Chapter 23 : Bella’s weak moment

“Well dinners in about thirty minuets.” Bella moaned uncomfortably sucking her tummy in until her pelvis protruded through her skin and I had to look away. I tried to convince my self that I was worried for her, and I was, but it didn’t completely mask the real feeling that flowed like poison through my veins, Jealously. Bella was almost there, to a place where she was light enough to live outside her physical body. A place where her spirit was shinny enough to watch it’s body get battered from the sidelines and never feel the pain.

“You are very new to all of this aren’t you,” Bella sighed letting the air out and allowing her tiny belly to fill some of the void between her two sharp hips before cursing under her breath her pail face going red at the tops of her cheeks. “ I wish I could help you but I can’t of course. I mean I am better then I was but I am still spectacularly fucked up for someone who has been in treatment for five months and hasn’t reached their target weight,” Bella hissed again more at her self this time A panic rising in her voice as her cheeks flushed a deeper red.

I didn’t know what to do to help. My words were useless, and I didn’t know how to physically touch anyone so hugging her was out of the question, but I wished there was something I could do. I liked Bella, and she was hurting, but it was a hurt that went deeper then myself or any feeble attempts at any comfort I could give. So I remained silent, my head bowed in respect as I watched one of Apple Gates patients show me the reason why she was one of the people on this side of the fence.

“Look I’m sorry Mi.” Bella chocked out, her voice a little higher then it had been before. “This is a weak moment. I’m not normally like this. I knew I shouldn’t have come and saw you this close to feeding time and now I’m pouring liquid crazy all over you,” Bella said, shaking her head to try and clear out the thick black clouds of smoke that fogged up her mind. “I really have to go and find Esmee or someone before my mind explodes and trust me that isn’t pretty but I’m in courage if you want me OK and normally I am pretty level headed so don’t be scared to knock for me.”

With that Bella pulled her self off of my bed and stumbled like a drunk towards my door with one had cupped around her stomach and the other holding onto her head as her breath rose into hyperventilation and she began to sob. I wanted to go after her tell her that it was OK, and that food made me crazy too sometimes but roots had come up from the ground and were holding me to my bed making me listen to the metal that once again called to me from the Wardrobe.

Chapter 22 :The disease of stupid vanity

* Chapters writen in italics are flash backs.


My mum pulled the chair out opposite me at the table and groaned pinching the bridge oh her nose. Her face tight with a mock concern that the doctors told her to have. She said it coast to much too feed me, so I stopped eating, and for a while she was happy, but now there were rumours and whispers that one of Lily’s children had the dreaded A word. The disease of stupid vanity - Anorexia.


“You have to eat Mia. You have to eat something,” My mum half growled. I stared at the plate of chicken and potatoes and pushed it around a bit with the edge of my fork. I could have ate the whole plate. I wanted to, and I needed to, but something inside me called that eating was wrong, that one of the most natural things for a human to do was fundamentally flawed. Without food I could leave the body that I was stuck in, that got hurt, away, and let my spirit float on the breeze to a place where the bad things couldn’t find me, but… I was hungry.

Finding the smallest bit of chicken I could. I put it into my mouth and chewed slowly, twelve times exactly. Twelve had become a safe number, a good and happy number. The bad things didn’t collide with the number twelve. Swallowing hard I did the same process again four more times before putting my fork down. Defeated. Even twelve couldn’t manage the food. A whole army of twelve’s couldn’t fight off chicken and potatoes.


“I can’t, I’m not hungry, I….I mean I feel sick,” I chorused, rolling the excuses off the back of my tongue with ease before I pushed the plate away in a defiant gesture. My mother pushed it back. Her rage building. She was going to explode now. Explode at me. She had wanted to all along anyway. I had just given her the green light


“Eat it!” She snapped, picking my fork up from the side of my plate. She stabbed a piece of chicken and for god measure added some mash potato and a slice of tinned carrot before thrusting it before my mouth. Like a defiant child I clenched my lips shut. I couldn’t face the calories, I told my self. I was strong empty, pure and shiny inside like a reflection in the bottom of a crisp clear stream.

“Eat it you bitch! Eat!” My mum jumped up from her chair and darted around to my side of the table knocking my plastic tumbler of water over before proceeding to hold my nose. When I had no choice but to open my mouth to breath She shoved in the large fork full of food. and I choked, spitting the food out on to the table before continuing to retch into my hands. The kitchen span around me as I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my deprived lungs.

“Eat Damn it!” She yelled her face turning a deadly shade of scarlet next to mine before her hand struck the side of my head and I fell to the floor with a thud still coughing and spluttering. With out the food my body would eventually make no sound as it fell to the floor and then it wouldn’t hurt.

“If I get in trouble for this Mia I swear I will make you wish you were never born,” my mum yelled, throwing the plate of food down next to my head with a crash, The ceramic smashing into a hundred different pieces. She was all ready too late to make me wish that though. I was eleven years old and I wished I were dead.

Chapter 21 : Mirrors lie

“she wants to blow up
all the glass factories
and shatter reflections 'round the world.
Until then she'll just knock her knees
to the cool tile floor
and blast the bathroom sink,
it's the next best thing

to making mirrors extinct."

Making Mirrors Extinct

Lucas Carpenter

A few minutes later a small tap resounded from my door. I looked at my watch and huffed, muttering to myself. It hadn’t even been five minutes. I rolled my eyes as the door crept open a few inches and a pair of hair covered eyes peeked around the corner.

“Hi I’m Bella. Howdy newbie,” Bella chirped her face still hidden behind the door. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Her voice was still happy and cheerful, obviously not destroyed from her five long months here. This gave me some small hope for getting out of this place sane however I was almost beginning to wander if Bella belonged here at all, she seemed to cheerful for someone who had been cooped up in the mental house for so long


“Come on in if you want. I’m not doing anything,” I said.

Her body slipped in around the crack in the door. Then I understood, no one could fail to understand why Bella had claimed her place in Apple Gate house. Bella was tall and I imagined used to be very pretty. Now she was a shell of her former self. Bella was…thin…Weight around… ???lb, Too thin. Her hips stuck out of her side like knives, her ribs were clearly visible to count through her top and her face was bony and drawn out. I could also tell her teeth where not in very good condition, probably from years of making her self vomit, also her skin was somewhere between the living and the dead with a strange translucent effect to it. She looked like a living breathing teenage ghost. Her mousy hair hung limply over her shoulders drained of all nutrients just like the rest of her body but there was, however, against everything something that tried to bounce back into life. like she was trying to step into our world from another one and she was somewhere shrouded in the smoke halfway through the portal. She could have been no more than 14 and she was the perfect pin up girl for anorexia nervosa.

