Chapter 32 : Sometimes it’s hard not to be biased

Esmee

There was never a dull moment when faced with new admissions and Mia Dorado’s was no exception. We had all known that Dinner was going to be hard for her and in reality she had done well really, eating a good half of the salad and about a tenth of the pasta. The fact that Emmet had just had to toe her out of the room before she threw it all back up into her pate again was not so positive, but that was what Apple gate house was all about. Small backwards and forwards steps until we were heading in the right direction. On the other hand this didn’t mean that such interruptions to a set thing would be taken in its stride by the rest of the patients. I glanced around at the staff members giving them a slight nod to keep an eye out for the patients that would have been most at risk of a freak out while I raised my voice above the groans of disgust and side giggles to try and put the rest of dinner back on track.

“All right, all right come on everyone,” I said slowly and clearly crushing most of the noise under my apparent authority over the situation. “I know what has just happened is unusual but Mi is new here and has her own problems like all of us have. I know it isn’t nice to see someone feeling so unwell but Emmet has gone with her to help so we could we go back to eating dinner please.”

“Oh come on, Clair laughed from opposite me on the table as she poked melodramatically at the pasta on her plate. “She’ not unwell, she’s a puker. How original. I’m too fat, what should I do? Go on a diet? No I’m will just shove my fingers down my throat. Pathetic.” Clair jibbed, her voice a high pitched mimic, before she stabbed some pasta and threw it into her mouth.

The fork next to me smashed against the plate before screeching back across the ceramic making a sound like nails on a chalkboard. Bella had been disturbed from her task and now she was angry. Somewhere inside myself I too was also angry at Clair, however she had an anti-social disorder. A recognised mental illness, so I had to muster up as much understanding and compassion for her as I did for anyone else, but the other patients did not have this obligation. To them she was just a heartless bitch, And now for Bella, it had just got personal.

“We may be pukers but at least we’re fucking human inside. I mean you know that place in your chest where peoples hearts are normally? Yours is just a black hole! You want to know the reason why Mi has to throw her food up. It’s probably because some bitch like you told her she was fat!” Bella screamed her face going red and her body shaking as she got to her feet and Clair followed. Her face opposite to Bella‘s; cool and collected. She was ready to fight. The only difference was a fight would break Bella apart while it brought Clair some pleasure.

“I was noticing you were looking slightly fatter again Bella. Gain a few more pounds did we? I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. We don’t want even more to pile on those fat hips.” Bella’s anger failed instantly. Her body sagging. Tears taking her eyes and swamping her cheeks as she pushed the half eaten plate of food away from her on the table, before she dropped to her knees crawled under the table and escaped out the door just before Jean got to her feet and took off after her.

Orange heat flooded inside of me. Human Esmee floating out the cracks of her nurses front. Biased angry Esmee that wanted to tell Clair that she to thought she was a heartless bitch and the world would be a nicer place if she wasn’t in it. Clair was not oblivious to what the words had meant that slipped out of her mouth. She had chosen them to cause the most damage. Chosen them to send Bella running from the room to the nearest loo were her fingers could be lodged down her throat. She had wanted them to hurt, and they had.

“Clair, I understand that you sometimes find social situations hard,” I said as calmly as I could even though my hands shook with my own personal built up rage. “Because of that we give you some slack, but I will not, under any circumstances tolerate bullying in this unit while I am in charge. especially when it comes to poking fun at someone else’s illness. We all have to live here together and we all have our reasons to be here. It is meant to be safe place and one individual no matter what their illness will change that.” I stated firmly trying to not let my teeth grind together in my annoyance.

“What are you going to do about it? You can‘t touch me” Clair sneered, the corners of her lips turning up into a mocking smile.

Throw you out on your ass and hope you wonder into oncoming traffic. “Elizabeth, can you take Clair into the day room and so she can finish up her food alone and stay with her until I can arrange a rota for her amber observations.” I asked the nurse beside Clair, smiling sweetly at her while ignoring Clair’s comment. I was better at hiding the sneering in my facial expression.

“ You can’t do that! On what ground can you amber me?” Clair screamed, her eyes turning red as she threw the chair she was sitting on over with a crash making everyone in the unit jump, Jack to rock and Amy- Jean to start crying.

“You’re a danger to others and your out of control.” I retorted trying not to let a guilty smile spread over my features. I hated bullies.