Chapter 49 : Loving Courage

After composing myself by washing off my face, trying to make it look like I hadn’t just had my head down the toilet I slipped out the door back into the hall. The grumble of the food trolley was once again audible in the hall way. My stomach turned uncomfortably as the odour of the hospital food reached my nostrils. For a second I thought I was actually going to be sick but the nausea passed with the knowledge I could refuse the food that was placed in front of me and there was nothing they could do about it. That control was still mine.

Courage was two doors down from Dream on the opposite of the corridor, the letters where in the same slanted lettering. I tapped the door three times. A little bit of me hoping that Bella had somehow disappeared and I could escape back to the limited safety of my room.

“Come on in Mi.” no such luck. I pushed the door open a crack and squeezed in through the gap. Walking into courage was like walking into a different dimension compared to the cold reality of the rest of Apple gate. The set up was the same as Dream (apart from it was a lavender colour) but posters covered all the available wall space. Little trinkets where scattered on the only shelf and an untidy pile of clothes where on the floor at the foot of the roughly made bed. The theme of the room was definitely the twilight saga apart from a small spot next to her bed that had various personal pictures of her friends and family stuck up unevenly with bits of blue tack. There was also music coming from the small MP3 docking station on her bed side table. I looked around in awe at the room. I loved it in here! That surprised even myself but it was a breath of fresh air from the cold NHS that hovered outside. I smiled to myself reaching out to touch the dog eared edge of a well-loved poster of Edward and his true love, Bella.

“Umm… Over here Mi.” Bella’s voice startled me and I jumped a little before looking over at her. She suppressed a giggle. I didn’t manage to but that was a good thing. I missed laughing, but it normally felt too hard these days but with Bella it came naturally. I had only known her a day and I was sure I could never ever forget her.

“You like twilight?” I asked knowing full well it was a stupid question.

“Umm, you think.” Bella said rolling her eyes. “A bit, I got to say that was a bit of a stupid question.”

“Your room is wicked Bella!” I said ignoring her friendly jibe. I turned around to examine the rest of the posters. It seemed Alice Cullen was her favourite with most of the pictures evolving around her. “I love it in here! How did you make it look so good?”

“Really? You really like it?” Bella looked shocked.

“Of course I do. You have seen my room right. It’s awful in there. So cold, you would never think we were the middle of a heat wave. As for the name, it should be called nightmare.”

“Give it time Mi. You have only been here a day. This takes time to get a room as jumbled as mine, five months of it to be precise.” Bella lent down over the side of her bed and fished something out from under it before getting up advancing towards me with it held out at arm’s length.

“ I’m not really meant to give you this what with your meal plan being different than mine of course, but any genius can see you need a few calories in there after what you just put your body through so drink this.” Bella said placing a little carton of orange juice in my hand. I rubbed my thumb over the plastic carton and shuddered before offering it back to her. I wanted it I really wanted it …

“95 calories Mi, thin people don’t drink orange juice, thin people…”

“I’m not thirsty, I just..” She cut me off

“I’m not thirsty, I just had something to drink, I ate before I came. I don’t like orange juice… blagh, blagh, blagh.” I looked at here with shocked eyes as she recited out all of the excuses I had planned while rolling her eyes at me. She took the cartoon back out of my hand and stabbed the top with the straw before handing it back to me with a small amused smile touching her lips.

“Anorexic Remember,” she said pointing at her chest. “You’re playing my game here, right newbie. I know every excuse in the book. Now you look awful. Probably because you blood sugar is low and your bodies in shock from having to be sick so many times when it didn’t want to be. Not to mention the fact that your electrolytes are probably so far up shits creak right now it isn‘t even funny.” I eyed the container suspiciously like it was about to attack or something. Maybe I could have half, 47 wasn’t bad or a quarter, 24.  Bella sighed.

“Look Mi, come over here.” Bella said taking my hand leading me over to the bed. We both sat down but she didn’t let go of my hand as she pulled some of the photos off of the walls. She held out one of the photos so I could see and I gasped a smile dance over Bella’s face.”

“Shocking hey,” She whispered.

Chapter 48 : Just look for courage

“Come on then,” Bella said still giggling a little. “Do you want to come back to courage?” I hesitated wondering if there was a better chance of me running away back to my room and hiding under the duvet cover with my book, but that didn’t seem likely. Could I really say no to her after she saved me from being red’ed as she put it?

“You won’t be able to hide away from it all forever you know, they are being kind to you, seeing how you tick, what winds you up, how to keep you calm, but it won’t last. Eventually they will make you mix with the rest of us. You will start groups and things and trust me they are about as interesting as watching paint dry.”

“Yeah, that…that would be great.” I stuttered, cutting Bella of mid-sentence. I didn’t want to go but I had to stop her talking at me. My future in this place was not something I wanted to hear about. I didn’t want to know how they were analysing me, treating me like their lab-rat. I didn’t want a future.

“Cool that will be fantastic.” Bella beamed jumping once on the spot, three calories from her monster breakfast gone. I could see in her eyes that she had to physically stop herself doing more.

  “I better leave first. The two ED’s leaving the bathroom together.” Bella giggled chasing the desire to keep on exercising away; obviously putting together a mental image in her head of what the staff would say if the caught us.

 “They will think we are on a purging pact or something,” She confirmed.

“Bella, I’m not…”

“Yeah, yeah.” Bella’s said rolling her eyes much like crystal would. “You haven’t got an ED.” At this she turned away from me and did a strange little skip to the door – twenty calories, maybe thirty, gone. “I’m on the same floor as you, just look for courage.” Bella turned and walked out of the door closing it behind her.

I stopped for a minute and looked around the bathroom stopping my gaze on the mirror. I instinctively looked without really meaning to and there I was, still the same, still there. I sighed at my blood shot eyes and red blotchy face before punching the mirror hard with my good hand, the anger building in my chest, the tears brimming behind my eyes.

