Chapter 129 : You want disturbed i will show you disturbed.

“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great”
And would suffice.
Robert Frost

“Do you feel you are going to be safe dealing with this Mi or should I see if they have a side ward we can be put into till you feel a bit better? Maybe you could try out some distractions that I know.”

I opened my mouth to answer him but wasn’t able to. I hadn’t thought about the fact I needed to self-harm and I was in a hospital bed on one to one observations. I had been kidding myself that when the urge became too much, when I found I couldn’t breathe from it any more I could just slip away and get a razor blade and carve my feelings into my flesh. I also knew that distraction was useless it was like telling someone who really needed the loo not to think about it and it would go away, it never did, it only ever got worse but still that was the advice people where given. Of course now I needed to cut, I needed to cut desperately and without the opportunity to do so I needed it more than ever and slowly it was finding its way to crush me again. My body started to shake and I rapidly flexed my hand with the drip in causing the blood to pump up the tube. It was not enough, I wanted to see it flow out of me I wanted it to crash all around me, I wanted to drown in the red gold.

Emmet who did not need any more of an answer than my frantic shaking and gripping of my hands reached over my bed and pulled the nurses call button off of it’s stand giving it a squeeze. A low beep came from the nurses’ station and outside somewhere up the hall and amber light flashed above my cubical.

“You could have just gone and got a nurse.” I said prodding at the cannula in my hand so I could feel the throbbing of the vain underneath; Just sitting there taunting me with its presence. It would have been so easy to expose it fully.

“I am not allowed to leave you remember.” Emmet said leaning over and taking both of my hands gently in his, his thumbs rubbing the backs of them discreetly rubbing down the sides of the sticky tape that held it in place. “I also can’t let you hurt yourself, he added.” I tried to jerk my hands away from his but he held on tighter to them so I wobbled my legs making the bed rock. I started to breath faster too, unable to catch my breath as my chest squeezed in on it’s self. “Come now honey, I want you to take big deep breaths for me Ok. In through your nose and out through your mouth. It will help, I promise.”

I squeezed my eyes tight and did what he asked though it took more effort than I had in me. I managed six deep long drawn out breaths before I felt the familiar elastic bands constricting around me and the hollow empty screaming in my head for my own bloody form of therapy. I squealed out in half pain half frustration while I began to rock my body back and forth banging my legs against the mattress, praying that somewhere in me a vein would burst open to grant me release. I was being pulled under the lakes of darkness and fire edged at my skin, fire, ice, destructing, pain, pulling and breathing, the world ending.

“Should someone as disturbed as that really be on a normal children’s ward?” The woman sat next to the patient in the bed next to me asked in the dirtiest voice she could manage as she pulled her chair in closer to the bed and wiped down her skirt like somehow I had made her dirty, like somehow she couldn’t see that I wasn’t meant to be hurting her just myself, that I was on fire.  “I mean my son is very sick and needs rest, surly there should be a different place for someone like her I mean what if she decides to massacre all the other patients in their sleep.” The woman shuddered looking over her shoulder and scowling at me. Emmet growled at her moaning something about being as helpful as a chocolate fire guard.

Everything then overwhelmed me. The fire of anger that was already strong inside me exploded in an inferno of heat sound and fury and I couldn’t control it any longer. I wanted to jump from my bed and tackle the bitch to the floor. I wanted to rip and stab and punch the living day lights out of her then I wanted to laugh at her as she cried and screamed out in agony as my fire charred at her skin and mad her black. Then there was the loathing for myself and the need to punish myself  for my evil thoughts, The punishment just for being me and It came in the form of a  block of ice banging into my body and sending me soaring back into the red hot anger of the fire and I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it. There was nothing I could do and it was killing everything and I was drowning in the smoke and water unable to breath, unable to reach the surface.

I pulled my hands free of  Emmet’s and ripped the drip clean out the back of my hand not feeling the pain that it should of caused, and suddenly not caring about the blood the spurted from it. I needed something more; something better, something that could show everyone how disturbed I was and I knew what it was. I jumped to my feet and took off to the other side of the ward; I knew my goal.

Searching the wheelie cabinet of supplies I tore open the draws one by one and fumbled around with frantic hands for something I could use. Then in the second drawer down I found it, the metal gleaming up at me from within its sterile packet, the surgical scissors.

Grabbing them with shaking hands I ripped off the plastic with my teeth before opening them to reveal their sharp edge. Then looking at the horror struck woman in the corner I let a smile emerge upon my face showing my teeth before with all the strength I could put behind it I slashed the scissors over my wrist and watched, breathing heavily as the red gold pumped up to hit me in the face and then poured like a river onto the floor.