Chapter 170 : I wanted to be better

“Mi there is no pressure to be out with us today, if you really can’t handle this we understand and we will take you back to the unit. It’s your choice,” Emmet said firmly, resting one of his hands discreetly on top of mine. The answer was no and yes all at the same time. I did not want to be in the middle of the town I had walked around so many times as the naughty girl, the one who had her hand in her mother’s as she pulled around my crushed soul and explained away my bruises. Or the teenager who wondered dazed and battered trying to stop herself running to the nearest person and yelling “help my step farther has raped me twice already today and want to do it again.” I also did not want to be in a caged maze of pastel color walls and electronic alarms. I wanted to run away from everything and maybe fall off the center of the earth, somewhere the rain wouldn’t hurt.

 “Shall we get you back then we can try again another day? “  Esmee asked gently, placing her hand on the base of my spine making me involuntarily shiver. I craved her comforting touch all of the time yet when I received it I still got shocked by how much it could hurt. 

“Why doggy crying?” I heard Mia ask with almost exactly the same gentle concerned tone as her mother used in these situation. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry harder, it seemed so idiotic a toddler comforting an adult, like worlds could reverse before I brought them down completely.

 "Can we go outside for a little bit; just you and myself so I can get some air?”  I stuttered under my hands before holding onto my breath to keep myself quiet. I knew the pain wouldn’t stop when I was alone with Esmee but I had to believe that it would at least let me breath.

 “Sure we can.” Esmee said quietly before getting to her feet and helping me up to mine by holding onto my forearm before leading me out past the business men and out the café door into the sunlight.“Come and sit with me.” Esmee instructed gently leading me over to a bench that sat under the shade of a tree just opposite the café.

“Try and take some deep breaths and calm down,” she soothed gently rubbing the side of my arm in comfort; it seemed she ever had to do this for me and there was a bit of me that so wanted to be better for her, she was different from the other nurses I had none it for a while and I didn’t want to always be in tears when she was with me.  I wanted to smile and I didn’t want to panic around her or throw up; I wanted to walk tall and be something she could be proud of; I wasn’t sure why it mattered but in me somewhere it did. I wanted her to be proud of me. I wanted someone to see me properly. If I had any potential at all I wanted her to be a part of it.