“Just look for courage,” I hissed the words to myself, “The courage to do what?”

Chapter 47 : A friend like Bella

Before I even had time to gather my thoughts the bathroom door was opening up. Of course the locks would work from both sides. What the hell was I thinking? I tried to heave my body up to a standing position but my legs just kept giving away under my own weight. I had gone too far. I always went too far.

I looked at the door panic stricken as it seemed to open in slow motion, like something out of a horror movie. Having horse face see me like this was a terrifying thought. She had been so angry with me in the clinic room when I would not drink the damn Ensure and told me there would be consequences. What the hell would she do to me now? Lock me in the ECA and throw away the key? No, I was not looking forward to seeing her here, or even worse, what if it was Crystal (who was also on shift) that caught me? I shuddered at the thought but there was nothing I could do now, so I closed my eyes and waited for the low beeping alarm to be sounded and the grasping arms to be restrained around my chest again.

“Mi, what the hell are you doing?” Bella hissed. I opened my eyes in surprise to see the tiny Bella rushing over to me crouching by the toilet. She put her hand on my clammy back. “You were really going for it in here Mi,” She said peering at the contents of the toilet. She did not even wince at the sight that looked back up at her. “If the staff find out you will be red’ed for sure, you’re throwing up blood, really not a good sign for your average bulimic.” I groaned as she muttered my worst fears.

“Well come on then!” She said urgently tugging on my top, “Let’s get it cleaned up in here before they notice your missing, or worse they notice I‘m missing and find us both in here! I tell you I‘m not going back on red observations again, Ever. It’s bad enough that Esmee decided that she wanted me on green ten minutes.” I looked at her shocked; she was going to help me?
“I take it you don’t want them to find out, because if you do I will just go and grab one and they can clean you up.”

“No.” I managed to prise out my throat much to its protest. I still couldn’t believe she wasn’t running to tell them. In fact she seemed strangely undeterred by the state she found me in even more so considering the first time I saw she ran out of the room practically screaming.

 “Aren’t you freaked out?” I asked.

“Oh please.” Bella scoffed before holding out her hand to help me up. I took it and she heaved me to my unsteady feet. She was a lot stronger then she looked for someone so tiny.

 Bella got to work quickly pulling paper towels from the dispenser and wetting them. She then set about cleaning the bloody vomit off the edge of the toilet seat and the floor next to it. I watched her in a strange numbness unable to move from my routed position on the floor. Why the hell was she helping me this way? Why would anyone want to help me when it would have been easier to walk away?

After a few minutes of furious scrubbing and cursing Bella flushed the toilet that was now looking spotless and turned her attention to me. She threw another paper towel at me smiling slightly. Her smile was contagious and before I knew it I smiled to. This for some reason made her start to giggle.

“Here, wipe your mouth off you look like something from twilight.” Bella laughed. Confused I turned my self around and looked in the mirror and saw what she meant. My lips teeth and some of my chin where covered in sticky blood and a thick clear drool. nice

“Oh god, I’m sorry that’s vile.” I said viciously wiping my face off with the paper towel. Bella just giggled at me, leaning against the wall next to the shower like what she was doing was the most normal thing in the world.

“I don’t know Mi I think you would make a lovely vampire. At least we wouldn‘t have to eat. ”

“Just slaughter the City when we got a tad thirsty,” I smiled. At this we both burst into fits of giggles. It was good to have a friend like Bella.

Chapter 46 : The knocking at the door

I retreated out from the clinic room and back up the flight of stairs into the bathroom as fast as my feet could carry me. I did not need to make myself sick as the strange sense of hunger that I had denied to feed was floating in my stomach still but this was a habit that I just could not kick. I turned the bath taps on and felt myself suddenly calmer by the sound of the comforting rushing water. The steam refreshed my face and after a few seconds of calm breathing I took my position by the toilet and bent over willing myself to be sick.

 It had been a long time since I had to put my figures down the back of my throat to start the retching, but since I had not had anything to eat I decided I should give myself a bit of a head start and inserted my fingers into my throat hanging them just over my gag reflex.

It took a while to get the retching started and for a while I wished I had took the long way around and got my puking toothbrush or my bead in a string from to make the job easier. However when the retching did start it started badly, pulling every muscle in my fragile body. My stomach protested with splitting pain and so did my chest. My eyes watered uncontrollably half from the horrendous pulling and half threw the tears I couldn’t stop and then I was sick. Sick until all I could see in the toilet was bright red. My whole body ached to stop but my frenzied mind pushed me onwards. I had no idea what I was gaining by this but I had to be gaining something or surly I would be able to stop, but something in me refused to.

I pushed my fingers back down my angry sore throat again until brilliant red splattered up the side of the toilet bowl. I heaved again and more red joined it resting on top of the bile that had been forced to rise in the absence of any food.  My world started to spin then so I gripped on to the edge of the toilet for dear life leaving bloody finger marks on the side. I put my head down on the cool porcelain rim of the bowl and tried to steady my breathing, but now my chest protested angrily at every breath, my heart flopping and thudding off beat somewhere through my chest. For a few moments I thought I was going to die, but my frantic heart soon calmed down. Then come the frantic knocking on the door.

Chapter 45 : Refusal gives controle

 
I sat with my teeth clenched closed on the doctors bench. Horse face was getting angry and bored as we had been in the stuffy little clinic room for coming up two hours. She had tried everything in the book to get me to swallow the chocolate flavoured gunk they called Ensure. Libby was no Emmet though and Sophie beat down every argument she had, though saying that I’m not even sure Emmet could have beaten her today.

“Mi if you don’t drink this I will have to put it down as a refusal.”

