Chapter 187 : My beautiful suicide in reality

“I will be back in a minute OK Mia.” Emmet shouted to his daughter over his shoulder as he took off at a run across the field towards Esmee and me, just before I flopped over again vomiting once more onto the floor.”

 “Ok honey, it’s all right, just try and stay nice and calm for me Ok” Esmee said gently as she still tried to stem the blood flowing from my abdomen with my already saturated jumper and her hands, making herself look almost as bloody as me.

 “What have you taken and how many.” Emmet asked firmly pressing three numbers into his phone and placing it to his ear. He wasn’t angry, but he was firm and with such an authority I couldn’t refuse to tell him,

“Paracetamol and ibuprofen,” I mumbled my head going fuzzy. “About 200 Paracetamol  and a  hundred ibuprofen,”  I mumbled again as my head began to spin and blackness descended on me making the ground come rising up to greet me as my heavy barely conscious body toppled forward like a rag dolls off of the park bench.

 “Ok… let’s get you lied down” Esmee said grabbing me just before I fell on my face, Swiftly pulling my body onto the floor before leaning over me pushing my limbs into the recovery position, I had no strength left in my limbs to either protest or help her with what she was doing and the sounds around me where becoming mere echoes; my vision a black and white blur. I closed my eyes and willed the blackness to take me so it could stop my pain that burned through every inch of my body. I deserved the pain, I had even wanted it but it hurt and every human being had the impulse to run away from the things that hurt. I was to get no comfort anyway. my stomach had other ideas and cramped up in another angry protest to the poison that seeped into my blood stream and again more vomit rushed up my through my throat so forcefully it caused me to choke, which caused me to vomit again in a vicious never ending cycle of agony. I deserved this/I wanted it to stop.

 “Spit it out darling.” Esmee said to me in a tearful tone as she opened my mouth and very gently put a bloody finger inside to help me get the vomit out of my mouth and onto the grass beside me to stop me chocking; I tried to smile to thank her, she went above and beyond every day and I paid her back with this.

 Somewhere in the distance I heard the echoing sirens speeding towards our destination and the haunting high pitched noise of a crying baby that hurt more than anything else as I guessed the crying child was Mia and she had been left alone while her parents took their time up caring for the already too far gone.

 “Mia,” I whispered painfully as I threw up a foul smelling bile that dribbled down the side of my face onto the prickly grass below me. “Help Mia, forget about me,” I chocked as some vomit blocked my wind pipe and prevented me from breathing making me retch loudly as my every muscle in my body went into a spasm that felt like someone was slowly cutting all of my limbs off.

 “She’s fitting,” Esmee announced like she was on the set of Greys anatomy, as I felt two hands restraining my hands to the floor and two more against my ankles which only made my back arch involuntarily and my stomach heave towards my mouth, coughing as chunks of bile spilled down over my chin. That was when I realized that this was the brutal reality to the romantic picture of suicide that was printed in photos and written in the love stories like Romeo and Juliet.  It wasn’t all that it was made out to be, in reality the end of a life was messy, debilitating and excruciatingly painful. It was with this in my head the black wave finally crashed over me; taking me away.