main building and the school I had not been out in a month either and my mind began to drift to all the questions that it had been concealing. I mean what was happening out there? How would of little rosy grown? Had Annie and Paul ever forgiven me? Did they miss me? Did they even remember me? My mind even floated to my mother. Where was she now? Who was she with now? Did she ever find another bloke? Was he in turn using her as a punch bag? Had she once again made a close friend at the bottom of a bottle of vodka? Did she miss me? Did she ever regret throwing me out? Did she even know I was here? Was she even alive?

 “You’re crying Mi.” Esmee suddenly said breaking me out of my trance like wondering it was then that I noticed we had already done one circuit around the unit grounds. I also noticed and felt the moisture leaking form my eyes that Esmee referred to.

 “I guess I am.” I replied wiping the tears away. There was no point in lying and saying I wasn’t. it would have been like saying the sky was orange.

 “Tell me.” Esmee prompted and to my utter surprise I started talking.

Chapter 115: Curiosity found a cat

Curiosity and the underlying never dying urge to be free from the walls that surrounded me was the main reason I chose to go for a walk with Esmee. I had always been a very curious kind of person and when I was a child it was often said I was a lot like Alice in wonderland. Truth be told they were probably right. It would have been so like me to be late to turn up to my own birthday party or something because I was following a white rabbit with a pocket watch down a hole. Probably not a good idea to mention that to Dr. Jordan.  Of course finding out who buttercup was turned out to be too much of a temptation even now in my weekend self.

The day was warm again and the sun shone proudly fighting its way through and around any clouds that happened to be defiant enough to try and stop it. Birds chirped out their own little songs from the tress that were around and the flowers that grew in the flower beds reached up their heads towards the sun. In any other persons eyes it would have been beautiful and it was, even to me but everything as always just seemed to be tinted grey and out of reach for my mind to see.

Esmee walked slowly not talking and I followed beside her letting the sun warm my face and dry off my wet hair, It had felt like a long time since I had been able to walk in the outside for no other reason other than walking and I was enjoying it in my own way even if it was only because I knew it would be helping to burn off some calories. As we turned the corner and had to walk closer to the hedge a little meow made me jump bringing me back to where I was and what I was doing.

“Ah.” Esmee said crouching down facing the hedge “Here comes buttercup,” and as if on cue a gloriously fluffy looking black and white cat trotted out of the hedge and started rubbing its head against Esmee’s legs purring loudly at her. “She‘s the hospitals cat.” Esmee said to me as she picked up the fluff ball into her arms. “Well she doesn’t come into the unit itself but she has her food and things in the laundry at the back. I think she’s gorgeous. Do you like cats Mi?” Esmee asked

“I love them.” I said smiling at the purring buttercup. “She is just beautiful.” I added as I tickled her under the chin and she purred more loudly.

“Emmet and I have an ancient old ginger tom called Toast.” Esmee said starting to walk again as she continued to scratch the top of buttercups head. “He only has half a tail and he’s losing big patches of his fur now, not to mention the fact that he smells bad but he has a good nature and is patient with our daughter who likes to drag him around like a cuddly toy,” Esmee giggled to herself.

“Your daughter?” I questioned.

“Oh of course you wouldn’t know, not many do. Emmet and I are married. Have been for five years now, and we got a two year old daughter.”

I let a smile spread across my face and a warm feeling fill up my body like I hadn’t felt in a long time as I saw the diamond glinting on Esmee’s ring. I actually felt truly happy at this news. Only someone as spectacularly caring as Emmet would be the perfect match for Esmee and her unending compassion. It was a fairy tale marriage.

“What’s your daughter called?” I asked looking up at Esmee’s face smiling.

“Amelia” Esmee said her face beaming back at me as she rocked the cat from side to side like she was remembering the first time she held her daughter in her arms, “but we all call her Mia. She is so beautiful, but then again I think it might be a thing with all Mia’s I have never met one that wasn’t beautiful.”

Chapter 114 : Yes it's still embarrassing when you hum.

 After my tears where mixed suitably with the dirty shower water I grabbed the towels over the top of the shower and started drying myself. A few minutes later Esmee pulled back the shower curtain destroying the little privacy I had left and I sunk back close to the wall hiding behind the towels.

 I slipped my clothes on still wet and used the toilet while Esmee busied herself humming like she always did when I had to use the loo in front of her. I knew she was only trying to help but when she stood there gawping at me while I went her humming didn’t really do much to ease my embarrassment at the whole situation.

 “So we have about half an hour left together Mi. Where are we going?”