“Don’t give up Mia, keep at it now. What does it matter if they put it down on your charts, at least you won’t get any fatter, remember what you looked like. They’re just trying to take you control away but they can’t stop you Mia you’re doing well.”

“Don’t care.” I mumbled shifting myself uneasily on the bench, trying to look anywhere other than the cup of glue that sat in front of me on the table. It would have been easy to reach forwards and down it all in one go. I was hungry and that would make it go away but I couldn’t. I was strong and shiny and new inside. I was going to be perfect.

“Fine, the consequences will be yours alone.” Libby snapped picking up the two plastic cups of ensure and pouring them down the sink. “You can go if you want.” Libby was angry with me but in a way I didn’t care, it felt like I was taking back control. There was one thing Apple gate could not take away from me. They could not make me eat, or so I thought.

Chapter 44 : Mia in the looking glass

I stared into the alien reflection in the long mirror. It wasn’t proper glass of course, that would be too dangerous but in its own way this was as dangerous as well. This could make me physically sick, this could send me into a panic, and this here alone could put me into a suicidal frenzy.

I slipped my top up and traced my fingers over the curves that I hated so much wishing that I could cut them off and make them smooth and beautiful. I wanted to become anything other than what I was.

“Your stomachs to fat suck it in.” Sophie ordered, and of course I obeyed her immediately, yet still the fat rolls remained, sickening, disgusting, revolting, moving as a yellow bubbling lump that floated under the skin.

 “Now you see what you did when you ate? Now you see how disgusting you are. You have to be stronger Mia.  You are weak and weakness is why you are so fat.“ Sophie’s voice was silky smooth, a lover’s cool voice in my ear, the tickling of her breath on my cheek. How could I have ignored such strong words, such good advice when the blubber still stuck to my bones?

“Now you see why you must not eat. I will make you perfect Mia, I will make you happy,” Sophie bragged in her finest seductive tone, a glint of her perfect Ebony hair sweeping over mine in the mirror.

 I traced the outline of my hips with my fingertips pinching the love handles that only I could see, I winced at how the fat looked squeezed in my fingertips, how the bubbles felt pressed together.
“Disgusting, So disgusting." I winced prodding at the flesh.

“Yes isn’t it.” Sophie cooed again. I swore I could almost see the whole of her in the corners of the mirror now, her perfect Barbie doll body dancing silkily around my lumpy carcass.

“Don’t you wish you looked like me?” Sophie cooed in my ear and I nodded pressing back the tears my hideous body caused me as I tried to pull my stomach in again but it refused to get any flatter.

 “Then you have to do exactly what I say and I will make it happen Mia. I will make you thin, and you know thin is perfect. Now for a start no breakfast, no food taste as good as thin feels, so no breakfast.”

 I nodded. Determined

Chapter 43 : Siren call

 As the light behind my curtain become more intense, so did the ridicules summer heat. The thick air pressed down on my chest making it impossible to move even if I wanted to. Still curled up in my ball I continued to stare at the carpet next to my bed, too tired to move, my brain still far to alert to sleep. I remained stuck in the nothingness that had surrounded me all night and it didn’t feel all that nice.

 The tears stung my eyes again as my mind wondered to everything I didn’t want to remember. Everything in my life, every tear and every smile had done nothing but to lead me to this place in this room. I stifled the pain full sob in my pillow.

 I closed my eyes again as another member of staff from the early shift opened my door. Faking sleep was better than the introductions. It felt like they all wanted a piece of the newest crazy person.

 “Morning Mi Mi, Time to get your sleepy head out of bed!” My eyes darted open at the sound of another nickname. what the hell was wrong with Mi? I grimaced as she waltzed past me and pulled the curtains apart allowing the full force of the sunlight and heat in. My whole body recoiled in rejection of this but the new woman just laughed, throwing her head back like a horse.

 “Your Mi, I’m Libby.”  Libby’s face was in a toothy grin. In fact her teeth looked too big for her face. She indeed had a horse like quality about her. I stifled a laugh under a cough and mumbled something about hay fever under my breath.

 “Your new here” what was it with her stating the obvious. “It’ s Saturday, which means there are no groups today so people will get up when they want, I have been told that you on the other hand are on the buildup menu which means breakfast with me.” Libby stuck out her chest proudly and pointed to herself. By this time I was wondering if I could rip her throat out with my bare teeth before she had time to reach her alarm. The odds weren’t’t good so I just sighed and pulled my heavy sleep depraved body off of my bed, trying not to stumble as the black dots exploded over my vision.

 “Oh, that was easy.” She said surprised for a second “Good job, the bathroom is just down the corridor the first one on your left after love. You might want to go and  get washed up, you still got about ten minutes yet.” I was confused for a minute but decided she must be referring to a bed room so I grabbed my toiletry bag that Annie packed for me and set off for the bathroom.

 The bathroom was reasonably large with all you would expect to find in there if not a little more safer for your suicide intent teenager. No hoses for the shower, no toilet clearer by the loo, no bleach, no sharp edges. To someone like me in fact it was very disappointing. Of course there was something that caught my attention though. It called to me like the sweetest melody. The most stunning sent. The stunning figure in a crowd and I couldn’t resist it long before as so many times before it took me. It was he full length mirror, a soft shimmer in the sunlight.  

Chapter 42 : The futures not bright (Sorry to burst your bubble orange)

Emmet stayed with me for the rest of the night until my blood sugar came up to five.thee and the night staff wondered through the door then into their positions on the unit. The night staff where almost like ghosts, fluttering in and out of my room without a sound, Eyeing over my body to make sure I was still breathing before dissolving back into the hall way again. The original uneasiness this had caused me was beginning to get less, a few hours in and I was getting used to being checked on. My life seemed to be spinning out of my control irreversibly and I had lost all fight to do anything about it.