“I’m Mi,” I said trying to not to act shocked at what I saw standing in front of me and instead engage in conversation, but still something nagged at , Bella had been killing her self to be thin until she entered here and even five months in treatment had only made her look half real, Why would she do that to her self?

“You found out where I was then.” I said trying to shake all the questions out of my mind. Bella just looked puzzled. “I heard you talking to Ingrid out side.” I explained. Bella came over and sat next to me on my bed. The mattress barley moved under her tiny frame.


“Ingrid’s alright.” Bella confirmed. “So is here really. I mean you get used to it after a while, though of course every one wants to get out of here. Eventually. I was nearly there not so long ago but I started loosing again and well they said I had to stay. Well that’s the story of my life really, One step forward, thirty million back,” Bella moaned, and for the first time she looked sad, her eyes glazing over with the same tiredness that I felt somewhere deep inside of me. A tiredness that wouldn’t go away even if you were aloud to sleep for a thousand years.

“They say my mirror lies, that my image is distorted like I am constantly looking into one of those fun house mirrors and maybe that’s true, but everyday I am locked in a maze of those mirrors,” Bella moaned, and her eyes drifted even further away until she abruptly shook her head clearing the fog before smiled at me again.

“Sorry, I go on so, but you’re the only other person in the unit with an ED now. Shannon reached her target weight and left about two months ago and since then it’s just been lonely old me,” Bella laughed her eyes animated again. “Of course you’re here now so…”
“I don’t have an ED.” I said almost defensively, cutting Bella off as the hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention. She had no idea about me. I wasn’t ill like her, I was OK, I could survive with out eating much and I was still fat. My mirrors didn’t lie, they told me the harsh truths. They showed my flaws, They made me strive onwards for perfection and purity.

“Oh… Ok, I get it,” Bella said gently, cutting off my inner racing thoughts. “You still think your mirrors speak the truth, but maybe you should think about it Mi. Maybe your mirror lies too.”

Chapter 20 : Four rules for life

“Well where is she then Ingrid. We are all so anxious to meet her; tell her what beast you all are to us." Bella’s voice was joking but somewhere in it A crack of reality broke through it. After all, though you could believe otherwise with her chirpy little voice, She was in here for a reason too.

“No scaring her Bella, you hear me. She is a timid little thing bless her heart.” I smiled. Not because Ingrid had said something nice about me, but the fact that she saw me as timid.. I liked to give off that impression. It bought me some time. If they thought I was timid they wouldn’t be expecting my explosions and they wouldn’t be able to deal with them. Inside I laughed sinisterly. I could and would show them all.

“Ingrid, I am an angel.” Bella protested. How could you even think something like that?” Ingrid huffed in obvious disagreement to Bella’s argument.

“So who’s she with then?” Bella persisted, not willing to back down. “Who’s doing her obs? Lauren, Emmet or have you been really nice to her and put her with Esmee?”


“Nope I’m doing her Obs, the same as I’m doing yours,” Ingrid said, “Now scram; I have to check on her.”

“What, no fair!” Bella protested whole heartedly about something I wasn’t sure about. “She’s never been admitted on green. I was on red for two days before they put me down to green!”

“It’s different for everyone, you know that Bella. Dr Jordan’s happy for her to be on Green for now but of course we are monitoring her to see if she could do with a bit of extra help.”

I listened intently to the conversation about obs from behind the door while replacing my top for another one that looked very similar to the one that was now blood stained. I screwed that one up into a little ball and planted it at the very bottom of my suit case under the lining. At that moment my door opened.

“Checks,” was all Ingrid said with a warm smile in my direction unstill she noticed I had yet to put any of my belongings away and was sitting on the edge of my bed looking dazed. “ Are you alright Mi? Do you want some help unpacking?”

“Bella seems… nice.” I said ignoring her question about unpacking, she had gone through my things one more time then I would of liked all ready.


“Oh you heard her. She isn’t nothing to worry about Mi. She’s just being friendly. She respects boundaries though, you just have to tell her to leave you alone if she’s annoying you.” I smiled sweetly back at Ingrid. That was what I had trained myself to do; smile sweetly, never speak, be small and never complain. Those four rules got me through life.

“ All right,“ Ingrid said giving up trying to get anything out of me. “I will be back in ten Ok, don’t worry about the obs Mi, you’ll get used to them, you won’t even know I am coming in after a while and as Bella has made so clear, these are quite low for your first day.” Ingrid waited a few more seconds for a reaction, realised she wasn’t going to get one and walked away.

Chapter 19 : A longer sentenced then planned

“Hay Ingrid, when’s the newbie getting here?” An excited voice asked from the corridor out side of my room. The commotion shocked me into action and the realisation I was on 10 minute checks. I had to act fast, and hope that whoever was outside talking to Ingrid would keep her there for a while.


I desperately searched the cell, or “dream” (as every one seemed to call it) for anywhere to hide my little treasure. My frantic searching eyes fell on one tiny blob of blue tack that was stuck to the wardrobe door. Grabbing it, I gently stuck it to my blade then to the underside of one of the shelves in the wardrobe. softly closing the door I flung myself on my bed. Grabbed a book from the pile of stuff I was aloud to keep and pretended to read. Before noticing the small line of blood seeping through my tee-shirt. My heart jumped up into my mouth as I desperately searched for an idea in my head. What if she just burst through the door and saw the blood on me? What did they do in these places if they found out you hurt your self? I gulped.

“I believe she prefers being called Mi, Bella. How would you like it if she called you oldie?”

“Well it’s not my damn fault they have kept me here so long. They told me I would be here six weeks, five months down the line and I’m still bloody well here. Besides Ellie’s been here for 9 months.”

I froze where I stood, a line of cold sweet dribbling down my neck. She had to be kidding right? No one was really here for that long. where they?

Chapter 18 : A precious metal

Retrieving the blade from the secret pocket in my bra I slowly turned the shiny piece of metal around and around though my fingers, gently tracing the out line of my best friend. knowing it was there made it seem like I might be able to survive Apple Gate, for a few hours any way.

I made a little cut across my stomach and watched as the tiny red beads that comforted me so appeared like magic. I traced across the line of blood, smudging it with my finger, making a large droplet gathering on the end, and then it silently dripped to the floor in what seemed like slow motion. cutting did not hurt, it calmed me.

