Chapter 166 : Dirty for a decade

Esmee grabbed hold of the buggy while Emmet grabbed hold of me and helped me up the road towards a little secluded café; another one of my many nemeses that I feared I would never be able to get though. I didn’t only have an issue with eating; I had issues with other people eating around me as well in public. Apple gate was big but it was private at least unlike the café, behind those doors any one could arrive, however the café seemed a nice enough place with lots of tables and big comfy sofas split off into sections. The floor was a highly polished wood and the walls where mostly cream apart from one giant wall of modern floral wall paper. Another good thing was it was almost empty as well with just a small group off business men on a group of fake leather sofas by the window that led outside and a young girl behind the till that bopped along to some music that played from her MP3 player.

“Why don’t you go and find us somewhere nice and quiet to sit?” Esmee said to us handing over the pink buggy that contained a contentedly sleeping Mia under a white parasol to Emmet. “Maybe check Mi’s blood sugar as well.” Esmee added quietly to Emmet as we walked away to find a seat as far away from everyone as possible and settled for another group of black PVC sofas in the other corner of the room.

“Your daughter is beautiful.” I whispered gently to Emmet as I sat down on the sofa opposite to him and he pushed her sleeping body close to the side of my sofa so I could look at her better and once I started I could not drag my eyes away from her; every tiny detail was too amazing to miss by looking away.

“She amazes doesn’t she?” Emmet asked gently from over the other sofa but even though I tried I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the sleeping baby; In fact it took all my effort not to reach out and touch her smooth baby hair.

“All children amaze me, their purity, their innocents, and their perfection but it all goes away so quickly, it can be taken from you, or you just lose it and in the end you land up damaged in some way. I could never have children Emmet, I want them, hell I want them badly, but how the hell could I ever protect them when there are so many things to destroy them in the space of seconds.”

“Every mother thinks that way darling, and you can’t protect them from everything, they are going to fall over now and again or they are going to get sick, it is all a part of growing up.”

“But when does that growing up stop and turn into something ugly? I mean was I just growing up? Was I just learning about the future?” I asked gently almost hypnotized by Mia as I studied her little chest rising and falling with deep breathing and her top lip suck on her bottom one, one hand curling in and out of lose fists while the other one gripped around the ear of a well-loved pink bunny rabbit that reminded me of mister hop; apparently once upon a time according to Arabella I wouldn’t go anywhere without him.

“She is so little and so delicate any one could hurt her at any time and I’m not on about colds or stomach bugs or falling off of climbing frames. I am on about real people; people who would deliberately do something to her innocence.”

“Believe it or not Mi the world is not made up of bad people, many people like you and me would never hurt a child or anyone else.” Emmet said sighing getting up from his seat and coming over to sit next to me where he interlocked his fingers through mine.

“I still remember how it felt that first time; I remember the smells, the sounds, how it locked and how it felt, and the pain, oh how that pain hurt.” I moaned screwing my eyes shut and holding my stomach as the normal flash back zipped through my mind so quickly it make me feel sick.

“Mi, I am so sorry, if there was some way I could take all that away from you; you know I would.” Emmet said gently moving his body so close to me I could feel the heat coming off from his skin onto my body. “

“I am sorry, I know I shouldn’t talk about it, people don’t want to hear about things like that but it was 10 years ago today when I lost my virginity and I was just six years old Emmet , I have been dirty for a decade.