“Right! Bed time you lot! Bugger off the lot of you!” I heard the booming voice of Audrey bark from down the corridor in the living room. I had spent ten minutes in there after Emmet had left with a wink and a wave saying he would be back for the late shift tomorrow before the over whelming stares of staff and clients alike got too much and I bolted to the relative safety of dream much to the annoyance of Audrey, Beth George Ava and Dan who had to get off the arses every 10 minutes to check on me.

 
I had been faking sleep for what must have been about twenty minutes curled up on my side in the bed fully clothed on top of the duvet. I breathed slow and steady trying to calm my fears but not managing to conceal the tears that leaked out of my eyes making the pillow damp. I tried to make people believe that I was strong and untouchable but at night and when I was alone I cried. Six long years of my own tears soothing me to sleep, I honestly could not remember the last time I was happy.

There was a ruckus in the hall way, the opening and closing of doors and people yelling good night to each other, it was becoming obvious that some people didn’t find this place as awful as I did, I had no idea how. I dreaded that one day I would find this place normal too. That I would make friends and start acting like it was OK that I was stuck here.

My door opened a bit more than the crack it already was and a motionless figure in the shape of Beth stood there for a minute looking at my supposedly sleeping form before sighing a little and turning away. That kind of summed up where my life was to.  A long drawn out sigh, and that was how the rest of the night went. Nothing exciting happened. There were no ghosts or vampires in the walls. Just the silence.

 After many more checks and many more uncomfortable silent sobs into my pillow I noticed the crack of sunlight creeping through the curtains just above my head, casting a strange glow across my pillow and signalling the braking dawn. I had somehow survived my first night but the outlook was bleak for the next.

Chapter 41 : Telling Emmet

Emmet was the one to get me the orange juice in the form of a carton before leading me back to the now deserted dining room. He scraped a chair back over the dining room lino and pushed my body down into it placing my carton of orange juice in front of me before going over to the opposite side of the table.

“Drink up.” He said smiling at me. I picked up the carton and sucked in at the clear straw allowing the tiniest amount of the sticky substance to cover my tongue. The bitter substance burnt the back of my mouth and for a moment I thought I would throw up again before I chased the nausea away with a few deep breaths.

“So then you don’t like Mi moo,” Emmet said. I chocked on my orange juice, spitting it out onto the table. “Defiantly not,” he added grabbing some kitchen roll on the side and soaking up the mess from the table. I twisted my numb fingers of my plastered hand while biting my bottom lip, anything to keep my mind off of my sister. She did not belong in this world.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I looked around the dining room trying to ignore his question, I did want to talk but the words wouldn’t form in my mouth and he wouldn’t understand anyway. There were no words invented to describe exactly what Arabella meant to me

“You don’t have to Mi, it’s just an offer.”

“I can’t”

“Ok I understand, Just because I’m here Mi, it doesn’t mean you have to talk to me, I just need to see you drink that orange juice then I can be going if you want me to. You’ll just be on the 10 minutes again.”

I nodded continuing my observation of the Dining room. It was a dingy looking place with two windows that of course didn’t open. There was stone effect lino on the floor and of course the giant wood effect table that sat over 20 people. I looked at my place and shuddered, how the hell was I going to get through another meal. The familiar sensation of panic flutter in my stomach like a thousand butterflies but I managed to push the feeling deep down. I could be dead before the morning and breakfast. If I prayed real heard.

“Drink up Mi.” Emmet said pushing the carton towards me. I picked it up in my hand and shock it slightly taking another tiny sip before returning to my observation of the room.

 Over the other side of the room from the table were two big storage units with various bits and pieces on them including random abandoned books, paper and colouring pens along with other crafty materials half of which looked like they wouldn’t work. There were also the same old board games that would be found on any shelf in any family home including Scrabble, pictonery and no less than three different versions of monopoly. A small smile found the corners of my lips. Arabella had bought a Spongebob one for us to play. I was always Gary the snail.

I sipped again at the orange juice before looking back at Emmet, he was obviously more comfortable with the silence than I was as he was now glancing into the teen magazine Bliss that one of the patients must have left behind. He looked ridicules.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled hardly audible. I wasn’t sure where the words come from or who I was apologising too but Emmet put down his magazine and looked at me, the page open and 101 ways to seduce the man of your dreams.

 “What for, honey?”

“fainting,” I mumbled again. Emmet laughed but more gently then he had done when I made the joke about dating tomatoes.

“Not even you can control that Mi.”

“No one has called me Mi moo for a while.” I whispered remembering how the name used to sound when she said it. The way her lips moved when she said it.  I used to like Mi moo back then but only Arabella was allowed to use it. It was her name.
“I’m sorry Mi, I didn’t realise. I will write it on your notes and make sure I never say it again.”

“It’s not your fault Emmet, I’m just stupid. I buried that name away and everything that went with it for so long, it caught me by surprise. No one calls me Mi moo.” I shuddered “Not even I can say it.”

 “Why’s it hard for you? I can tell it is really horrible to hear it.”

“If you called me that a while ago you would have probably just got a stern look. Now it’s totally different. You see that day I got this,” I said pointing to the long scar down my face, “I lost something, that I will never get over.” I pushed the tears back down with my fear and looked away from Emmet. I was going to tell him maybe he could understand.  At that Crystal flung the door open, shot me a piercing glare and then turned her attention to Emmet. Welcoming Crystal Spears, moment killer.

“We’re short staffed!” Crystal snapped

“I’m just finishing with Mi, she’s only on amber for another few minutes and then I will be free to do whatever.” Emmet kept his tone friendly but there was slight irritation to his face, his jade eyes narrowing

“Mi’s been ambered until she eats something and gets her blood sugar up to something reasonable.”  Crystal shot another piercing gaze at me rolling her eyes again as I winced at the sound of me having to eat yet more food.

