Chapter 144 : turned to dust

 Before I could argue how it was utterly stupid to trust me with something so precious Esmee swooped down and placed Mia on my lap which made Mia giggle before leaning over and placing her hand on my face. I kissed the palm of it gently and tickled her belly making her squeal in delight while clapping her hands.

 I soon got lost in Mia’s face and became oblivious to the rest of the world around me, if I could have be allowed to stay like I was then forever my life would be worth living, I could see hope but no good thing could ever last and I jumped as Emmet’s voice intruded in on my bubble.

  “I see you two are getting along then.” Emmet laughed leaning over and messing up Mia’s hair before taking his seat in the lounging chair next to my bed where he would stay until someone else come to take his place.

 “Esmee said it’s OK.” I mumbled stopping playing with Mia so she slapped me in the face in protest with a spongy hand when I still didn’t respond she started squeaking at me in annoyance.

 “Don’t look so scared Mi. Of course it’s OK.” Emmet smiled “She would soon let you and the rest of the world know if it wasn’t.” It wasn’t like that, not always. Children didn’t always scream when they were being hurt. Sometimes it was silent. Sometimes it worse than words or screaming or hurting, sometimes it was indescribable pain and I was a bad person. I didn’t deserve to be holding Mia I knew that and what if I was hurting her and she couldn’t say it?

 Mia unwilling to wait any longer for my attention found the handy attachment to my face and gave it a yank, pulling me back out of my world and into the reality as I felt the tube slid up from somewhere inside me and it hit me in the back of the throat hitting, making my tummy heading up towards my mouth.

 “Amelia no,” Esmee corrected in her firm voice, swooping down and taking her off of my lap which made Mia howl in protest, She had no idea what she had done wrong, no idea what her mother was telling her no for. She didn’t know that pulling the tube would hurt me; it was my fault for having the stupid thing there in the first place.

 “I will take her out.” Esmee said sadly to Emmet who was already on my bed.

 “Open your mouth for me honey, open up. I want to make sure she hasn’t done anything to your throat.”  The tears burned angrily at the back of my eyes as I opened my mouth and Emmet peered inside moving the tube in my nose gently as he looked.  I had done it again. I had ruined everything and now she wasn’t here anymore. Everything was falling.

 “Ok honey, all looks good back here; she has just pulled the tube up a bit. I need you to drink some water for me again.” He said going over to my bedside locker and picking up the plastic cup with a straw in it “Just like we did when we put it in.”I leant forward and drank from the straw while Emmet used the hand that wasn’t holding the cup to push the tube back down until it was in again.

 “All done Mi,” Emmet said sweetly smiling at me as he backed off of my bed, “No harm done, though of course as always you have the right to complain if you think we made a lack in judgment. This shouldn’t have been allowed to happen, I admit that.” I whacked my fist into the mattress next to me. He thought I should complain against them? Where was their complaint against me? The one that said I made their two year old cry for no reason. The one that said I nearly dropped her when she pulled my tube up. The one that said I made their jobs a living hell and I couldn’t suck it up for a few seconds to let them put some feed down my nose. What about all the times that I shouted at them or swore at them or struggled against them? I leant forward and sobbed this time loudly into my hands. Why was it everything I touched, everything that mattered, turned to dust in my hands?