Chapter 163 : Brainless and invisible

“Hold up, where do you think you’re off to?”  Emmet shouted lurching forward and grabbing me firmly by the waist as I stumbled towards the floor and into the gutter along with my puke. “I probably should have pre-empted this,” Emmet muttered more to himself then to me as I retched again and added more orange water to the gutter.

“Is everything all right up here?” I heard a woman shout somewhere in the distance, I turned my head trying to look for the women who had asked Begging that the question was not intended for us. I felt stupid enough without someone else being concerned, but as always luck was not on my side and as I gagged again into the gutter the woman dressed in the all too familiar green uniform started to jog in our direction.

“Can I help at all?” The woman asked again slightly out of breath from the jogging as she throw her green medical bag onto the floor next to me before grabbing my wrist between her two fingers

“Hello there, I’m Suzan, my partner and myself where based at the end of the road and we thought you might be in distress, there was a moment when it looked like you nearly fainted to us and as we weren’t’t doing anything I thought I would see if I could lend some assistance.

“I’m Ok,” I mumbled trying to take slow and even breaths to steady the rolling nausea inside of me there was now to much at stake to let myself be sick again, in fact I would of be Earning myself a one way ticket back to the hospital.

“You don’t look all that OK my love how about we just pop you up to the ambulance for a bit, I can check out all of your vitals and things and if they are all good I can let dad take you on your way, maybe he can get you home and spoil you for a bit.” Suzan asked gently clasping her hand around my shoulder which instantly made my whole body stiffen against the stranger’s hands and my stomach retch in protest to the now increased nausea.

 “I’m fine,” I gasped after swallowing the sickness that made an escape attempt up the back of my throat. Why wouldn’t she just leave me alone? It would pass soon if I concentrated enough I might have been able to push it all away.

 “You’re clearly not my love and I just want to check you over, there is no need to be afraid, I won’t take you to the hospital unless I really have to and your daddy will be with you all of the time.” I thought I had miss-heard her the first time but this time I was completely sure she said daddy and I couldn’t help look around confused as to who she meant; I mean if she knew my dad she knew one more thing then I ever did.

 “I think I should clear something up, I’m not her farther, I’m her nurse and I am sure that Mi is fine and this will pass in a few moments.”  Emmet said still as calm as ever moving me closer to him which caused Suzan to let go and this is turn made my breathing become easier and the nausea to subside. Emmet still held onto me tightly by both shoulders to stop me from wobbling off balance but I didn’t’t mind this; I was, after all this time, used to the way his hands felt against me and I also knew they were never there to harm

 “Oh, I’m sorry I just assumed.” Suzan said sweetly smiling at me like I might somehow have become mentally incompetent in the last few seconds, hell she didn’t’t even know what kind of nurse he was yet and she had made her assumption that I was missing a brain.

 “What kind of nurse are you and what is wrong with her?” Suzan asked.  Apparently I was also invisible as well.

Chapter 162 : Overload

I had tried to argue with Emmet’s reaction but he was stubborn, even more stubborn then myself and in the end I backed down as he found a space high up in the car park and slipped his car in killing the engine.

As we walked down the winding stairs to meet Esmee and Mia at the bottom something inside me started to panic at the new non secure environment. It was like someone had come and zapped me with super strong senses making the new surroundings harsh against every one of them; sending me into a sensory overload. Unable to stop myself I felt my body become slightly shaky as I gripped hard onto the grimy hand rail trying to steady everything but even the metal felt too hash on my hands and I had to withdraw them almost causing my clumsy over sensitive legs to stumble.

“Are you Ok? You look a bit shaky my love?” Emmet asked gently stopping on the stairs ready to grab me if my misbehaving legs caused me to fall.

“I’m fine,” I lied taking a deep breath and pushing on down the stairs. The smell of urine and cigarette smoke seemed stupidly intense inside of me from my deep breath in and I recoiled again slightly trying to stop the gagging I felt inside my throat from becoming vocal; there was no way I was going to make a fool of myself when I was in the “real world.” I walked slowly trying to compensate for what felt like my new hyper sensitive vision, all of a sudden it was like I could see everything at a hundred times bigger than what they were, I could see every exposed brick, every tiny piece of chewing gum engrained upon the floor in a strange patch work; every tiny insignificant flaw to the paint work. 

