Chapter 233 : Multiple organ failure

 

It took about Twenty minutes to get to the beach and time we got there as expected it was completely dark. Esmee pulled up into a car parking space that overlooked the sea which could be heard before it was seen because of the blackness. Even so, I had to restrain myself so I didn’t follow my heart that had already leapt out of the car and was now somewhere drifting half way over the ocean.

 I whimpered quietly under my breath as the car I was in suddenly felt a lot smaller compared to the vastness that was just outside the steel door. I could run away, I wanted to run away and then I could swim until the waves took me under, until I saw Arabella’s face again smiling in front of me. Drowning seemed like a painful way to go, but it would have been worth it. I would never see her face again without consenting to feel some pain.

 “We could get out if you wanted to,” Esmee offered. “I mean it will be cold and everything but I have got a whole mountain of blankets in the boot that will be good at keeping us warm. We could go and sit down on the beach, for a little while anyway.”

 I was out of the car before Esmee had finished talking, my body braced up against the chilling breeze that made goose pimples rise over my skin and my teeth chatter together in a protest until it was almost painful but I didn’t care. The pain almost helped. Pain I could deal with.

 

“Come on sweet,” Esmee said wrapping one of the thickly woven blankets she had retrieved from the boot over my shoulders before pulling one over hers and heading down to the steps that lead to the beach while holding onto me with one hand to make sure I didn’t fall.

 

Esmee spread one of the blankets down on the ground when she had found a good spot and gestured for me to sit which I did. She sat down next to me resting her weight back on her hands so she could look up at the glistening stars and moon above which sent a dim sliver glow across the whole beach as the moon played upon the surface of the ocean. I on the other had chosen to sit in my usual ball with my chin wrested against my knees, wishing my spirit to escape while it had the choice. There had been a fleeting moment when I almost chose to snuggle close to her, so I could feel the warmth of her skin next to my freezing exterior but I had pushed it away as a bad idea. In a ball - defenses up to the world - still felt like where I belonged the most.

 

“It’s stupid,” I moaned eventually more to myself than Esmee. “No matter how hard I try to run, no matter how big or beautiful a place is, it is never big enough for me or vast enough for me to feel better.  I keep thinking that these places will be slightly easier for me to breathe in. that when I am away from everything the crushing feeling inside my chest will go away… but it doesn’t. How the hell can I live with that inside with me all the time? How the hell can I just live when the only thing that makes me feel better is metal under my skin?” I moaned two tears dripping out from under my eyes. “The thing is I could make the pain go away. If I just swam into that ocean and never looked back, I could forget everything that I feel. There will be no fairy tale ending waiting over that ocean, but I swear I should at least go looking for it.”

 

“It does get better,” Esmee said firmly pulling herself upright so she was sat up next to me. I should have known that she would have been listening to every word I said. “I know it seems imposable now but it does get easier and this big black thing you call life can be worth living.” Esmee sighed; taking hold of one of my hands under the blanket. I admired her courage. I admired her strength and I knew she had been in pain too. The number twenty three still resounded in my head every time I looked too deep into her eyes. She had a past, but even so it gave me no hope. Just because she had tried to kill herself didn’t mean she cut her skin and enjoyed it. It didn’t mean she went to war everyday with the food that was put in front of her. Esmee had hope; she had only ever been screwed up in one way. It was like her kidney had given out. A Doctor could fix that with stitches and medicines however was in multiple organ failure. There was no chance then. I would not make it out alive. Weather it was then or in a few years’ time, I would die eventually from it.

 “I know you survived Esmee, but that doesn’t mean it gets better for all of us,” I groaned softly as wave after salty wave crashed into the beach around me sending a refreshing mist over my face that tasted like tears. “You’re lovely, lovely women,” I whispered gently. My tears began to mix with the mist then and as an instinct to find my soul some comfort I moved my body closer to Esmee’s under the blanket wrapping my arms around one of hers and wresting my head up against her shoulder. “You’re lovely and that is why you have no idea why I can’t be saved. I mean if the suicide attempts don’t kill me the self-harm will…”

 “And the anorexia is more likely to kill you then all of it put together.” Esmee confirmed chirping in to my thoughts in a matter of fact way, so I was a little taken aback.

 

“You see there’s no hope,” I moaned.

“I didn’t say that.”

 “Then tell me one person you know Esmee that self-harms like me, and beats down all the voices and shit inside them that says eating is bad every day so they don’t starve to death. Tell me one person who has done or is doing all of that and is living a normal, happy life that they enjoy and want to live.”