 “I’m on the phone to the agency but we got no one to do her obs for now. Can you do another hour with her or you’re going to have to ECA her,” Crystal shouted flicking her over styled and badly dyed ginger hair over her shoulder.

“I’ll stay” Emmet said again the irritation a little more prominent. She does not need ECA.” He almost did growl.

“Whatever. Make sure she eats something and do her blood sugar again in about an hour, you can green her when it’s up.” With that she turned upon her heal and stormed out the door, inappropriate shoes snapping against the lino. Emmet turned his attention back to me unscathed by the interruption.

“You were saying?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Chapter 40 : ice queen

 
A black wave of numbness took over my body by force. Every feeling was taken over by nothingness. I had never thought I would hear that name given to me again. Mi moo died with Arabella. I barely breathed; I was so still. Nothingness was a feeling I carried off well. Unfortunately nothingness was something that freaked out the people around me

“Mi, open your eyes Mi.” Something tickling the side of my face was the first feeling through my numb dreaming. With it come the hole again, the aching void in my stomach. I missed the numbness but no matter how I tried to hold on to it the black was fading away from me. The tickling on my check was also becoming more intrusive.
“Come on Mi, back with us now.” My eyelids fluttered open to a crowd of faces. For some reason I was lying on my back on the doctors bench, a blood pressure monitor on my arm and a strange clip on my index finger and an irritating mask suctioned to my face. My brain slowly found its way back to reality.

Oh dear god I passed out.

  I shot my body up to an upright position my head still swimming a little bit but I managed to focus on the only friendly face I knew out the lot of them. Emmet was standing in the background for the first time looking a little bit anxious, His hand twirling around each other.

“Sharp prick Mia.” Crystal picked up my un-plastered hand and put a small device to one of my fingers and pressed a button. I winced; Crystal rolled her eyes and dropped my hand back to my side. Staring at the monitor until it beeped.

“1.7, low,” Crystal snapped, this time and the one time before I had met crystal she had been blunt and off to me I was not sure what I had done but something seemed to deeply offended her about me.

“Get her some orange juice or there is some sugar jelly stuff in the cabinet over there.” Crystal said to the other woman that was in there. Her shrill voice or the threat of even more calories braking though the remaining cobwebs from my sleep.

“Can’t I just have some water or something?” I asked in a small voice not daring to look directly into crystals eyes but more at the extraordinary amount of earrings she had in just one ear, however that didn’t stop me seeing her dramatically roll her eyes again.

“There’s no sugar in water Mia.” I winced at my full name but once again she just rolled her eyes at me. I hated Crystal.

“Orange juice then.” she said impatiently clapping her hands at the woman who had obviously not moved fast enough for the ice queens liking. I had never wanted to growl at another human being as much as I wanted to then.

Chapter 39 : Arabella's discovery

I watched the blood slowly trickle, a line of red down my arm,   a pure line of crimson tears. The cut wasn’t deep but still it was bleeding more than I had experienced before and even though I was scared I liked what I saw. I liked the euphoria that fluttered through my veins and I needed more. I took my blade and made another cut beside of the one that was already there, and then another one. A sort of frenzy setting in frosting over my numb brain where all else was covered accept from my lust to see more and more of my blood.

 Every cut caused more and more brilliant beads of thick red liquid to form and then slowly topple down my arm making its own disturbed trail. Sometimes they would crash into each other and form a huger droplet before it rolled so fast it dropped delicately onto the white sheet in front of me causing a little ripple. Every cut brought another wave of sick satisfaction. Every bead of blood almost made my stomach flip over in ecstasy, like I had been connected to some miracle drug through an IV. As long as I was cutting, everything in my life was Ok. As long as I was breaking into my skin with the harsh metal I could survive everything. The badness was leaving, setting me free. I was light and pretty and pure I was no longer stupid Mia that everyone hated, but perfection.

“Mi-moo.” I head Arabella gasp from the side of my room but I still couldn’t look away from my bleeding arm. At that moment my bleeding was more important then everything, even Arabella.

 “Mi-moo, stop it.” Arabella shouted as she  raced over to my side and pressed her hands down on to my bleeding wounds pulling the already covered sheet from the side of my bed up to wrap around my arm.

“Oh mi,” Her voice said again cracking in pain before she put her arms around my neck and pulled me into her chest. She rocked me from side to side kissing the top of my head as she did. I felt the tears burning at the back of my eyes as she soothed me. Cutting was perfect while I was cutting, after it left me broken however before I cut that bit never mattered.

“Mi, I never knew.” Arabella said again planting another kiss on the top of my head. “I’m sorry, so sorry.” I had no idea why she was apologizing, but she went on any way muttering the same thing over and over again.

Suddenly she released me from her chest and cupped her hands around my tear streaked cheeks. Pain registered intently upon her face. Stroking my cheek softly with her thumb she reached over and kissed me delicately on my forehead.

“I’m sorry” was all I could whisper at the agony I could see behind her chocolate brown eyes. At this she took my freshly cut arm and kissed every one of the new angry cuts, marking her lips red with my bad blood while muttering under her breath all the time -
“I love you, and I will make it better Mi moo.”

Chapter 38 : Amber anger

Mi

“So then,” Emmet said his face turning to happy after a few more moments of trying to stare the answers out of me “Where are we off to now?” I was confused by the question. Hiding seemed like the best option, somewhere I could be small. Somewhere I could be insignificant and most defiantly somewhere I could be alone however we suggested that he wanted to be a part of my next actions. We was never a good word.

“The others are probably in the lounge watching the soaps on the TV, Of course some might be in their rooms reading or chilling out. There are some board games and crafty things downstairs we could have a crack at if you like that kind of things. I of course don’t mind either way.”

