Chapter 38 : Amber anger

Mi

“So then,” Emmet said his face turning to happy after a few more moments of trying to stare the answers out of me “Where are we off to now?” I was confused by the question. Hiding seemed like the best option, somewhere I could be small. Somewhere I could be insignificant and most defiantly somewhere I could be alone however we suggested that he wanted to be a part of my next actions. We was never a good word.

“The others are probably in the lounge watching the soaps on the TV, Of course some might be in their rooms reading or chilling out. There are some board games and crafty things downstairs we could have a crack at if you like that kind of things. I of course don’t mind either way.”

“What … I mean… What do you mean we?” I asked confused. “I want to be alone.”   

“Mi you’re going to hate me by the time the night shift comes on this evening.” Emmet sighed, his voice was defeated. He honestly hated being the bad guy. Though I still couldn’t see what could get worse about today, then my stomach dropped. Today here in the unit I had learnt one thing if nothing else. It could always get worse. Even when you were at rock bottom there was always someone to poo on you.

“Mi you are on Red obs for an hour. It’s a constant observation and we do it will all out build up menu clients from the time they have stopped eating. We realise meal times can be heard for you and we want to provide the extra support that might be needed.  A member of staff will have to be with you at all times for the next hour they can see you, and seems I’m on your obs that person is me. I essentially have to be wherever you are.”

 My soul shattered into smaller pieces then it was already in. I was almost sure I would never be whole again. That the gaping voids that throbbed for ever inside of me would be there until I killed it, and ended it permanently. A soothing thought that numbed the agony for a few seconds, next time I wouldn’t fail.

Then the anger came. The tornado that ripped through the shattered pieces and scattered them and right then it was all Emmet’s fault. He was the closest person to blame.

“Oh come on!” I snapped. The words clawing up my throat and out of my mouth before I had time to stop them.
“I mean what the hell do you think I’m going to do!” I said shooting a piercing glance at Emmet. acid burned the back of my mouth while a red mist gathered in front of my eyes. If it wasn’t for this stupid man I would have been OK. Emmet was the problem. It didn’t matter if so far he had only been kind and loyal to me and inhumanly patient. It was his entire fault. I hated my self
 “It’s not like I can do anything to myself! I was searched on arrival remember! I mean come on she took the belt off of my dressing gown!” I roared my hands shaking.

 Emmet’s face seemed shocked and his thumb edged towards his alarmed wrist, although he did not press it. Maybe she should have. Maybe that’s what I deserved.

 “What else could happen? I mean wouldn’t it be just awful if I got a horrible disfiguring scar! Oh I forgot I already have one of those anyway. I am ugly, I am fat! Which you’re all intent on making me fucking fatter! I have no use of one of my arms and, and.” I caught my breath because the room had started to whirl around me a little bit my, chest tightening. Then the truth came out –

 “I fucking hate myself. So I try to kill myself and I can’t even do that right, then to top it all I end up here!” My head swirled around me uncomfortably and I clenched hold of the doctor’s bench to steady myself. I could hear the drumming of my heart in my head and my fast unsteady breaths that caught somewhere deep in my lungs.

“Oh Mi moo I wish I could make you feel better.”

I froze. Everything suddenly still.