Chapter 193 : Years to remember

Esmee

I hadn’t wanted to leave  Mi but I was glad that I had when I span my body sharply into the nearest toilet in the emergency department waiting room just in time to throw myself down on my knees to puke heavily into the toilet bowl scolding myself on the inside for doing so. I had got the little white bottles out of the supply room hundreds of times when I had worked very briefly in A&E, I had even held patients hands and watched them drink it but I had never forced there hand like that. I had never been violent like that and I had never heard her scream like that. I had thought she was going to have been OK when I left her in the town center. She was so happy but suddenly on her sixteenth birthday we were in the A&E trying to save her life while she tried to leave and it affected me somewhere deep inside. I knew she felt and felt it in me, the years reoccurring inside my head.

 “For goodness sake pull yourself together Esmee.” I said bitterly before getting back to my feet pulling the flush and turning to the mirror.  My face and Neck were smudged black and grey along with the rest of my body and speckles of Mi’s blood splattered my skin as well but my mouth was the only thing that was clear and my teeth were still white when I pulled my face into a reluctant smile but I almost expected them to have a thick covering of it. I could almost taste it in the back of my throat, feel the cold and bitter grittiness against my teeth.

 It  had been years since It had been me half sat up on that bed covered in blood, sick and the intolerably disgusting poison control substance they had called activated charcoal. So many long years but I could still remember the taste of it clearly in my mouth and the smell of the Paracetamol that was usually odorless unless taken in huge quantities. I could still feel all the feelings just bubbling somewhere underneath my skin, the hurting, the dizziness and the fear. The devastating stomach churning fear at knowing that even though it was what you had asked for, those hours you were living there and then could be your last ones alive.

 “But you survived Esmee,” I said trying to comfort my reflection as my bottom lip began to quiver.  “You tried to kill yourself but you are still alive and now you have to be there for this scared little girl because there was no one there for you; this is the reason you became a nurse.” I muttered trying to be brave but I hurt, everything hurt inside of me, so in the end nothing could stop the wave of tears that swept over my body and I slipped down the bathroom wall with my head in my hands allowing very briefly for the sobbing to take over me.