“What … I mean… What do you mean we?” I asked confused. “I want to be alone.”   

“Mi you’re going to hate me by the time the night shift comes on this evening.” Emmet sighed, his voice was defeated. He honestly hated being the bad guy. Though I still couldn’t see what could get worse about today, then my stomach dropped. Today here in the unit I had learnt one thing if nothing else. It could always get worse. Even when you were at rock bottom there was always someone to poo on you.

“Mi you are on Red obs for an hour. It’s a constant observation and we do it will all out build up menu clients from the time they have stopped eating. We realise meal times can be heard for you and we want to provide the extra support that might be needed.  A member of staff will have to be with you at all times for the next hour they can see you, and seems I’m on your obs that person is me. I essentially have to be wherever you are.”

 My soul shattered into smaller pieces then it was already in. I was almost sure I would never be whole again. That the gaping voids that throbbed for ever inside of me would be there until I killed it, and ended it permanently. A soothing thought that numbed the agony for a few seconds, next time I wouldn’t fail.

Then the anger came. The tornado that ripped through the shattered pieces and scattered them and right then it was all Emmet’s fault. He was the closest person to blame.

“Oh come on!” I snapped. The words clawing up my throat and out of my mouth before I had time to stop them.
“I mean what the hell do you think I’m going to do!” I said shooting a piercing glance at Emmet. acid burned the back of my mouth while a red mist gathered in front of my eyes. If it wasn’t for this stupid man I would have been OK. Emmet was the problem. It didn’t matter if so far he had only been kind and loyal to me and inhumanly patient. It was his entire fault. I hated my self
 “It’s not like I can do anything to myself! I was searched on arrival remember! I mean come on she took the belt off of my dressing gown!” I roared my hands shaking.

 Emmet’s face seemed shocked and his thumb edged towards his alarmed wrist, although he did not press it. Maybe she should have. Maybe that’s what I deserved.

 “What else could happen? I mean wouldn’t it be just awful if I got a horrible disfiguring scar! Oh I forgot I already have one of those anyway. I am ugly, I am fat! Which you’re all intent on making me fucking fatter! I have no use of one of my arms and, and.” I caught my breath because the room had started to whirl around me a little bit my, chest tightening. Then the truth came out –

 “I fucking hate myself. So I try to kill myself and I can’t even do that right, then to top it all I end up here!” My head swirled around me uncomfortably and I clenched hold of the doctor’s bench to steady myself. I could hear the drumming of my heart in my head and my fast unsteady breaths that caught somewhere deep in my lungs.

“Oh Mi moo I wish I could make you feel better.”

I froze. Everything suddenly still.

Chapter 37 : The most absolute box.

The most absolute box.

I took one more deep breath before I swiped my card key into the door of the ECA making it click open with a buzz.  Bella was sat in one of the far corners. Her legs brought up to her chest with her face hid into her knees while using her hands to propel her backwards and forwards in a fast rocking movement.  I could tick the first part of my assessment already if I had wanted to; actively distressed.

“Bella, I’m sorry that happened Honey.” I said going over to her, crouching down next to her rocking ball.

“I know this won’t be of much comfort to you, but I did tell her off and sent her out the dining room. I won’t tolerate bullying honey.”

 Bella sat silently the only response being the increase in her rocking. Was I making her more distressed? If so I could leave her and come back later to do the assessment.  She was safe in the ECA.

 “Do you want me to come back in a bit and check on you? I don’t mind if you want some space.”

 “I’m sorry Esmee; I think I’ve wet myself.” Bella said as quietly as she could her rocking picking up as she spoke until she was in danger of doing a forward roll into one of the walls.

“I’m really sorry,” she sniffed, tears taking her.

 “That’s all right honey. There’s no reason to be upset over that. It’s nothing a bath and a clean pair of pyjamas won’t solve is it?”

 “I’m fifteen years old.” Bella moaned, her posture deflating into herself.

“What does that have to do with anything? I’m thirty years old."

“And when was the last time you wet yourself?” Bella hissed her anger and pain crashing somewhere in the middle to form a low pitched sob as her body slumped more sown the side of the wall and into the ground like she was melting into the cracks of the floor boards.

 “About two months ago, and guess what I wasn’t even very distressed. I just got caught out in the park with my daughter when the toilets were closed and I couldn’t make it home in time.”

“Stop trying to make me feel better.”

“I’m not. I swear on my daughter’s life it happened.” I laughed, reaching out and brushing the hair out off of the side of her face before tucking it behind her ear. “You’re Human Bella; we all are.”

 “Well I give up. I’m tired. I’m so damn tired and I don’t want to do it anymore. Being human isn’t working for me so I’m leaving for something better.” Bella said stubbornly and my smiles and laughter faded away. I knew what question I had to ask next but I also knew in that statement she had already answered it.

“Are you telling me you’re suicidal Bella?”

 She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have too.  The assessment was over. She had just ticked the most absolute box. Bella wasn’t safe.

Chapter 36 : HNA

Esmee

Dinner dissolved. Surprisingly enough no one was left with any apatite after what had happened and after a few half hearted attempts to get people to eat, I let them go, supervised as plates were scraped and put into the dishwasher then escaped to the office. Suddenly the promise of paperwork seemed like a welcome break.

“I bet you were hoping for a break?” Jean smiled as I let my self into the office with the key card that was on my belt loop and took a deep breath in; filling my lungs. The air was cool and clean from the fully opening window and electric fan which was beyond nice after being squashed into the sealed walls of the main unit. It was ridiculously hot for early May with no sign of relief according to the weather forecast. Which made the hospital and it’s hardly opening windows a nightmare. We had applied for air conditioning to ease the problem but of course, like always, there was never enough money in the budget.

“I have a huge amount of paperwork waiting for me on my desk.” I said pointing over to the overcrowded desk were I had stacked all the paper precariously on the edges however now the paperwork had gone.