Everything was so quiet I swore I could almost hear the blood drop splash in front of me onto the carpet. I breathed out; it was easier then before. If there was one thing in everything I owned in Apple gate I was quickly learning this tiny little piece of metal would be the thing that needed protecting the most. I delicately wiped the blood off of the blade with my tissue then set it down on my bed side table. Then it dawned on me; I could not leave this lying around where it could be seen. Here this would be my only lifeline. I needed to protect it like a newborn baby, or precious jewels. A precious metal. More valuable to me then all the gold in the world.

Chapter 17 : Shopping costs too much

* Chapters writen in italics are flash backs.


“seriously, your just too cute. How could I not bye you things?”


“You could have bought your self stuff,” I suggested.


“And I did, just not as much as what I got you. You have no idea Mi, when you are happy it makes me happy, I would buy you the earth to make you smile.”

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. Arabella made my life what it was. Her soft skin, her curly hair, her eyes, her lips, her voice. I leant over and touched her hand on the gear stick of her car; Penny Peugeot her pride and joy. It was bright yellow and always clean and sparkling, the inside was soft and cozy and smelt like jelly beans. I snuggled into the seat and closed my eyes looking over at my beautiful sister. She was perfect. It didn’t matter about the rest of the world. I could always live beside her.


“I love you,” I said smiling at her again.


“I love you to. I mean look at that face, what would I do if anything ever happened to that face?” Arabella smiled smoothing one finger down my right cheek.


“It’s nothing special” I said in a groan, tucking my black hair behind my ears. Arabella laughed. .
“On the contrary my little Mi, to me it is the most beautiful thing in the world.


“Arabella!” I yelled screwing my eyes shut; there was a screech of brakes and then the collision, the clank of metal, then smell of burning rubber. When I opened my eyes Arabella was slumped over the steering wheel her chest crushed, a single line of blood dripping out her mouth and ear. Then there was the screaming; a high piercing scream. My scream.

Chapter 16 : Thank heavens for padded bras, (or Primark at least)

I was led up the big staircase to “dream” (as they insisted on calling it) by Ingrid. Ingrid was a tiny thin woman of about 112lbs who must have been in her early twenty’s, she was also very pale but absolutely stunning. All her features where defined, her platinum silky straight hair fell effortlessly over her shoulders to the centre of her back and her walk looked almost like a dance, or that she should have been on a catwalk somewhere and defiantly not in the hall ways of a mental hospital. She was one of those girls that all the boys went mad for, and all of the other girls wanted to be. I felt completely inadequate in her presences.

Up on the first floor was a corridor of 7 rooms each with a name painted elegantly on them in black slanted lettering. The second one on the right next to “love” bore the word dream.

“Here we go then mi,” Ingrid said almost singing the words. Even her voice was perfect. “I have set the bed up for you all ready, all you got to do is put a few pictures up and it will feel just like home.”

She was wrong. No amount of pictures could have made Dream Ok. Dream was nothing more then a cell of a room painted in a NHS baby pink. A single bed and side table stood up against the left side of the wall, a chest of draws and a wardrobe down the other with a mirror next to them that looked like it was made out of tin foil. At the far end was a window, opened a crack at the bottom, dressed with Curtains of mismatched colours that clashed into each other horribly. like down stares the stupid amount it actually opened wasn’t enough to help with the sweltering heat. I felt sick.

“Right then what have we got in here?” Ingrid asked, taking my suit case out of my hand that had been dropped up to Apple gate before my arrival by Annie and Paul. It looked far to heavy for her to carry but she managed it easily before dropping it lightly onto my bed, making the itchy hospital blanket shift out of place.

“Do you want to come and give me a hand Mi? I will help you put it away as well if you want.” I walked over to the bed silently like the zombie I seemed to be becoming looking at the ground the whole time. I unzipped the bag slowly before she started pulling out the clothes writing it all down as she went on official hospital paper occasionally passing comment on some item of clothing she really liked. Then she came across Mr Hop.

“Awwww” she squealed in pure delight at coming across the chewed, moth eaten gray bunny rabbit that used to be white and now only had one eye. “Isn’t he just the sweetest?”

I had Mr Hop when I was first born and he had never been out of my hands ever since. My big sister had bought it for me when I was a few hours old, now he was all I had left of her. Arabella had died in a car accident when she was driving me home from one of our shopping trips together. By a cruel twist of fate I survived when she hadn’t but not with out the big red raised scare down the right hand side of my face. They said in time it would fade, but it had not showed any signs of doing so yet and it continued to stand as an ugly permanent reminder of that ugly day.

“Right, all done.” Ingrid said pulling me back into the room. I can leave you to unpack now if you want, I will just have to come back and check on you in 10 minutes. Have you got anything else on you that you want me to lock away?” Translation- If you have a bomb in your knickers please give it to me now

“No, I don’t think so,” I said forcing a smile. Only I knew about the small shiny sharp piece of metal I had hiding in the padding of my bra. Yeah she probably meant she wanted that too.

Chapter 15 : Fun, fun fun.

“Right Mi I think that’s almost everything,” Jean said in a cheery voice that suggested she had done these admissions far to many times before. I had been in the building all of ten minutes and I knew this was not the place that was being presented to me By Jean and Dr. Jordan in their mental broacher.

“Oh I almost forgot,” Jean said stopping abruptly making my neck snap up to look at her straight in the eyes. They where extraordinary beautiful eyes, a genital flowing gold with a deep brown edge to them, So beautiful that I had to look into them for a second or two before reverting my gaze back to the blue carpeted floor.

“There are four levels of observations my love. Every client is on one of these levels. Dr Jordan thinks it will be good to start you off on green level, all that means is someone will be checking on you every 10 minutes.”

Long ago I would have protested at this level of invasion into my private world, maybe even a few hours ago, but Apple Gate seemed to have sucked all the fight out of me. There was nothing to say. Just by me being there, they had all ready won.


“Ok then my love I will go and get Ingrid to take you up to dream were she will search your bags, then you can start to unpack.”


“Ser… Search,” I stuttered. A wave of nausea clenched in my stomach at the idea, there must have been some mistake. Why did they have to search me? What did they think I was going to do? sneak a bomb in or something?
　 “Yeah sorry honey, it’s all procedure, everyone gets their bags checked when they arrive here, just to make sure they haven’t got anything that could be dangerous to them selves or others. I know it sounds horrid but Ingrid has done this many times before, and you could always help her. You could make it fun.” She made it sound like she was offering a day at a theme park not 20 minutes with a woman I never met before searching through my underwear. Yeah I could tell it was going to be thrilling.

Chapter 14 : Prison

I was led into a large hall way with a seating area that was all painted in a plain boring cream colour. There was also a large stair case that wound its way up to the first and second floor. My eyes lingered on the net that was hung just under the stairs. A fly catcher for human jumpers.


