“I am not beautiful I said
sternly towards Emmet. He casual use of what was so obviously a blatant lie irritating
me. “Some people can turn cracks and scars into something stunning,” I carried
on slowly, still finding it almost wired at how the words felt when my head
formed them. “I know some people can just sparkle and shine and the cracks on
make them brighter but others are just broken apart beyond help or repair or
beauty and I am one of them. I don’t get how you do it or why even. You are
both the most caring, loving, amazing people I know and you are still here. You
still think that I am worth compassion and understanding. Now I am thankful
that you think I am worth fighting for. I am thankful that you have tried to
save me and I wish I could get better but some people don’t achieve victory
over time and I am one of them, so you have to let me go now.” I tried to stay
sternly even though my voice shook somewhere under what I was saying. I had
almost believed that I had had a chance when I was on the beach with Esmee the
night before. The feeling of hope inside me had not been faked, but hope was
devastating. With hope things became even more painful when you realised it was
a lie, just a semi fantasy to make you smile for a little bit.
“I’m giving up, I will not win, I
cannot fight. The war is lost.” I said weekly to confirm for me that no matter
what fights I had won the war had been lost. Sophie could have me and the vultures
could pick apart my corps I was not standing up to be knocked over again. I
could feel my body shut down again as I let the meaning of the words infect it
and I let myself curl up into a ball and lie down on the floor. My eyes closed
last and I had every intention of them staying that way. I willed my breathing
to stop and for my heart to beat its last and for a few seconds - A few glorious
painless moments of existence - I thought that they might just give up.
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