“No you don’t,” Jean said banging my files against the desk and smiling. “All done and up to date.”

“What do you want?” I asked, my eyes narrowing in at her in playful suspicion. I actually liked Jean a lot which made the banter between us so much more fun.

“A HNA, (Head nurse assessment)” Jean sighed and my eyes popped open again. HNA’s were rarely good. In fact it just meant I don’t want the crap from this one to come down on my head so I will get a higher up to come up with the plan of action.

“Who for?” I asked trying not to sound irritated. After all it was Jean that had asked for one and she never abused the system. HNA’s were a part of my job description after all.

“I will give you a guess.”
 
“Bella. Ok, where is she?” I groaned, turning back towards the door.

“ECA 1”

“Fantastic.”

Chapter 35 : Sophie’s my friend… What, did I forget to mention I was crazy?

“Everybody hates you Mia, everyone. He’s paid to like you and everyone else. You mean no more to him then his television or laptop. No one could ever like you Mia. Don’t be so stupid. You’re a bad person. Who would ever want to be with you? So fat and stupid."

I didn’t know whether to shout or cry harder as the voice in my head who had introduced her self to me as Sophie a good few years ago refused to leave me alone. Sophie was powerful and perfect. She was smooth and slim. The right height and the right hair. She floated with grace through the life I stumbled through and she told me that she loved me. She said she was my friend and maybe foolishly I believed her, however I couldn’t see anyone else lining up to spend their time with me. Of course then there was Emmet. Emmet seemed a little different. So naturally, Sophie hated him.

“There’s only me Mia. I am the only one that understands you. You don’t need him. They don’t care about you. I’m just trying to make you thin and pretty. I’m just trying to make it better for you honey. I have always looked after you before haven’t I?”

I buried my head into my hands and pressed my hands over my ears, not that it would help. I didn’t really hear her with my ears. It was worse then that. She was actually inside my head delivering her messages right into the place were it would hurt the most.

“Is there anything that I can do to help you Mi?” Emmet asked gently scooting his body up slightly closer to mine. I shook my head. Hearing voices was not something you just admitted to. They already saw me as crazy. They didn’t need any fuel for their fire, not if I wanted to get out of there at any point in my life

Chapter 34 : The end. Happily ever after… Yeah right Cinderella.

The Ensure sat in my stomach like a led balloon. A liquid meal to fatten me up. Soon I would be big enough to take to market .

“Mia! What the hell are you doing. Why the hell did you drink that. Your going to get even fatter! Make your self sick!” The voice in my head demanded and obediently the retching started again. I tried hard to resist but I was so used to obeying the voice in my head without question I just couldn’t stop.
I asked Emmet if I could leave realising I couldn’t be much more of a pain if I tried, also it was less mortifying to puke my guts up when I was alone.

“Why would you want to do that? You fed up with me M?.” Emmet joked.

“Your bad Mia, you’re a bad person but I can make you better. Your bad because your eating. You know you don’t deserve food, but you can make it go away. Just throw it up, who cares what he thinks of you? Who cares what anyone thinks? Thin is purity. Thin will make the pain go away. I can help Mia, just trust me.”

Vomit spun up my throat again and Emmet reacted fast, grabbing another dish from the side and holding it just under my chin to receive some of the brown glue that had just gone down. Badness flowing out a bottomless source.

”I’m sorry,” I mumbled
“why are you sorry Mia?”
"That’s all right honey, I knew this was going to be tricky the first day, but it can get better.”
“He just wants you fat, No one really loves you, He thinks that your sick but he’s wrong.
“It’s not OK. It’s disgusting for a start, you shouldn’t have to deal with this.”
“bad/bad/bad/bad"
“No of course I shouldn’t, it’s not like I’m a nurse or anything.” Emmet said his voice a friendly jibe, his face pulled into a crocked smile. “ Vomit is just one bodily function I have become best friends with over the years my love. At lest you’re a good aim. You’re a good person Mia, you find things hard but you're friendly and kind.”
*laughter, hysterical laughter*

  My tears fell before I could stop them. The voice always seemed so mean. I had wanted to thank him and return his smile and then maybe we could have walked slow motion into a sunset with happy music playing in the background. Fairytales ended that way, however my story was no fairytale.

Chapter 33 : (Ensure)ing i get what i need

Mi

Emmet had taken me out of the dinning room and further down the corridor until he stopped outside a door with the word “clinic” Written on it in black bold letters. Emmet still had hold of my hand as he swiped his card key and tapped in a code to open the door. For obvious reasons this room had added security.

“Come on in sweet-pee,” he said gently leading me into the clinic. “Have a seat up there for me.” He pointed to the Doctors bench and I perched on the end not having the nerve to even look at Emmet’s face. I had no idea where his patients come from.

The room looked like any normal hospital room. A complete change to the rest of the decor I had so far experienced in apple gate. The room was white with a sink and shiny white cabinets. There was also a desk a tall white fridge that grumbled almost soothingly and then there was the doctors bench (Trolley) I was sat on.

“There you go.” Emmet said handing me a kidney shaped cardboard dish from a mountain of them pilled on one of the counters before going over and opening the window. It opened fully which was a surprise as all the others I had been near inside this strange place didn’t. The breeze was welcome against my hot face and the fresh air helped clear out the clinical smell too, easing the knot inside of me.

“Try and calm your self down Mi, You did well at dinner now you just have to keep the food down.” Emmet said gently, but my body in it’s normal act of defiance retched again and with a click in the back of my throat vomit pooled out into the bowl, rejecting the foods that had altered it’s perfect state of clean.

Emmet like doctor Jordan had in hospital pulled my hair out of the dish. I was sick once again as Emmet continued to rub my back gently like he was trying to comfort a toddler with a stomach bug, not a drama queen with an aversion to food.

