Chapter 145 : blood lust

“Ok, sweetie let’s take it easy. I can tell you are feeling some really big things here and I think we should try and talk through them before they overwhelm you completely.”

He had no idea; all thoughts immediately overwhelmed me, that’s what made them all so completely unbearable, that was the way I liked it in my state of induced numbness, numbness felt strange but it was better than the feelings, feelings hurt.

 “Right first off I just want to make sure you’re not crying because you are in physical pain.” Emmet said getting off of the lounging chair and moving himself onto my bed again placing one of his hands on the small of my back and the other trying to get my hands away from my eyes. He didn’t mind me crying but he didn’t like me hiding away.

 “No!” I snapped, my words sounding harsher then I had meant, he was only trying to help and he didn’t even care that I snapped at him.

 “Well that’s a good start, but what is it that you are feeling right now? Is it one thing or lots of things and is there any way I can help?  Emmet asked softly his voice almost a whisper.

 “Stupid, that‘s what it is! I feel so fucking stupid!” I sobbed harder bashing my fists down again missing the mattress on the bed and hitting the metal with a clang. I had not meant to do this and the pain that shot through my wrist just made my anger grow. I was losing it to the furry. The rising red clouds of anger were going to win over me at any second. I was so mad with myself, so completely furious at every atom that made me and I wanted to destroy every one of them too.

 “What’s stupid honey?” Emmet asked softly leaning forward and holding onto my hands so I couldn’t bash them. It felt like he might as well have stopped me breathing as he took away my life line.  He thought he was trying to help, they all said that to stop me hurting myself was the upmost important thing but it was like they were killing me.

 “I’m stupid” I yelled through my sobbing “Me and this stupid Fucking tube!” I wailed trying to wrestle my good hand out of Emmet’s grips so I could conduct another attack on the metal. Metal and bones made me better, punished my soul.

 “No, no, no, I want to hang on to these,” Emmet said holding onto my hands tighter making his grip as strong as cast iron bindings.

 “Let them go,” I wailed like a child that couldn’t get their own way,“Please let them go” I begged as my whole body began to hurt; the nausea creeping up my throat and the elastic bands constricting around my body like a bower constrictor. I couldn’t breathe through the tightness and I couldn’t see through the gathering red mist, the situation felt all so helpless, there would be no reprieve.

 “No Mi. We are going to talk through this OK. We are going to talk through these complicated feelings and you are going to get through this without having to hurt yourself,” Emmet confirmed in a matter of fact tone.  He made it seem as simpe, if only he knew it was actually as imposable as walking on water.

 “I can’t, it hurts!” I cried, the muscles in my legs and stomach clenching up into tight balls as a protest to my hyperventilation.

 “I know it does honey, but the pain is purely in your head and we are going to make it go away OK. Now I need you to take some big calming breaths for me, I bet your muscles are feeling all tight and horrible right now and that is because of your breathing, calming it down will make it go away.”

 I tried to do what I was told; if there was any way that he could save me from the pain it would be worth taking. The trouble was his expectations were just too high and soon I had to give up letting my breaths become even more accelerated until it resembled the breathing of a panting dog.

 “I can’t breath.” I complained through my tears as I wrestled again to get my hands out of Emmet’s.

 “Mi, you are having a panic attack and your hyperventilating which is going to make you feel ten times worse in the long run, now you really need to try. We will do it together OK. Now breathe with me.” Emmet said taking in a deep breath through his nose.

 “No, no, no, no, no!” I squeaked my breathing becoming yet faster and the balls in my legs tighter. He had no idea the pain I was in, it may have only been a panic attack but to me it felt like I was being tortured.  So with one final pull I yanked my hands free of Emmet’s but had no time to do anything before he was behind me wrapping his arms around my shoulders and bracing my back against his chest in the familiar restraint.

 “Let me go,” I protested violently, thumping my head hard back against his chest in a hope that he might drop me. He had no idea what he was doing to me.

 “Can I have some help in here please?” Emmet yelled over his shoulder to the entrance of the ward. It was him against me now. My war becoming a part of his.

 “Let go of me!” I protested again trying to wriggle my body out from under his arms.

 “Shhh, calm down honey calm down.” Emmet soothed but there was nothing that could be done to stop me. I had been consumed in the anger and the fear I had been swallowed by the silent screams and I needed more blood to flow to make me better, to make the bad go away, my own personal kind of blood lust. Only after my fix would my need become sedated.