“Come and take a seat down here,” Jean said leading us towards the tired old sofas in the hall way. I sat down on the edge of the one nearest the door and Jean and Dr Jordan sat down opposite, eyeing me up and down; still silently judging me.


“We have got an induction booklet for you, I will go and get it for you in a minute, it has the rules and bed times and thing in it, and a time table of groups. It hasn’t been decided what ones you will be taking yet as you haven’t been assessed properly, but I think Doctor Jordan has an appointment to do that with you in a few days time and then we can make you a care plan.”

Her words where jumble and nothing really made any sense so I nodded and agreed still staring at the walls of what was now my prison. I wrinkled my nose up at the smell of hospital food that infiltrated the entire hall way. The big window at end of the hall was open a tiny crack at the bottom but the place was still almost unbearably hot which only intensified the odour. I didn’t know why it wasn’t opened more to let through a breeze but then it dawned on me. They were open as far as they would go. I swallowed. I was trapped.

Chapter 13 : the other side of the fence.

Dr. Jordan’s black fiat punto hummed down the road, the radio barely audible over the road noise, and his talking. He always talked, though now I never talked back. I had retreated into my self after the first time I had seen Dr. Jordan and he had sentenced me to spend at least the next six weeks in Apple Gate House. Every word got stuck in my mouth. Every tear eroded my soul and even though I was screaming like I was stuck in a nightmare on the inside, on the outside, I was deathly silent.

“Here we go then” Dr Jordan said as he leaned out the window of his car and keyed the numbers into the gate while shielding it with his hands so I couldn’t see. A loud beep signalled that the code was correct and the electronic gates began to open slowly. I stared straight ahead either not seeing or unwilling to look at the building that towered next to us; the three stories’ casting a shadow over the grounds. I shivered.

“Come on out you get then.” Dr Jordan said after he swung his door open and come over to open mine. I got out and for the first time permitted myself to steal a glance up at the building that had now become my home; I missed Annie’s and Paul’s modest terraced house.

It was so much bigger here then what it looked like from the road. Dr Jordan placed a guiding hand on my back and we began the walk to the front door. Through the windows I saw two girls and a boy bent over a giant table and another girl sitting in the corner in a ball trying to be as small as possible while a nurse dressed in jeans and a top with butterflies on knelt down in front of her. None of the others seemed to care that someone else sitting in the same room with them was so distressed and I wondered if tomorrow that would be me just in another corner, to weak to move, to scared to talk, to numb to cry.

Dr Jordan reached out an arm and rang the door bell, a shrill ring alerting any one inside that I had arrived. A few moments later a tall plump lady of around 210lb who was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt with printed blue flowers on it answered the door, she glanced over my pale features making her judgment of me in a few seconds, then turned her attention toward Dr Jordan. .

“Hi Nick!” She shouted brightly, “How are you doing?”
“Yeah not to bad Jean, not to bad,” Doctor Jordan smiled before he placed a heavy almost restraining hand on my shoulder.
“This is Mi,” He announced. I swallowed hard.

“Hello Mi, I’m Jean, come in and lets get you sorted out and settled in. then I will show you your room, I believe your In Dream room for the moment.”

I stole one last glance back over my shoulder and stepped into the hallway with Dr Jordan and Jean. I was on the other side of the fence now.

Chapter 12 : Sentence passed

“Isn’t that the big red brick NHS house up the road from here?”


“Yeah that’s the place. I have had a lot of people like you spend some time there for a little while, just to get them though the worst of times, I am normally based there and I work with over half of the clients. It’s very nice. You get your own room and things and you can put pictures up on your walls. Not to mention all the organized activities and things planed. You might have seen them all out in the grounds playing with oversized games and things.” Doctor Jordan smiled. I laughed.

“Don’t patronise me, it’s a children’s phsyc unit, a hospital, nothing more, nothing less and I hardly see how oversized board games make up for the fact that they are all enclosed behind fifteen foot fences complete with security lighting,” I commented bitterly. “It’s not a holiday camp. It’s for the sick.”


“That might be true, but you are sick and it does do a good job at keeping people safe and making them better, so how about yourself and I head off over there in a bit and have a look around If they have got time to see us?”

Now I was confused, even scared. what did Apple gate have to do with me? I had walked past there on my way to school many times before and yes I had seen the patients out in the grounds playing games and things with giant chess boards, while nurses in informal Jeans and t-shirts over looked and encouraged, and the patients always had smiles on there faces, however There was the other side too. The side that made mothers grip onto their children’s hands and cross over the road, the side that sent my ears ringing and my feet running for cover. For with the games and laughter came the shouting alarms and the horrendous screaming. Yes I admit Apple gate always intrigued me but I was always safe behind the tall fence peeking through the gaps at people life’s that where worse then mine. A safe distance from a place I would, and should never know.


“Why would I want to look at apple gate?” I asked


“Because I think a short stay there would really help you at the moment.”

I went cold. My mind had told me this was where his thoughts was heading when he had been talking, but I couldn’t believe it, yet now it had been confirmed. My stomach lurched. Bile rushed up my throat and I expelled it into one of the dishes that was left on my bedside table. Dr. Jordan was on his feet and by my side in seconds pushing the Illuminated nurse call button on my pillow.


“Ok honey,” Dr. Jordan soothed pulling my hair back off my shoulders and out of the bowel of vomit.


“I’m not insane,” I wheezed heaving again, pulling all the muscles in my stomach and chest trying to get everything out of me including the realization that I was to spend time in Apple gate and be one of the ones encaged behind the fence.


“I know your not Mi, but you do need help.” Dr Jordan said throwing a piece of tissue in on top of the vomit I had just expelled while I slumped my body back up against my pillows exhausted and out of breath.

“Here you go Honey,” Dr Jordan soothed again, pulling an oxygen mask over my face. “Breath deeply.” I gratefully sucked in huge lung full’s of air even though I hated being given oxygen, I was still under the impression I didn’t deserve to breath.

“I’m going to go and see where that nurse is and make a call to the unit. See if we can get you a bed for when you are discharged from here.” Dr. Jordan winked at me and with a flip of the curtains he was gone. Case closed. Sentence passed.

Chapter 11 : The many faces of Dr. Jordan

Dr. Jordan sat down on Annie’s vacated chair and watched me intently with his paralyzing eyes. I rocked back and forth slightly arms tight around my legs trying desperately not to look into his eyes again.


“What’s going on for you right now?” His voice sounded warm and caring enough but still something kept my back up, Maybe I didn’t trust easily enough. Maybe he wasn’t someone to be trusted. I had had run in’s with these types of Doctors before. Psychiatrists where all strange creatures with more faces then even the best of actors, all of which were on cue to strike the deadly blow at any time. I just had to come out of it alive.