 “My room,” I mumbled there was never anywhere else to go. I liked to curl up there and I hope that somehow my thoughts would permit me to have a respite from the sadness that hung forever inside of me.

 “Come on Mi. Lets go somewhere else.” Esmee encouraged looking at me with hopeful eyes, let’s play pool or something in the activity room or we could go and watch some mind numbing daytime TV. Or I could even take you for a walk around the grounds. Buttercup might even be prowling around.”

Chapter 113 : Never clean

I could not look at Esmee again as she returned back to sit down on the toilet seat and I stepped into the scolding hot shower. The water that rushed over my body soothed all the aching and the stinging on the outside but on the inside everything still raged and without really thinking I banged my head hard up against the cool tiled wall. Somehow with the impact the raging turmoil inside me edged slowly away and I could get on with washing my hair and scrubbing at my body with the soap and hot water. Only I really knew why I never felt clean.

Chapter 112 : Don't speak

Ten minutes later Esmee locked the shower room door behind her and sat down on the lid of the toilet seat. I turned the shower on and breathed in the steamy water letting the gentle whooshing sooth the buzzing and stinging that ached around my body and head. Slowly I changed out of my cloths trying to keep out of the sight of the watch full eyes of Esmee. I knew what lingered under the protecting  layer of clothes. I knew the burses still raged upon my stomach, hips, thighs and upper arms. They were black and purple, a reminder that my body was disgusting and there where areas that I would never be OK.

 The shower was a cubical in the bathroom with only a clear plastic shower curtain. This is Ok when you’re in the room on your own but when you’re on red obs the person with you can see everything, but I guessed that was the point, Even though I still wasn’t sure what anyone could do in a shower where all the fixing where attached to the wall so securely I doubted super man could of removed them.

 As I was about to step into the shower my towel slipped from over my shoulder and I heard Esmee get to her feet with a tiny gasp. My body whirled into a panic as I stopped frozen to the ground the muscles in my back tightening. The somewhat stupid logic floating through me that if I was still I was somehow camouflaged, Protected.

 “Mi stop,“ Esmee said walking over to me quickly before getting to me and gently pressing her fingers to the ugly bruise. I closed my eyes hoping that I might vanish into thin air. “Mi what are all these?” Esmee asked gently. I opened my eyes to see if she was angry with me but she wasn’t, just concerned, the anger would have been better, less devastating to see.“Did someone do this to you honey?”  Esmee asked softly standing back from me and unleashing the devastating power of her coal colored sparkling eyes to delve though my soul.

 The instinct was of course to lie even though I had no good thing to tell her, to tell her that I slipped and fell when I was in the shower before, to tell her anything that would lead her off track. Tell her I was attacked by a pack of flying monkeys if it would work to stop her looking at me, but I could not lie to Esmee and the devastating power of her eyes, in fact it took all my might just to stay quiet and not blurt out what I had been doing to the reflection I saw. I suddenly saw the realization dawn upon her face as some of the color drained out of it like what happened when she was usually shocked. I tried to shack out of her grasp so I could step under the water but she held me firmly. I struggled more whimpering at her.

 “It’s all right Mi. It’s all right.” She soothed pulling the towel back up to wrap around my shoulders again covering the offending bruises. Her voice somehow instantly soothed my irritation and I stopped struggling against her and simply looked down at the floor. I was pathetic.

 “You did this to yourself right?” Esmee asked gently pushing a strand of hair over my ear.

 “Just don’t.” I said really quietly to Esmee looking up towards her again.  “Just don’t say any more. I can’t take it OK. You know as well as I do how these bruises came to be on my body and I will always carry the bruises on my heart soon after these have faded.” I said jabbing a finger at the top of my arm. “Now Esmee please,” I said tears glistening in my eyes, “Just don’t say any more.”

And she didn’t.

Chapter 111 : Doctors orders

Mi

What must have been fifteen to twenty minutes later my sobs dyed to sniffling and where I was come back into focus and the fact I was still cuddled into Edward became more prominent So I shuffled out of his grips and looked around the room.

Esmee -who was now in a clean long sleeve top, and Emmet where now sat close together on the doctors bench their hands interlocked in each other their heads bowed close talking in hushed tones.  They looked like a perfect married couple. They should be married; they would be the most caring couple in the entire universe.

