Chapter 237 : Nothing changes regardless

 

  The next morning I woke up to find myself in Dream, with the same light dancing over my face and the same noises from the little corridor that I had walked up a thousand times. The room was a little different now of course and I smiled as I looked around at the puppies and kittens that where not residing on my walls but my hips still hurt the same like they did every morning from where they had rubbed on the corners of the mattress. Downstairs the familiar clangs and smashes of plates and cutlery could be heard from members of staff setting up the breakfast table. I didn’t know what I was expecting really. Esmee had made it quite clear that nothing would change overnight but I had so wanted it to.

 I sighed feeling cranky from my broken night’s sleep of nightmares as I heaved my heavy body out of the bed and pulled back the curtains. At this time of the morning and at night was when I hated the Unit the most. These were the times when the car park was empty and the lights where off in the out patients building next door. At night was when the  amber security lights blinked from on top of the gates the brightest, suggesting something scary lurked inside. In the mornings the birds sang from the tree tops before speeding their wings and flying away over the fences and alarms that kept the rest of us trapped inside like brutal dogs in a cage. Too dangerous to mix with the “real” people in the “real” world.

 I wrapped myself up tight in my dressing gown groaning at the lack of belt to keep me warmer and glanced in the mirror at my face. How I hated that face.  My tube had moved in the night and I had been bleeding from that nostril so I now had a scummy dried layer of blood down to my bottom lip. My Hair had taking a battering from the tossing and turnings of my nightmares and of course I still had the white scar to remind me that not all nightmares where just confined to when I slept. That face could have gone away and never came back for all that I cared; it held nothing but pain for me.

 Frustrated with my reflection I yanked the tube back over my ear and smoothed down the tape to the side of my face. It didn’t do much good though, one of the nurses would have to sort it out properly after breakfast which might or might not involve putting in a new one altogether. I had gone through no less than four NG tubes being pushed down my throat whilst in the unit. Bella told me I was on my last chances. Next time it would be a trip to the hospital where I would be put to sleep and wake up with a tube coming from my tummy. I shivered but pushed it aside. It would be OK, they wouldn’t do that to me. They were making me fat enough as it was.

 I yanked my fingers through my hair, pulling out a fair amount into my hands. There was a time when that would have been blamed on malnutrition but that wasn’t the case now. It was painfully obvious that I was getting fatter; everything had got bigger in the mirror. Even my fat had blubber stuck to it now. There was nothing malnourished or shiny about me anymore. I was messy and bunged up.  The hair I had pulled out had been due to brute force; I had never really liked it anyway. Lies.

 “Ugly fat bitch.” I moaned licking my finger and scraping at the dried blood on my face.

“Ugly, fat, dumb, stupid bitch.” I spat at my reflection once more before reaching out my hand and clawing the reflection in front of me hoping that somehow I would actually claw at my face. No nothing changed regardless of little victories. I was still fat, dumb Ugly Mi.