“Nothing, I’m Ok,” I lied.

Dr Jordan didn’t look convinced but he backed off which I was grate full for demonstrating face number one for me to see with perfect precision.


“I’m a child psychiatrist,” He continued. I new that. “The doctors asked me to come and have a chat with you. I understand you took quite a few more tablets then you should have.”

I nodded in response still not willing to look into his eyes “You cut your arm quite deeply to?” I nodded again. “Did you want to die?”

The bluntness of the question, Face two, caught my attention and I looked directly at him, stopping rocking. His features where plain and unreadable as if he had asked this some what strange question a thousand times before and I was shocked into speaking, A great trick of the Psychiatrist.


“Yes”


“Was there a reason?” That was a new why of asking why but still I answered. Damn it


“Not really, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothings really wrong apart from my self loathing. I truly hate everything about me. The worse thing is I’m not even sure why.” I smiled a bitter smile and Doctor Jordan responded with one in return. What the hell was I doing? I should have been running away, not opening up. Damn it he was good.

` He shifted his weight on the chair to look more at me. His face seemed concerned but he had practiced this a thousand times before, I was no different then the other kids he saw. All with there own reasons for trying to escape the world. All of them caught and brought back whether they liked it or not.


“Is there nothing else you can do to make you feel better? Can’t you cry?” He asked. stupidity, face three.

I was struck by the strange question and I let the corners of my mouth form into a giggle, then a laugh, then hysterics.


“You have no idea do you,” I laughed. “This isn’t like falling over and scraping your knee when you where two, or your best friend telling you she isn’t going swimming with you anymore at the weekend. This is insane. This is drowning in the deepest lake, this is a thousand elastic bands strapped around your chest. This,” I said pointing to the deep red scars on my arm that didn’t have a bandage wrapped around it, “Is cutting them free.”


“I understand.” compassion, face four


“No you don’t!” I said raising my voice a little bit “no one does.”


“I do.” Dr Jordan’s hand twitched on the sleeve of his shirt and he pulled it up slightly. Long white perfect parallel scars crept up his arms from his wrist to his elbow. I couldn’t help my self. I put my hand out and traced my fingers over the white marks; each one slightly raised and soft against my finger tips. I breathed in deeply and let in out in short sharp jerks before tearing my eyes away and retracting my hand. absolute irrevocable truth - A verity. Face five


“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… I mean… I couldn’t…I….I…”


“It’s Ok Mi…It’s all right.”

“I want to stop, I really do, I want to be able to live here and I want to be able to just feel normal some of the time, but I can’t, and I can’t live like this. I want to die. I wish they never saved me.” I said my voice cracking with tears and two falling down over my cheeks. “I want to die, I’m done with this, I want out.” I moaned through my hands.


“It’s all right mi, let’s get you some help. Have you ever heard of Apple gate house?”

Chapter 10 : Never to be seen

A Dark, tall shadow breached the light out side my curtains. Instantly I stiffened my grip on Rosy, protective of the small bundle in my arms. I don’t know why but the pending intrusion sent shivers down my spine. The curtains were pulled back and a tall man slipped in wearing a casual suit with a clip board held in one hand. I gripped tighter to Rosy again until she looked around at me to see why I was attempting to cut off her blood supply. I smiled to comfort her and released my grip slightly before looking back at the man.

“Hi Mi, I’m Doctor Jordan, I’m sorry – I didn’t know you had visitors with you at the moment. Are you Mum?” He said, turning his attention to Annie who was sitting in the chair her warm smile across her face ready to except anyone that seemed nice on the surface. She extended her hand to shake Dr, Jordan’s. I flinched. Rosy grumbled.

“No, I’m Mi’s foster mother. She’s staying with us for the time being, until something more permanent can be arranged for her,” Annie explained.
“What about this little princess then?” The doctor asked reaching out a hand and taking Rosy’s in his shaking it gently. An inaudible growl slipped from my lips and I turned her away pointing at the television to distract her.
“That’s Rosy, my biological Daughter,” Annie said, slightly perturbed my possessive actions, however she smiled and carried on lightly anyway, “as you can see she is very attached to Mi.”

“Yes I can see that.” Doctor Jordan smiled his voice bright “however I was wondering if it would be possible to have a chat with Mi alone?” His eyes settled on me for the first time, a swirling liquid grey penetrating into my chest. It took my breath away and I had to look somewhere else before I threw up over him or made a dash for the door.

“Sure no problem, we will just go and get a coffee.” Annie swooped over and in one movement removed Rosy from my iron grasp, once again making me breathless and I had to bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them to hold myself together, to stop my lungs bursting. Annie smiled once more at me and disappeared around the curtains.

“Don’t leave me,” was the only thing I could manage to whisper under my breath as the curtains swished back into place signalling she had gone, never to be seen again.

Chapter 9 : Sky light

Sky light unit was the brightest place in the hospital. That’s the only thing I could really say about it. Every wall, every curtain, even every nurse was in some form of primary colour. I was in Butterfly ward. There where 5 wards all in all not including the numerous side wards. My place in all of this was butterfly 2; 2 being my bed number. I was moved from the ICU by Doctor Richardson and was put here. For how long they didn’t know but they assured me it wouldn’t be much longer.

“Hi there honey, how you feeling?” I was shocked to see Annie approaching my bed with an arm full of Rosy gabbling along to her self from her mum’s hip and pointing towards the pictures on the curtains of the different insects.

I shifted my weight in the bed so I could sit up to receive the toddler into my lap. I loved her like she was my own; her soft skin against my body and her sweet scent was the only thing that could make me genuinely smile these days. She was what was right with the world. She was unspoilt and unharmed and still trusting of the people around her where I represented everything that was bad.

“Hello baby,” I said smothering the top of her head with kisses. Somehow she managed to ease the hopeless despair that I continuously felt, soothed the black hole that raged in my stomach.

“How you feeling now Mi, I was so worried about you. I couldn‘t bring myself to see you while you where in the ICU, and then they were telling me you needed surgery but you were week and they didn‘t know what was best, and … look at your arm.” Annie gently picked up my bandaged arm into her had and planted a kiss on it, “Oh honey, I wish you didn‘t do this things.”

I couldn’t bring my self to talk to Annie or even look at her, I felt so bad for what I did to her that her gaze felt like it was burning me all over, my flesh trying to pull away from my bones.
“Mi?”

