Chapter 48 : Just look for courage

“Come on then,” Bella said still giggling a little. “Do you want to come back to courage?” I hesitated wondering if there was a better chance of me running away back to my room and hiding under the duvet cover with my book, but that didn’t seem likely. Could I really say no to her after she saved me from being red’ed as she put it?

“You won’t be able to hide away from it all forever you know, they are being kind to you, seeing how you tick, what winds you up, how to keep you calm, but it won’t last. Eventually they will make you mix with the rest of us. You will start groups and things and trust me they are about as interesting as watching paint dry.”

“Yeah, that…that would be great.” I stuttered, cutting Bella of mid-sentence. I didn’t want to go but I had to stop her talking at me. My future in this place was not something I wanted to hear about. I didn’t want to know how they were analysing me, treating me like their lab-rat. I didn’t want a future.

“Cool that will be fantastic.” Bella beamed jumping once on the spot, three calories from her monster breakfast gone. I could see in her eyes that she had to physically stop herself doing more.

  “I better leave first. The two ED’s leaving the bathroom together.” Bella giggled chasing the desire to keep on exercising away; obviously putting together a mental image in her head of what the staff would say if the caught us.

 “They will think we are on a purging pact or something,” She confirmed.

“Bella, I’m not…”

“Yeah, yeah.” Bella’s said rolling her eyes much like crystal would. “You haven’t got an ED.” At this she turned away from me and did a strange little skip to the door – twenty calories, maybe thirty, gone. “I’m on the same floor as you, just look for courage.” Bella turned and walked out of the door closing it behind her.

I stopped for a minute and looked around the bathroom stopping my gaze on the mirror. I instinctively looked without really meaning to and there I was, still the same, still there. I sighed at my blood shot eyes and red blotchy face before punching the mirror hard with my good hand, the anger building in my chest, the tears brimming behind my eyes.

“Just look for courage,” I hissed the words to myself, “The courage to do what?”