Finally unable to control my insides any longer and my increasing need to vomit from all of the new intensity inside me I gagged and stumbled out of the door with my hand over my mouth trying to find the fresh air, but the outside only made it worse. The sun hit me with intense light and heat like it was actually going to set fire to my skin and the cars whizzed past my dazed eyes at the speed of sound leaving no time to let my eyes adjust to their scarily harsh colors and shapes. I could hear every one talking at the same time at war with the amplified birds above not to mention the smell of fast food and car fumes that infiltrated my nostrils like a bulldozer.

 I retched loudly unable to contain the sickness as I tripped and fell, violently vomiting into the gutter below.

Chapter 161 : Alive

“It sounds good.” I finally said after a moment of thinking it through. “At least it gets me out of the unit for a while.”

 “That’s what I thought; it’s not good for anyone to be cooped up for so long.”

 “Since when do blokes like shopping though?” I asked looking up at him from under my hair a cheeky smile on my face. Emmet seemed like the kind of bloke that would rather put a flesh eating moth into his ear then enter a town canter with the intention of shopping.

 “I don’t, but I know a woman who does and I was hoping it would be Ok if me met up with her and little Mia too, after all my opinions are truly awful when it comes to the brain of a teenage girl.” Emmet said smiling over at me as he pulled up at a set of traffic lights.

 “You remember what happened last time I was close to your daughter.” I moaned my mood swinging to dark again as the image of my first encounter of Emmet and Esmee‘s daughter floated through my head.” I don’t think I should be near babies.”

 “I thought you like Kids.” Emmet said as he pulled away from the traffic lights and up a ramp into one of the city centers many multi story car parks.

 “I do like Kids Emmet and little Mia is a fantastic little girl but last time I was with her I made her cry and it still haunts me now, I just know I will land up damaging her in some way. You know as well as me that I’m not a good person Emmet; I am bad news.” I moaned as I tried to push the unexpected tears back to where they belonged.

 “Mi for a start you are not a bad person and second you didn’t make Mia cry honey, Esmee made her cry by taking her off of your lap and telling her off. You where fantastic with her, I saw the way you handled and played with her but most importantly I saw the spark in your eyes and your whole face light up  when she was sat with you. For the first time that day I saw a part of you I had never seen before and I loved what I saw; for the first time, I saw you alive.”

Chapter 160 : Shopping

“That’s nice,” I smiled sarcastically at him. “Now seriously what are you planning to do with me?” I asked while trying to suppress the edge of panic that had risen inside of me; it would have been just my luck to find out Emmet was actually a stark raving lunatic.

 “Don’t look so worried Mi,” Emmet laughed, “I’m not really kidnapping you. I have permission to take you out to do something for your birthday. I thought we could go shopping,” He smiled looking over at me to gage my reaction.

 “Emmet I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.” I moaned staring out my window again as the panic that had risen despaired. I should have none that he was only trying to be nice to me.

 “Ok, we won’t do that but we could still go shopping, your room needs brightening up, it’s got too much of an NHS quality about it at the moment. Let’s get some posters and some of your own duvet covers and things it might make you feel better in the long run.”

 “With what exactly?” I asked, “I don’t have any money.”

 “Yes you do, we applied for benefits for you when you entered the unit and you just got your back payment. You got about four hundred pounds, so what do you say let’s do some shopping yeah?

Chapter 159 : Kidnapped

Two days later I was sat next to Emmet in his Nissan note and we were making are way back to apple gate house. I was to be tried out on green 20 minute observations to try and get some of my independence back and let me become a bit more my own person again. It was also my 16^th birthday, a date I had been trying to keep as quiet and out of the spot light as I could manage. My self-surviving and growing another year in my eyes was nothing to celebrate. In fact I had never intended to make 16 at all; getting there was just another one of my failures in a long line.

“So how come you haven’t said anything then?” Emmet asked a smile on his lips, he looked suspicious.