“I’m sorry,” Was all I could mumble before I went back to stroking Rosie’s wispy hair. She promptly snuggled into me and put her thumb in her mouth, staring at the bright colours on the TV screen that was hanging beside my bed that had be turned on by one of the nurses even though I wasn’t looking at it.

“Don’t be sorry Mi, this isn’t your fault. I’m just glad you’re on the mend. In Rhesus, when you stopped breathing, you looked like you where never going to come round again.”

“I stopped breathing?” Annie nodded, tears filling up her eyes. What I hated the most is instead of fear or regret or at the very least being thankful to the doctors who effectively brought me back to life, at that moment a part of me was stiff with rage and hatred for them. For the shortest of time I had been dead and they spoiled that. Why couldn’t the just understand that I didn’t want to be saved.

Chapter 8 : Inside torture

“So,” Dr Richardson’s voice seemed to pull me back to earth and my eyes looked up to meet hers. I suppressed the urge to shout ‘what’ back into her face, “why did you do this then?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.

“You don’t know why you tried to kill your self?” Her voice was still thick with an upbeat happiness and she had the biggest smile stretched over her face. It did not suit the mood of her last question and I began to wonder if she had plastic surgery so it was stuck that way.

“I don’t want to live anymore.” I said my voice so muted now I was surprised that she heard me.
“Why’s that though, what could be that bad?” I couldn’t answer so I turned my head away to look at the curtains, trying to count the petals on all the flowers. My soul felt like it was being crushed in on it self. I wasn’t even sure myself why I wanted to die, just that I did.

“Living feels like I am being tortured to death every day. It feels like it is eternally ripping me apart.” I turned my face to look at Dr Care Bear again. Her smile seemed to falter a little but she managed to retain it. She encouraged me on. “It feels like there is a black hole in my stomach engulfing everything,” I said turning away to stare into the curtain again. “I can not remember the last time I felt anything but this gnawing inside of me,” I swallowed hard, “I just figured death would hurt less then the torture.” I looked back at Dr. Care Bear but the smile was gone from her lips now, the room suddenly seemed darker and colder too.

“I see.” Doctor Richardson said, she did not smile again. Only I could depress the paediatric care bear.

Chapter 7 : Doctor Richardson, paediatric care bear

A while later a very jolly looking doctor bounced beside my bed carrying a group of books and folders across her chest. She was a short slim woman with a smile to big for her delicate features. She wore her chestnut hair up in a clip at the nape of her neck and she had rosy cheeks.

“Hello Mia, my name’s Dr. Helen Richardson and I’m one of the paediatric doctors. I’ve come here to see how you’re feeling after you’ve woken up.” Her voice vomited sunshine all over my bed. It was wrong but I instantly hated her. It seemed like she was happy by the fact that I was lying in a hospital bed after trying to end my own life. It seemed like she thought a big smile and some sweetness would cure all the bad things I ever felt even though in reality she had no idea. No one did.
“It’s Mi”

“Oh silly me,” She beamed giggling a fake laugh, “It is written down here.” I actually wanted to growl at her.
“So Mi, what brings you to us?” Idiot - She new better then I did why I was in here. I had been in a coma while a machine breathed for me; she’d been making the decisions for god knows how long. I glanced down to my heavily bandaged blood stained arm “That’s right!” Doctor Richardson chirped “You hurt your poor arm and had to have an operation, poor armie!” She pulled her face into an unnatural pout. It was becoming obvious to me that Doctor Richardson had skipped med school all together and graduated from care bare school instead. I glared at her.

“Why can’t I feel my arm?” I snapped a little bit more forcefully then I intended. I didn’t mean to be rude and I recoiled a little. Dr. Richardson’s face fell into a grimace. Something about it made my stomach lurch uncomfortably. Anything that could make this care bare grimace could not be good news.

“When you hurt your arm… The cut was pretty deep. You sliced a tendon and several nerves, even the artery. We repaired the artery and the tendon but with this type of injury some people may never get full use of their hand again, however you are young and we hope that in time some mobility will be recovered. But it will take time.” The news did not really register right away- my whole body and mind had been numb long before this so I just nodded. She looked surprised; maybe my indifference to becoming disabled crapped all over her care bear morals and attitudes. Maybe I didn’t care.

“Your liver’s Ok at the moment” She beamed at me again, obviously the coverings had been lifted again and she was back to her smiley self. A good liver function test was all it took to get things back on track apparently.
“We are still doing 6 hourly blood tests at the moment to make sure it’s all on track, but thanks to that.” She smiled up to one off the bags pumping stuff into my hand, “Your going to be OK”

I shrugged, once again the numbness that had protected me for so long replaced the gnawing sensation in my stomach. I didn’t want to be Ok. That wasn’t the original plan and now I didn’t have the use of my hand. My heart sunk.

Chapter 6 : Waking up

My arm was up by my head, a large bulky blood stained bandage wrapped tightly around it. I also couldn’t feel it, my sight was the only sense persuading me it was actually there at all. My whole body ached from top to toe as well like I had been dragged around on the back of a car.

I pulled my good arm up to pull the things out of my nose.

“No you don’t” Jasper said turning his attention away from one of the drips and gently putting my arm down by my side. “Its oxygen; you have to leave that in.” I groaned trying to take in my surroundings. Everything was a shiny white and cream, illuminated by different lights on monitors; the different beeps trying to perform an off key symphony against each other. Ghastly floral curtains were parted around the beds, all of them open and an old man in the bed next to me had more tubes then skin visible. His chest mechanically rising and falling with the ventilator, his skin an ash gray with his eyes closed in a drug educed sleep. Jasper closed the curtains around me obscuring the rest of Gods waiting room from view.

“How are you feeing?” Jasper asked.

“I can’t move my arm.”
“I will get a doctor to explain in a bit.” Jasper smiled, leaning over and adjusting the tubes that where sucked somewhere half way up my nose.
“My throat feels like a rat’s cage,” I moaned.

“Here,” Jasper poured some water from a jug on my bedside table with a straw in and held it in front of my face, “Have a sip of this. You where incubated which means we had to put a tube down you throat and breath for you; that’s why your mouth and throat are a little bit sore.” Jasper’s voice was kind and gentle though I had no idea why, I had done this to my self and I wasn’t exactly grateful for the treatment. If it wasn’t for a damn question about beans I would probably have been dead. and with her again.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked.
Jasper smiled. “Because you are sick and need my help. It doesn’t matter how you got here, to be honest that just means you need looking after more.” I shook my head but didn’t argue the case, he was looking after me and it was rude to throw that back in his face after all the trouble I had caused.
“Could you pop this under your arm for me please?” I lifted up my arm and Jasper popped a thermometer under and waited. “All good, I’ll go and get the doctor for you. You never know, you might even be aloud out of the ICU today.”