“Thin is amazing, thin Is a higher state, no one can hurt you when your thin, thin is untouchable.”
“You done?” He asked after a while and I nodded. Emmet took the dish away from me in now gloved hands and gave me a tissue. I wiped my mouth and my streaming eyes, but although I was in pain and my eyes streamed A wave of calm had come to settle upon me. I was empty, Just the way I liked it. The voice in my head had been calmed and now she whispered into my ear that I was now Ok. A small smile stretched across my face. I had got through another meal with not one single calorie making me fat. My games where still working. Or so I thought.

“What do you like Mi? strawberry, chocolate, Asparagus?” Emmet’s face grimaced at the thought of the last one. I just looked confused not sure what he was on about. I shrugged, I hated them all equally. I would rather have starved.

“I heard the chocolate is the best.” He said more to himself then to me before going to the purring fridge in the corner of the room and took out two cans of something. He went about measuring out the liquid In a measuring container. When he got the measurements exactly right he poured the mixture of what looked like brown glop into two plastic cups. I stared not sure what he was doing until he put them both onto the counter next to me and the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was going to have to drink this stuff.

“Your going to have to drink that for me Mi.” Emmet confirmed sympathetically.

“What is it? I asked

“It’s called Ensure. It’s a calorie boosting drink. Because your on the build up menu whatever you don’t eat calorie wise has to be made up for with this.”

I swallowed hard, the war in my head starting again.

Chapter 32 : Sometimes it’s hard not to be biased

Esmee

There was never a dull moment when faced with new admissions and Mia Dorado’s was no exception. We had all known that Dinner was going to be hard for her and in reality she had done well really, eating a good half of the salad and about a tenth of the pasta. The fact that Emmet had just had to toe her out of the room before she threw it all back up into her pate again was not so positive, but that was what Apple gate house was all about. Small backwards and forwards steps until we were heading in the right direction. On the other hand this didn’t mean that such interruptions to a set thing would be taken in its stride by the rest of the patients. I glanced around at the staff members giving them a slight nod to keep an eye out for the patients that would have been most at risk of a freak out while I raised my voice above the groans of disgust and side giggles to try and put the rest of dinner back on track.

“All right, all right come on everyone,” I said slowly and clearly crushing most of the noise under my apparent authority over the situation. “I know what has just happened is unusual but Mi is new here and has her own problems like all of us have. I know it isn’t nice to see someone feeling so unwell but Emmet has gone with her to help so we could we go back to eating dinner please.”

“Oh come on, Clair laughed from opposite me on the table as she poked melodramatically at the pasta on her plate. “She’ not unwell, she’s a puker. How original. I’m too fat, what should I do? Go on a diet? No I’m will just shove my fingers down my throat. Pathetic.” Clair jibbed, her voice a high pitched mimic, before she stabbed some pasta and threw it into her mouth.

The fork next to me smashed against the plate before screeching back across the ceramic making a sound like nails on a chalkboard. Bella had been disturbed from her task and now she was angry. Somewhere inside myself I too was also angry at Clair, however she had an anti-social disorder. A recognised mental illness, so I had to muster up as much understanding and compassion for her as I did for anyone else, but the other patients did not have this obligation. To them she was just a heartless bitch, And now for Bella, it had just got personal.

“We may be pukers but at least we’re fucking human inside. I mean you know that place in your chest where peoples hearts are normally? Yours is just a black hole! You want to know the reason why Mi has to throw her food up. It’s probably because some bitch like you told her she was fat!” Bella screamed her face going red and her body shaking as she got to her feet and Clair followed. Her face opposite to Bella‘s; cool and collected. She was ready to fight. The only difference was a fight would break Bella apart while it brought Clair some pleasure.

“I was noticing you were looking slightly fatter again Bella. Gain a few more pounds did we? I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. We don’t want even more to pile on those fat hips.” Bella’s anger failed instantly. Her body sagging. Tears taking her eyes and swamping her cheeks as she pushed the half eaten plate of food away from her on the table, before she dropped to her knees crawled under the table and escaped out the door just before Jean got to her feet and took off after her.

Orange heat flooded inside of me. Human Esmee floating out the cracks of her nurses front. Biased angry Esmee that wanted to tell Clair that she to thought she was a heartless bitch and the world would be a nicer place if she wasn’t in it. Clair was not oblivious to what the words had meant that slipped out of her mouth. She had chosen them to cause the most damage. Chosen them to send Bella running from the room to the nearest loo were her fingers could be lodged down her throat. She had wanted them to hurt, and they had.

“Clair, I understand that you sometimes find social situations hard,” I said as calmly as I could even though my hands shook with my own personal built up rage. “Because of that we give you some slack, but I will not, under any circumstances tolerate bullying in this unit while I am in charge. especially when it comes to poking fun at someone else’s illness. We all have to live here together and we all have our reasons to be here. It is meant to be safe place and one individual no matter what their illness will change that.” I stated firmly trying to not let my teeth grind together in my annoyance.

“What are you going to do about it? You can‘t touch me” Clair sneered, the corners of her lips turning up into a mocking smile.

Throw you out on your ass and hope you wonder into oncoming traffic. “Elizabeth, can you take Clair into the day room and so she can finish up her food alone and stay with her until I can arrange a rota for her amber observations.” I asked the nurse beside Clair, smiling sweetly at her while ignoring Clair’s comment. I was better at hiding the sneering in my facial expression.

“ You can’t do that! On what ground can you amber me?” Clair screamed, her eyes turning red as she threw the chair she was sitting on over with a crash making everyone in the unit jump, Jack to rock and Amy- Jean to start crying.

“You’re a danger to others and your out of control.” I retorted trying not to let a guilty smile spread over my features. I hated bullies.