Chapter 9 : Sky light

Sky light unit was the brightest place in the hospital. That’s the only thing I could really say about it. Every wall, every curtain, even every nurse was in some form of primary colour. I was in Butterfly ward. There where 5 wards all in all not including the numerous side wards. My place in all of this was butterfly 2; 2 being my bed number. I was moved from the ICU by Doctor Richardson and was put here. For how long they didn’t know but they assured me it wouldn’t be much longer.

“Hi there honey, how you feeling?” I was shocked to see Annie approaching my bed with an arm full of Rosy gabbling along to her self from her mum’s hip and pointing towards the pictures on the curtains of the different insects.

I shifted my weight in the bed so I could sit up to receive the toddler into my lap. I loved her like she was my own; her soft skin against my body and her sweet scent was the only thing that could make me genuinely smile these days. She was what was right with the world. She was unspoilt and unharmed and still trusting of the people around her where I represented everything that was bad.

“Hello baby,” I said smothering the top of her head with kisses. Somehow she managed to ease the hopeless despair that I continuously felt, soothed the black hole that raged in my stomach.

“How you feeling now Mi, I was so worried about you. I couldn‘t bring myself to see you while you where in the ICU, and then they were telling me you needed surgery but you were week and they didn‘t know what was best, and … look at your arm.” Annie gently picked up my bandaged arm into her had and planted a kiss on it, “Oh honey, I wish you didn‘t do this things.”

I couldn’t bring my self to talk to Annie or even look at her, I felt so bad for what I did to her that her gaze felt like it was burning me all over, my flesh trying to pull away from my bones.
“Mi?”

“I’m sorry,” Was all I could mumble before I went back to stroking Rosie’s wispy hair. She promptly snuggled into me and put her thumb in her mouth, staring at the bright colours on the TV screen that was hanging beside my bed that had be turned on by one of the nurses even though I wasn’t looking at it.

“Don’t be sorry Mi, this isn’t your fault. I’m just glad you’re on the mend. In Rhesus, when you stopped breathing, you looked like you where never going to come round again.”

“I stopped breathing?” Annie nodded, tears filling up her eyes. What I hated the most is instead of fear or regret or at the very least being thankful to the doctors who effectively brought me back to life, at that moment a part of me was stiff with rage and hatred for them. For the shortest of time I had been dead and they spoiled that. Why couldn’t the just understand that I didn’t want to be saved.