Chapter 169 : public restraint

It did not take long for my bubble to burst as I realized what I had done. It seemed so right at the time to pick up and comfort a baby in distress; there was nothing in the world more natural to me, in fact I think I had a worse time working out how to breathe and that was why I reacted like I did. For the moment in which I did it I had forgotten about all the people in the café around me, about the fact that I was in my eyes a danger to children because of my unnatural ability to cause catastrophe wherever I went and last but not least and probably the worst, the baby’s mother and farther were sat right by me and were now looking at me with slightly open mouths. She was not my child to comfort, she was nothing I deserved to have in my arms and no matter how much I wished, how much she changed things she was not a part of me, she was not the missing puzzle piece and even if she was there was no way I could try and fit her in to a jigsaw like mine.

 “I’m sorry,” I stuttered bundling Mia off of my lap and onto Emmet’s before stumbling to my feet and taking two steps back from the family that sat there; I was not part of them, nothing like them; they were the image of family perfection and I was ruined; flawed to the very core.

 “She’s going to bolt.” I heard Emmet hiss at Esmee under his breath so low he thought I couldn’t hear. It appeared however Esmee had already had the same thought as she was on her feet before Emmet even finished talking, her arm linked around mine with her hand bending my wrist back in on itself; another unit restraint that she had practiced and now carried out with ease. It mattered little to her that we were in the real world now that the girl next to me who could have only been a few years older, who in a different alternative world may have been my friend was looking over at us in astonishment. We might as well have been light-years apart.

 “Your restraining me Esmee,” I whimpered trying my best to fight the instinctual reaction I always had to try and get away from the person that was holding me still; it would only make her hold on tighter as she would think I was trying to run away, or worse still she would take me to the floor. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m not going to run away and I am sorry that I picked up Mia, I would never hurt her, I am sorry.” I whined trying to control the panic that was rising fast inside of me almost making me hyperventilate. I almost wished we were back in the unit at least there the absolute absurd reaction that was a restraint was considered normal.

   "Come and sit down next to me Mi and I will let you go OK, we are not going to hurt you and we are not angry but I can’t risk you running away from us when we are out.”  

 I nodded my agreement to Esmee’s conditions and let her lead me back to the sofas where we both sat down and as promised she released me from the restraint. Not sure what else to do, or how to react as every feeling took over like a whirl wind inside of me I put my head in my hands and burst into silent tears.