“Feeling better Mi?” Emmet suddenly said. Noticing my new found awareness he unwrapped his fingers from around her hand and got to his feet before crouching down next to me. “Edwards right Mi, We are all here to fight your daemons, and there is nothing you have to do on your own. Now, do you mind if I clip this on to your finger.” Emmet asked showing me the finger grip from a hand held oxygen monitor. I nodded. The numbers flashed between 97 and 98 and Emmet smiled. “You can take that off if you want now.”  Emmet said pointing at my face and I suddenly became all too aware of what was stuck to it and making the whooshing noise; they must of somehow managed to re attach it to my face as I had my mini melt down in Edwards arms.

“Damn mask.”  I shouted pulling it off my face so forcefully the green elastic snapped. Emmet giggled

“You really shouldn’t hate oxygen so much Mi. There are a lot worse things in life.”  I dropped my face so my eyes looked at the floor and answered quietly more to myself then him. It sounded so stupid I wasn’t sure if I really wanted him to hear but in my head the argument made sense.

“I know. I just don’t feel I deserve it.” I had hoped that Emmet would have ignored my stupid comment but as always Emmet never missed a beat.

“Mi, look at me love.” He said gently placing three of his fingers under my chin so he could lift it up so I would look into his eyes; I didn’t want to. I thought his eyes would burn me like lazars into my soul but he was persistent and in the end I had to stare right into them, His eyes where both soft and shocking and almost as unbearably penetrating as Esmee’s.  Even though his where nowhere near as dark and mysterious they had devastating power to them and wondered if he was the kind of man that could kill with his looks when he wanted to. Saying that they had never been anything but kind and soothing to me.

“Everyone deserves to breathe Mi.”  Was all Emmet said but that was all that was needed?

“Now then,” Esmee said suddenly jumping into life breaking the thick layer of sincerity that was pressing down on me like a pin to a balloon. “I am showered, smelling wonderful - if I don’t say so myself, and ready to get out of this incredibly hot clinic room. SoLet’s flush that tube out, and get going. I am sure there is something better than this you want to be doing with your half term and I believe I am doing your observations for the rest of this hour, Esmee said smiling enthusiastically like I hadn’t just puked all over her quarter of an hour before hand.

"Well I am defiantly not smelling as nice as you. “I mumbled to myself as I noticed the vomit clinging to the ends of my hair and down my top. “All I really want to do is have a shower. Needless to say I would rather have one on my own but I doubt that’s going to happen.”

“Sorry honey,“ Esmee said sympathetically extending her hand out for me to take, “Doctors’ orders.”

Chapter 110 : The blame game

Esmee

I took off for a shower. Though the territory of being a nurse meant that being puked on was expected it wasn’t entirely enjoyable and as a mental health nurse working in apple gate it always seemed a little worse because we weren’t wearing scrubs although in all fairness I didn’t have all that much practice with scrubs. I had worked for just under a year as a bank A&E nurse when I was newly qualified but that was only to get in some money while I trained to become a psychiatric nurse for children. I had always known what I wanted to be.

 After I had my shower and blow dried my hair back into its almost unruly waves I zipped out the office to get back to Mi Edward and Emmet just five minutes late for my observations with her to begin however as I was about to set off up the corridor my arm caught me by my elbow and I got dragged  over to the blue seats in the deserted entrance hallway where I was pushed downwards towards the chairs before Bella sat down next to me her face stern and unmoving as she glared at her hands.

 “Bella I have to be somewhere my love but I can get someone to come and talk to you if you need some help.”

 “You tubed her, didn’t you?” Bella said glumly holding her face in her hands. “Mi, you just gave her an NG.”

 “Yes.” I nodded sadly feeling what Bella was feeling inside of me too. For Mi to get an NG was a mini failure for us. It was often said that people with anorexia would eat if they were in an environment were all aspects of control around it were talking away from them. Someone had come up with the idea that if they were expected to eat they would eat. Case closed, full stop. That person had never had an eating disorder and in my opinion probably grew up in a pack of lions. That person was an idiot. The problems behind someone starving themselves to death went a lot deeper than an expectation. Still we followed the advice and Mi still didn’t eat. We had to force feed or the next step wouldn’t be planning her meals it would be planning her funeral.

 “Did I do something wrong Esmee? Bella asked turning to me her eyes wet with tears that threated to flood down over her cheeks.

 “No honey of course not, why would you think that?” I asked putting my hand on her back in comfort while leaning in closer to her.

 “It’s just that I spent so much time with her over the last few weeks and I’ve been talking to her and trying to tell her to eat and everything but she just stared through me. I didn’t make any difference. She still got to the stage of needing a tube. I just feel like I have done something wrong.” Bella moaned a single tear falling over her cheek.

 “No Bella. Anorexia is to blame here, not you.”    