 “About what?” I asked looking out the window of the car at the white lines of the road rushing past me until I felt thoroughly sick. I had been used to walking up these streets. I had a hundred times before and now they whizzed past me in a blur making me nauseous. I was fading fast from the world.

“Sweet 16 hay,” Emmet remarked, the side of his lips twisting up into an off grin.

 My insides went cold; of course the staff where going to know it was my birthday my date of birth was plastered over every one of the white boards in every office. I sighed; it looked like I wasn’t going to be able to wish it all away after all.

 “I don’t what to think about it OK Emmet, trust me another year older is nothing to celebrate,” I moaned.

 “But birthdays are great,” Emmet insisted. “It gives us all an excuse to eat too much cake,” I raised my eye brows and turned to look at him in disgust.

 “Fair enough,” Emmet chuckled at seeing my disgusted look. “I take it not everyone has as much passion for cake as I do but still that isn’t a reason not to do something, look at it this way, it is another year you can hold your head up high and say, I survived all this shit,”

 “You could also see it as another year where I have made absolutely no achievement, got kicked out my foster home got sectioned into a mental hospital and still failed to kill myself, forgive me if I don’t feel like celebrating that.” I retorted still looking out of the window but this time at the other people who walked past on the street. There was so many of them, all of them going somewhere different then where I was, they all had different friends different family’s different homes and I had nothing but my NHS room in a hospital ward, and he wanted me to celebrate being alive for 16 years? Were had I got to? What had I achieved? Why was I still here?

 “Umm Emmet,” I said surprised as he drove right past the big metal gates of apple gate house and on up the road. “You realize you just drove right past the unit.” I said for the first time turning away from the window to look at him.

 “Oh yeah I forgot to mention.” Emmet said the touch of a smile on his lips again as he continued to look forward at the road. “I’m kidnapping you.”

Chapter 158 : Finally rescued

I longed to reach out and put both my arms around Emmet to hold him so tight next to me and never let him go, I wasn’t sure why, was it because he believed me when it had been drummed into me for years that no one ever would. Was it because he didn’t hate me that he didn’t see it from my abusers points of view, or was it just because I needed to hold onto something before I broke apart?

“I suppose I should shower. I said still looking down at the diamond shaped patterns on the  floor having to almost sit on my hands to hold them back so I couldn’t reach out for him.

“Are you sure you’re feeling OK to be alone right now?” Emmet asked gently putting his hand on my shoulder. His hand was like a power source to me. Like I was some sort of receiver and the feelings that were being suppressed returned with a frightening intensity. The sadness was the main feeling, the black wave of despair that dragged me to the bottom of the ocean with such a force it felt like I would never see the surface again, like I would never be able to breathe again, like my soul got lost to the waves and the sea and it would be cursed to cry there forever.

Almost surprisingly to me the tears found their way to my eyes and hit me like a ton of bricks making  me burst into tears like a child does when they fall off of their bike, or a toddler falls flat on their face when they are learning to walk. They were loud long and uncontrolled and in my case shameful. I had lost the right to cry. They had even took that away from me in my eyes.

“Come here little one.” Emmet said softly scooting closer to me so he could wrap his protective arms around my shaking body and hold me tight to him. “I can’t make the pain go away Mi but I wish I could.” He whispered into the top of my head. “I wish there was a way I could take it all away but I can’t all I can do is hold you tight and let you cry and let you know I am right by your side.” He said again as he slightly rocked me back and forth in his arms like you would comfort a crying child. Like he was comforting the abused six year old within me, like somehow, I had finally been rescued.

Chapter 157 : The devil in me

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry.” Emmet said gently taking one of my hands to help me back up into a seating position. I wrapped the towel around myself closer and chewed on one of the corners keeping my eyes fixed upon the diamond pattered floor; I did not want to see the judgment on his face, just in case he was judging me.

 It’s Ok,” I said in barely more than a whisper, “I deserved it, I was a bad kid, I tried to do things right but always failed. He told me that no one could ever love me, that I should be thrilled that people would pay to come and see me.”

 “People paid?” Emmet asked confused, the horror plain in his voice now.

