Chapter 11 : The many faces of Dr. Jordan

Dr. Jordan sat down on Annie’s vacated chair and watched me intently with his paralyzing eyes. I rocked back and forth slightly arms tight around my legs trying desperately not to look into his eyes again.


“What’s going on for you right now?” His voice sounded warm and caring enough but still something kept my back up, Maybe I didn’t trust easily enough. Maybe he wasn’t someone to be trusted. I had had run in’s with these types of Doctors before. Psychiatrists where all strange creatures with more faces then even the best of actors, all of which were on cue to strike the deadly blow at any time. I just had to come out of it alive.

“Nothing, I’m Ok,” I lied.

Dr Jordan didn’t look convinced but he backed off which I was grate full for demonstrating face number one for me to see with perfect precision.


“I’m a child psychiatrist,” He continued. I new that. “The doctors asked me to come and have a chat with you. I understand you took quite a few more tablets then you should have.”

I nodded in response still not willing to look into his eyes “You cut your arm quite deeply to?” I nodded again. “Did you want to die?”

The bluntness of the question, Face two, caught my attention and I looked directly at him, stopping rocking. His features where plain and unreadable as if he had asked this some what strange question a thousand times before and I was shocked into speaking, A great trick of the Psychiatrist.


“Yes”


“Was there a reason?” That was a new why of asking why but still I answered. Damn it


“Not really, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothings really wrong apart from my self loathing. I truly hate everything about me. The worse thing is I’m not even sure why.” I smiled a bitter smile and Doctor Jordan responded with one in return. What the hell was I doing? I should have been running away, not opening up. Damn it he was good.

` He shifted his weight on the chair to look more at me. His face seemed concerned but he had practiced this a thousand times before, I was no different then the other kids he saw. All with there own reasons for trying to escape the world. All of them caught and brought back whether they liked it or not.


“Is there nothing else you can do to make you feel better? Can’t you cry?” He asked. stupidity, face three.

I was struck by the strange question and I let the corners of my mouth form into a giggle, then a laugh, then hysterics.


“You have no idea do you,” I laughed. “This isn’t like falling over and scraping your knee when you where two, or your best friend telling you she isn’t going swimming with you anymore at the weekend. This is insane. This is drowning in the deepest lake, this is a thousand elastic bands strapped around your chest. This,” I said pointing to the deep red scars on my arm that didn’t have a bandage wrapped around it, “Is cutting them free.”


“I understand.” compassion, face four


“No you don’t!” I said raising my voice a little bit “no one does.”


“I do.” Dr Jordan’s hand twitched on the sleeve of his shirt and he pulled it up slightly. Long white perfect parallel scars crept up his arms from his wrist to his elbow. I couldn’t help my self. I put my hand out and traced my fingers over the white marks; each one slightly raised and soft against my finger tips. I breathed in deeply and let in out in short sharp jerks before tearing my eyes away and retracting my hand. absolute irrevocable truth - A verity. Face five


“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… I mean… I couldn’t…I….I…”


“It’s Ok Mi…It’s all right.”

“I want to stop, I really do, I want to be able to live here and I want to be able to just feel normal some of the time, but I can’t, and I can’t live like this. I want to die. I wish they never saved me.” I said my voice cracking with tears and two falling down over my cheeks. “I want to die, I’m done with this, I want out.” I moaned through my hands.


“It’s all right mi, let’s get you some help. Have you ever heard of Apple gate house?”