Chapter 109 : Another fighter in my war

Esmee and Emmet worked in perfect unison, Esmee chucked him the bowl that Emmet caught perfectly and then he dropped to his knees and held it under my chin as the second bout of violent vomiting burst out of my mouth.

 “You’re Ok, honey; you’re Ok it will pass.” Emmet soothed getting to his feet taking the bowl of watery vomit away with him while Esmee immediately took his place holding another bowl under my chin. Edward then crouched on the other side of me and very gently whipped the vomit off of my mouth. I had no idea why but this made me smile. Probably because you’re an idiot.

I took big gulping breaths trying to take in as much air as possible between dry heaving as the mussels in my stomach stretched. Edward rubbed my back in a soothing manner as he whispered soothing comments to me trying somehow to make me feel better.

 "Emmet when your free could you set up some oxygen please.” Esmee asked sweetly over her shoulder while still squeezing my shoulder in her usual comforting way. I tried to gasp out my protest at the thought of having to be given oxygen but my lugs wouldn’t let me by squeaking where my voice should have been.

 “Sure thing,” Emmet said throwing a paper towel on top of the bowl of vomit and pulled off his gloves throwing them in the bin, he then went about pulling a mask out of the cupboards and clear plastic tubing. I tried to calm myself to get the image of the sick painfully thin girl in my head but just when I made any progress another image of her entered into my mind only worse than before.  That couldn’t have been me. Where were the bulges and the fat that stuck to the sides of my body when I normally looked into the mirror? Why was I so thin? I had been heading for purity but it was nowhere around. Either way the mirror looked I was disgusting.

I heaved again and Esmee moved the bowl back closer to my mouth while Edward scoped my hair off of my shoulders that Esmee had let out of its pony tail after it was done, I heaved again pulling harder at my stomach muscles and more vomit entered into the new bowl Esmee had under my mouth.

 “You finished for a while honey?”  Emmet asked once again swapping his place with Esmee he had a mask held in his hand.

 “I’m sorry.” I moaned sitting down properly on the floor, the nausea for then at least seemed to be passing. Edward once again wiped off my lips and again I smiled. God you really are stupid.

 “Here try some of this.” Emmet tried to snap the green elastic over the back of my head from the now assembled oxygen mask but I shock him off clawing at the mask with my hand making it go away.

 “Dear me Mi,” Esmee interjected as she crouched down on the other side of me. “What is it about you that don’t like oxygen?” she asked taking the oxygen mask off of Emmet and pulling it over my head ignoring the protests. My panic rose immediately as the plastic of the mask sucked its self to my face and I tried once again to claw it off but Emmet was quicker them me with his lightning fast reflexes he grabbed hold of both my hands in his vice like grip and held them down at my sides. With the absence of anything else I could do the tears then come again streaming out of my eyes as I yelped like a puppy in my attempts to keep them inside. My breathing became even more erratic then it was before as the oxygen hissed going down into my lugs; it felt more like it was billowing poison into them. My stomach clinched again and the vomit gushed up the back of my already sore throat.

 “I’m going to be sick.” I gasped trying to drag my hands free of Emmet’s so I could pull the mask from my face and grab the dish that was beside me in time. I guessed vomiting into an oxygen mask would not have been a pleasant experience. Esmee reacted first yanking the mask off from my face just before I was violently sick again this time pretty much square over her blouse. My insides went cold but my cheeks went bright red burning with the embarrassment of what had just happened. I had been sick over Esmee’ shoe before but this was something else altogether. I wanted to curl up where I was and die.

“Esmee,” I gasped. “I am so, so sorry,” I cried the sobbing tone returning to my voice before I bent over and curled my body wrapped up into a tight ball letting the scream that was inside me finally emerge from my lips.

 “Mi, it’ Ok, you couldn’t help it. I am a nurse it has happened to me millions of times before. I will just go have a shower and get changed and it will be like nothing has happened. It’s not a big deal Ok, it really isn’t. Don’t let this upset you any more then you already are. It hasn’t upset me. It just goes with the job.” Esmee said her voice still calm and controlled even though she was now wearing an outfit that mostly consisted of my breakfast.

“It’s not all right!” I screamed bashing my forehead against the cold lino floor of the clinic room. “Nothing is all right!” Before Esmee could respond again I had someone else’s arms wrapped around me and I buried myself in closer to his chest grateful for anything or anyone that was going to hold me together Just a little bit as most of me headed down the drain.

 “Your OK Honey, You’re alright.” Edward whispered trying to get a better grip around my body. “it’s all OK. Esmee will be fine and so will you. We are all here to help you together.”