Esmee
There were a million and one better things that I could have been doing with my time. The most prominent one being the sky high mountain of paper work that was growing in the office and had my name written all over It, however the night before I hadn‘t slept well, paper work was boring and despite the fact the all the furniture in the unit was cheap and nasty the sofa I was sitting on was actually quite comfortable. Also as a nurse I wanted to spend time with my patients. After all I became a nurse to nurse patients not a ball point pen and wasted paper. So for the time being I decided to stick were I was, and enjoy the sunlight that warmed the back of my head from the window above the chair I was sitting in
It was the sound of panicked breathing that made the heavy haze retreat and my ears prick up along with the other four nurses in the room as we all turned to look at each other, just before a distressed Bella stumbled through the door: her face wet with tears and her breathing high pitched and erratic.
“Hay, hay sweaty.” I said concerned getting to my feet and going over to her, catching her by the shoulders as she stumbled forward. “All right Bella, calm down, big breaths. Come on,” I said taking her hand in mine and toeing her body towards the open door, her sobbing getting louder. “I’m going to take you the clinic room OK? Only because it’s closest to here and we can have a chat in there , see what’s going on for you.” we reached the clinic room and I entered in the four digit code before swiping my key card that was attached to my belt loop on my jeans.
“All right honey, take some deep breaths, lets calm that breathing down.” I said gently leading Bella over to the doctors bench and sitting down next to her. “That’s good, your doing really well sweetheart, keep taking big deep breaths. In through your noose and out though your mouth. Your doing so well. Now do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“It’s the bloody new girl!” Bella shouted harshly, fresh sobs bursting out through her mouth as she rocked her self back and forward on the bench pressing her face into her hands. “She must weight about 7O Lbs damn it!” Bella snapped before more sobbing rumbled up her throat and into her hands.
“So how can I help Bella?” I asked trying not to make the question sound harsh or patronizing. She probably didn’t know. She would want me to have the answers and I wished I did but like so often in my line of work I drew a blank. I maintained it would have been easier working in a general children’s ward, after all the pain of those kids would be easier to manage and it was normally cured by a pill in the mouth or a drug into the back of the hand. Unfortunately there wasn’t a magic pink pill that cured all the internal monsters of anorexia and I knew my words would bring little relief, but this is what I signed up for. This is what I wanted to do. So often because a situation was hard people didn’t want to try but I honestly did. Bella deserved a chance. Deserved to be seen and understood, even if her actual illness was hidden.
“You’re the bloody nurse!” Bella snapped “How about you put all that posh training into practise and do something. I ignored her. Lets be honest I asked for it.
“what is it about Mi being so thin that upsets you so much, because if you are right (and it was a good guess, mi actually weighed 75lbs) it means that Mi is very sick.”
“She is thinner then Me!” Bella wailed. “She is a lot thinner then me by like 20lb or something and she is taller then me” How the fuck is she still walking around? Why isn’t she on bed rest? Why the hell hasn’t she got a tube? Why isn’t she on red?” Bella demanded.
“So you’re worried about her?” I asked even though inside my head I knew better. Bella had been struggling and yo-yoing with her weight so much it was obvious she was still in the middle of her anorexia, and anorexia didn’t like to lose.
“I’m jealous of her! I was like her Esmee. I was 70lb and shiny and new inside! My bones stuck out like hers and I was almost there. I just had to lose a few more pounds then I would be OK and then I come here and I got fed and now I weigh 90lb and my hips are hiding somewhere under all this flab and I will never reach perfect because I am fat, fat, fat and you lot are all so blind to see it!”
“You have some heard feelings going on there Bella…”
“Don’t give me any of the psycho analysis shit Esmee!” Bella shouted throwing her arms into the air and jumping off of the bench before going to the mirror and yanking her top off over her head and pulling at the skin that held on to her bones. She sobbed louder as she sucked her stomach in revealing more of her bones. She simply saw her self as too big. She saw fat that jut want there and not the bones that made my tummy hurt somewhere inside.
“Bella come away from the mirror honey. Your torturing your self ”
“No! I have to see it! You have to see it! Look Esmee it’s just there! Sticking to me and I can’t get it off and it’s just chocking me! Make it go away! Just make it go away!” Bella cried before dropping to her knees and curling her self up onto the floor her whole body trembling as she rocked her body backwards and forwards, her face in her hands. Completely destroyed.
“It’s all right Sweetheart. Your going to be OK,” I tried to sooth as I dragged my body off of the doctors bench grabbed the blanket off of it as well and went over to Bella wrapping it over her exposed shoulders before sitting on the floor close to her and wrapping my arm around her pulling her in close to me.
“I just want it to stop,” she sobbed “I want it to all go away so I can be normal.”
“I know hon, I know. it’s a bloody shit illness to have and completely draining.”
“You have no idea,” she moaned.
Neither did she…
I love Esmee and Bella <3
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