“Am I going home?” I asked surprised.
“Oh no, sorry love just down to the paediatric ward. It will be better for you down there though, A bit more to do, and no scary old people.” Jasper whispered the last bit, giggled and walked away pulling the curtains back so it could sink in exactly where I was and it certainly wasn’t heaven. and she wasn’t there.

Chapter 5 : Mia Dorado

“Mia, come on Mia open your eyes again,” A girl asked. I struggled to open my eyelids for eternity before giving up. I wanted to sleep. My body felt like it was swaying from side to side and my head was splitting in two. I felt sick. Here was another misunderstanding about suicide. It was not physically painless. I was in more pain now then I had ever felt before. Every part of me ached and every bump made me want to hurl all over again. My mouth was dry and I couldn’t speak. I was hot and I was cold all at the same time. It actually felt like I was dying.

“This is Mia Dorado, Likes to be called Mi, Her foster family called us when they found her slumped by her bed bleeding heavily. There was lots of blood at the scene and we haven’t been able to stop the blood flow; we think a transfusion will be necessary. There is a sever laceration to the right wrist which has possibly hit a main artery. Blood pressure is through the floor and oxygen levels are unstable. She has also taken an overdose of standard Paracetamol, a rough estimate of 100 to 120 of 500mg tablets. She has been fading in and out since we got to her and at times has been unresponsive.”

“Mi... Mi, I’m one of the A&E doctors Ok, I am going to look after you.” I didn’t want looking after. I just wanted to be left alone. It didn’t matter if I died; I did this to my self with that one purpose in mind. In my view, life was over all ready; it had been for a long time.

The doctor went off shouting names of medication and numbers to the hovering nurses. I just closed my eyes - nothing mattered.
“Mi open your eyes for me, I need you to stay awake.” A nurse said who had my arm raised above my head, wrapping more bandages around the wound. The blood relentless in its flow as it dripped down my arm and onto the sheets underneath.

“I need the antidote to Paracetamol and a surgeon down here as quickly as you can please, and a check on her blood type, but in the meantime I would like 2 units of type O set up as quickly as you can please.”

“I’m ok.” I moaned half asleep, I didn’t want to be saved.
“Yeah we are going to look after you.”
“You don’t need to, I’m OK now.” I closed my eyes again and this time I was smiling. Somewhere in the distance a monitor went off. A nurse yelled something and everyone started running towards me. I was gone.

Chapter 4 : Blue's and to's

I was moved out of the house and into the back of the ambulance, which was now moving slowly down the road. Annie was too upset on the phone to Maggie trying to work out how it had happened and Paul was too angry to join me in the ambulance. I hated my self.

“You’re sure you can’t remember how many you took Mi, not even roughly? Rachel asked me. She was now fusing about with various monitors and putting things through the drip in the back of my hand. She stared intently at the screen. “Here.” She pulled the tubes out of my nose and put a mask over my face. “It’s just oxygen but it will make you feel better, the masks work better then the tubes. Just if you’re going to be sick take it off Ok? So how many tablets then?”

“I Don’t know, lots”
“Well roughly, 10, 20, 50,100,0ver 100?”


“Bout 100.” I lied. There had been more then that in those packets, a lot more, at least 300, I had been saving but She didn’t need to know that and with out hesitation she scribbled the lie down on the back of her glove. A lie that could have killed me.

“Why?” I closed my eyes. I knew this was coming and I had no intention of answering it. No mater how much I protested that I was evil and stupid and should be allowed to die there was no way any one was ever going to agree with me. This was their job you see, to be the first response. They were the ones who could save a life and to them, I was just a little kid who had a hard start and was a bit confused. I was just another one that they had to save. All be it this time it was from themselves.

“Damn it” Rachel shouted springing to her feet as a monitor beeped and my body grew heavy with sleep. The ambulance started spinning around as I felt her throw my wrist back into the air again and squeeze hard. A puddle had been forming on the floor of the ambulance. The monitor beeped more persistently and my vision blurred over again. My whole body shook, but I was so hot.

“All right back there Rach?”
“I think it might be time for some blues and two’s.” She called back lowering the trolley so it was flat with my feet in the air before pumping a different medicine though the drip in the back of my hand.

“Right oh.” A piercing screech filled my head and blue flashes shot through my eyes as the darkness embraced me.

Chapter 3 : In blue

“Mia… Mia, open your eyes Mia.” Somebody shook the top of my body. “Come on Mia open your eyes for me Mia.” I opened one eye- I was laying on my side on the cold floor. I seemed to be in the recovery position. There was a pool of foul smelling bright orange vomit beside my face and there where drips coming from both my hands, my feet were raised up on pillows. Tubes ran up my nose and the room was going round quicker then a fair ride. “Mia, Mia, My names Rachel, I’m a paramedic Ok, your going to be Ok love.” Her words stabbed through my head: that was the last thing I actually wanted to hear.

With my last ounce of strength I grunted and rolled over away from her. The movement made my stomach lurch and I threw up, instantly choking. Another paramedic pulled me over to face him and he opened my mouth. More bright orange vomit trickled out the side. I was a mess.
“Wow honey, you have got to stay still for me all right?” The Paramedic demanded and I nodded, too tired to actually try and move again anyway.

“Is she going to be ok?” I heard Annie ask.
“We will do are best, we just have to get her into the ambulance.” Annie took a sharp intake of breath. “I…I should call Maggie.” Out the corner of my eye I saw Annie cover her face and leave the room. Paul struggled with him self for a while then decided he should stay with me. I felt bad; I never wanted to hurt them, as far as a foster family go Paul and Annie were good to me. Still though, I relaxed a little bit knowing there was still hope that I might not make it out of this alive.

“It’s soaked through another one.” I heard Rachel say from the other side of me. “We have really got to get her to the hospital so we can stop the bleeding, it‘s time to scoop and run, I think.”

“She isn’t going to be able to walk out of here though, her blood pressure is dangerously low” He looked over at a small monitor in his hand.”
“I’ll go and get the trolley. Look at her, she tiny, we should be able to get her out without to much trouble.


“Right Mia”

“Mi, I hate Mia.” My lips were almost stuck together with an un-identifiable grunge but I still had to tell him. Mia sent shivers down my spine; every one sounded so angry when they called me Mia. I shouldn’t have cared but their anger made me hate my self and I couldn’t cope with hating my self any more. Tears swam over my eyes and if there was one thing every one knew about me it was that I never cried in front of any one else if I could help it, it was my only golden rule. Tears where weak.