 “Sometimes, he said he spent too much money on me. I cost too much to feed and clothe, that I had to make some money. So a few people paid to come and see him do stuff to me, and they could request things that they wanted. If they paid more they could do stuff to me too while the others masturbated and if they paid a lot more they could come over in private. It was almost like he rented me out to people.

 Did your mother know?”  Emmet asked his voice sounding appalled at what he was hearing.  I knew what I was saying was wrong and that this didn’t happen to normal children but still I couldn’t help think his disgust was with me; after all I blamed myself whole heartedly for everything that had happened. I should have tried harder.  I could have been better.

 “Don’t hate me; please don’t think too badly of me Emmet. I know I was a bad girl and I should of tried harder, but please don’t hate me.” I squeaked letting the tears shine in my eyes and for the first time I looked into his. I lost too many people, I scared them away and now I would lose him to, I should have kept my mouth shut, they were right.

 "Oh honey,” Emmet said taking in a sharp intake of breath before reaching out and taking my hand, squeezing it tightly in his. “This is not your fault, you have to listen to me and trust me now. What happened to you was an abomination, absolutely unacceptable in any circumstance and absolutely not your fault. You were just a little girl and you were abused in a vile and despicable way. You have done nothing wrong and you have been so brave telling me.”

 “I must have though. “ I said confused the tears coming down over my cheeks in thick streaks now, “he never did it to Arabella, don’t get me wrong I am glad about that, but he said he didn’t because she was a good girl. That she didn’t have the devil in her. That she made him proud. I tried to be a good girl Emmet, but I never was, that’s why I need to die, because I’ll never be good enough.” I whispered big tears rolling down over my face.

 Mi. Listen to me honey.” Emmet said gently cupping his hand around my face so he could look at me in the eyes. They were piercing and made me shiver.

 “Emmet don’t.” I said softly as I tried to look back at the floor however he pulled my face back up to look at him.

 You need to listen to me Ok. What happened to you is not your fault. You did nothing wrong, no six year old is evil. You were an innocent little girl that was betrayed and abused in the most despicable and disgusting way there can be. Now you said you can trust me.  So believe me now even if you never trust me on anything again. You have done nothing wrong.”

Chapter 156 : Spitting it out

“Is there anything I can do?” Emmet asked in his soft velvet tone voice as he sat close to me on the floor occasionally stroking the hair out of my eyes as I tried to sake the violating images away.

 “I hate what happened to me.” I moaned as the flash backs began to fade from the forefront of my memory but somehow I still felt abused and betrayed. I was still dirty and I knew even if I found the energy in me to crawl into the shower I would always be this dirty; his handprints tattooed invisibly onto my skin

 “Mi you know you said you could trust me. Then tell me baby. Tell me what haunts you so.” Emmet said gently smiling at me trying to break down whatever walls that kept my secret hidden from sight. For years they had been locked up somewhere far away, tight in a little box behind a hundred miles of brambles and nails.   Somehow Emmet seemed to have worked his way past them all, and as his reward was the dirty words left from inside me.  To be heard for the first time.

 “I was six years old when I was first raped.”

Chapter 155 : Saved at last

“Mi, honey bunny what’s happened?” Emmet asked concerned crossing the bathroom in two strides so he was next to me. It was hard to see him through the shadows of my memory but in a way he was clear too, my mind realized he was safe even in my weakest semi naked state.

 “There in me.” I whispered flinching as my eyes glazed over with another flashback making me go stiff on the floor.  I wanted it to be over, I never wanted to feel any of those feelings ever again.

 “What’s in you?” Emmet asked his voice calmer but also more concerned. “Mi are you hurt? Have you hurt yourself?” He asked gently placing a towel over the top half of my body. It wasn’t for his embarrassment he covered me up. It was for the embarrassment it might cause me by him seeing me that way.

“I’m not hurt.” I mumbled into the ground next to my face. “I’m Ok. It’s in my head, but I can feel them” I wined “and I’m so small. I’m just a baby really.”

 “Are you hearing voices Mi?” Emmet asked softly placing his hand gently on my shaking arm.

 “It’s a flashback, I think.” I whispered.

 “Well I am here with you this time Mi. whatever hurt you can’t hurt you now. I won’t let anything hurt you, Ok. You are safe.”