“Sorry Mi. Rachel’s gone to get the stretcher out of the ambulance. When she comes back in we are going to lift you onto it and get you out to the ambulance Ok.

“I don’t want to,” I moaned.

“Christ Mia!” I heard Paul bark from the other side of the room, “What the hell do you mean? You need serious help! What did you do this for any way? What would’ve happened if Annie brought Rosy in? You would of scarred her for life, that little girl loves the ground you walk on!” There was real venom in Paul’s voice that I had never heard before and it stabbed at my heart like a knife. All I could do was whimper like a wounded animal and twist my body - anything I could do to hold back the tears. I could have Scarred a child, hurt little Rosy?

“All right Mr Hat, I know it is hard but try and keep it calm. Mi needs to avoid getting upset if at all possible.” The paramedic turned to me, “Could you tell me how many tablets you have taken Mi?”

“Not enough.”
Paul turned and walked away, and there it was. The only family that would take me in for miles around had walked out on me. All I had left was two strangers dressed in green, vomit, blood and the cool blue lights from the ambulance out side illuminating the room as the sun went down.

Chapter 2 : Sausage and Beans

My skin split an inch or so and a fountain of deep red blood pumped out of my arm, lightly covering my T-shirt and reaching my face. Stunned, I stumbled backwards and tripped over my own feet, falling to the floor. Though no longer spurting, blood poured out of me onto the floor causing a sizeable puddle to collect next to me, Paracetamol packets as tiny islands in the middle of the red sea I created. I had gone too deep but I was paralysed, mesmerised, at the liquid coming from my arm like a tap had been turned on somewhere. I was not panicking; I was calm. My mind was growing fuzzy but entirely focussed on my bleeding arm. The truth was, I would die within ten minutes but it didn’t matter; the tablets would do that eventually any way and at that precise moment, I didn’t mind dying when I was feeling like that, calm and peaceful. The bigger the pool of blood, the better my mood became.

Just at that moment, a hand rapped on my door as the handle turned.

“Right Mi, Paul and I have got sausage, mash and bean for dinner. Do you want me to do you some mixed veg as I know you hate….” Her face became deathly pale as she set her eyes on the blood puddle that had now almost spread to the door. “Christ Mia,” Annie shouted, shooting over to me kneeling down in the blood. “Oh my god Mi!”

I was slumped up against the side of my bed trying to grip onto the floor with my dirty fingernails to stop the room going around. Annie pulled my top off over my head and squeezed it around my open wound, holding it above my head. I simply stared. “Paul, call 999!” She screamed again as footsteps ran up the stairs and into the hallway. The door swung open again.

“Wh…. Shit!” I heard three beeps of a number on the phone then with one last smile, happy in my own way to let it all be over, I let the darkness wash over me, embracing the end of time.

Chapter 1 : broken glass

I wondered around the room, half-dazed with my music up high. It was clear even to my self at this point that I had lost control. I threw another handful of Paracetamol into my mouth with some pop and swallowed with a grimace. Paracetamol was not my pill of choice to kill my self with, but I had little chance of sneaking my anti-depressants away from Annie and Paul with out them knowing. The doctor had told them to guard those little pink pills with their life and never ever let me have more then one at a time. They did this job well. Paracetamol on the other hand was readably available from any shop. It had not been hard to get a load.

I had been repeatedly told that I had been a pain to place. When I say place, I mean with foster parents. It was plastered all over my folder that I had high ‘special needs’ and ‘complex issues’. This was a polite way of saying ‘she gets over excited with razor blades and likes to try and off her self when given the opportunity’. Even though I was classed as an emergency it took my social worker ages to find someone who would take me on. In desperation they called Annie and Paul. Hardly a top choice for someone with as many difficulties as me but they had to do. My mother refused to keep me another day and even though they had a 12-month-old daughter of there own, Annie and Paul offered and Maggie (my social worker) hollered sold!

Under the cover of the ear splitting music, I casually knocked a glass of water off my bedside table and watched the glass shatter on the hard floor instantly; the sharp edges shone up at me like little angels from heaven. Glass normally wouldn’t have been my first weapon of choice either: I much preferred razor blades, carefully extracted from the grips of the safety razor. Or a shiny new blade retrieved with a tiny screwdriver from the inside of a pencil sharpener. However, with the arrival of me, a locking cabinet was bought and all razors and pencil sharpeners where locked away. If there was one thing that Annie and Paul did well, it was caring- they were smart too, but I had been playing this game longer then they had: I would always win. I did not want to hurt them, but I wanted to die, suicide is never painless regardless of what people say. There are always casualties.

I did not know very well about the in’s and outs of cutting with glass. I did not know how to hold it or how hard I should press or anything like that. That was the thing with your chosen weapon, when you self harmed after a while you became used to it. Knew how to handle it knew exactly the right amount of pressure to apply to get exactly the kind of cut you wanted. It was almost like a sick kind of Art. The art of mutating your own skin to a standard that was right for you.

Doing my best with a foreign tool, I turned my arm over and studied it, finding a good spot I slashed the piece of glass down upon my wrist.

Synopsis

“There’s something in you that really needs to be told; have you been hurt before Mi?”

“We’ve all been hurt Esmee.”

“Yes but that doesn’t make it OK.”

After an almost successful suicide attempt fifteen year old Mia Dorado finds her self plunged into Apple gate house a children’s psychiatric Unit to get better and start to rebuild her life again. The trouble is Mia has a past that haunts her and isn’t even sure she wants to get better. Will Apple gate house be able to convince Mia that her life is worth living? Or is it all ready too late for her?

Esmee Bear is a well loved Staff nurse that has worked faithfully with her husband Emmet for five years in Apple gate house children’s psychiatric unit. She looks after the children in her care with an intense passion however Esmee has a past too…

And there is something different about Mia Dorado from the very beginning, like there may be something a whole lot more involved in this fragile girl’s short life.



*Disclaimer: Any other book, films, shops, brands or products mentioned in this story are not owned by me in any ways shape or form. Including the Twilight Saga and any of it’s characters who belong to the extremely talented Stephenie Meyer, (Seriously these books changed my life) and the Harry Potter books and any of it’s characters they belong to the also extremely talented J.K Rowling

** I would also like to point out that i am not a medical professional and any medical procedures, illnesses described or treatments mentioned are not in any means based on fact. In fact i am sure that most of them don't exsist at all. The story is fiction! It is all just imagination and sometimes very basic internet research. 

** this story is not for children! It contians graphic details on suicide, self harm, eating disorders and child abuse from the begining all of which could be considered very upsetting. Do not read if you are offended easily or easily upset. thank you