Chapter 236: what dreams are made of

 Esmee took me back to the enclosed space that was the unit about an hour after she told me about my victory and I scampered up the stairs into my room without trying to see the rest of the unit around me. I had no real want to go back into the cell that had become my room but at least it was secure in there and if I was super quite it would be a while before anyone knew that I was back and wanted to know why I had been away in the first place, however when I entered dream I was almost weakened to my knees.

It was different in there from when I left. Apart from the pair of off white slippers I had left in the middle of the floor and my cordless dressing gown draped over the end of my bed I had left it with no personality or character. The room was as clean and as numb as I felt, like a ghost and not a teenager had been haunting in there for the last four months, now it was a room different and alive in so many ways it actually made me breathless to witness it.

The posters that I had bought on my birthday shopping trip had now been hung with blue tack against the walls. On the little storage shelf my music player had been set up and the four shiny new books that I had bought where lined up on the shelf with my older well-loved books next to them. The old wardrobe was the same but inside folded neatly on the shelf’s and hung on plastic hangers my new cloths where left proudly.  A duvet was now laid across my bed supporting the spotty duvet cover and a kitten fleece blanket folded at the end instead of the generic itchy hospital blanket. Above the bed was a picture that I hadn’t bought which stated the words “You are braver then you believe, stronger then you seem and smarter than you think.” (Winnie the pooh quote)

 

My eyes filled with tears before I could stop them as my heart pounded inside of my chest loudly. It was nothing that special in reality but to me it was the most beautiful amazing sight that I had ever come across and it had been done for me, even in my absence I had been thought about. A spot that was alive and meant something for some reason that I couldn’t explain had been created in the world for me. I had never had anywhere that I fitted until then and suddenly it had arrived.  It may have been in the cell type ward of a psychiatric unit but it was there.

“Do you like what we did then?” Esmee asked gently knocking on the already ajar door before walking into my room.

“It’s perfect,” I shuddered through my teeth as I turned to look at her, two tears leaking from my eyes. “It’s beautiful. I have never had a place like this planed out for me in the world. Do I deserve this?”

“No you don’t. You deserve so much more than this, but it was the best that we could do whit what we were given, so I think we did a good job.”

“It’s amazing, I love everything about it. I don’t recognize this picture though I said pointing to the one above my bed. It’s amazing and beautiful. It looks handmade though, why would anyone waste their time making me something as perfect as this?”

“It’s a birthday present from the unit. Anybody who could did something to it. Bella, Summer and Connor put in most of the work. A.J colored a lot of the background. Jack colored that little butterfly. He tried to do more but found it too much but you know what it’s like. Mark tried to draw Tigger but even he admitted that it wasn’t so good so we sort of turned it into a fat cat.  Ellie, Echo and I did most of the lettering and Jean and her husband made the frame for it. There isn’t any glass in there though so you will have to be gentle with it. The quote is from Winnie the pooh.

I knew it was a dramatic action when I did it but I couldn’t keep my body standing any longer as I landed in a heap on my bed, pulling my knees up to my chest and holding them there. It was times like that that I hated my extra weight the most. I could still get small when I tried to get into my ball but whether anyone else could see it or not to me I felt I took up twice as much space in the world, even more so when I wanted to hide the most.

“All this is really hard for you to except isn’t it, that there are people out there that want to do nice things for you?”

“I don’t deserve anything nice. I destroy everything and everyone that comes anywhere near me. No one has ever wanted me. No one has ever cared enough to do anything for me. I don’t understand this,” I moaned trying to make my ball tighter even though I turned my head onto the side so I could look at Esmee out of one eye even though the tears still crept down over the side of my face.

“Mi, just because people have never treated you right it doesn’t mean that you’re the bad person.” Esmee smiled as she leant over and wiped the tears off of my cheek with her thumb. “I have never met anyone like you. You have changed me into a better person then I was. You touch people and they want to do nice things for you. I know that your opinion on yourself won’t change overnight and accepting this will be hard but I hope that for the sake of people who like you. You will except this room and the picture and be happy that it’s here. You think you could try that?”

“I’m sorry; yes of course I sound so un-grateful. It is amazing, I love this room. I never had something so nice done for me.”

“Well you are on fire today. Two little victories in one day; that’s impressive.”

“You seem to be forgetting the nebulizer, the restraint, the need for heavy sedation, the fractured wrist and my most recant brake down,” I smiled wiping my tears from my eyes with the side of my hand before hissing as the pain splintered up through my wrist.

“Be gentile,” Esmee instructed in a friendly tone taking my wrist gently into hers and lowering it into my lap. “Yes those things sucked what you mentioned and that wrist is going to hurt like hell for a few weeks but it doesn’t take away from the achievements you have made. I know it sounds weird but sometimes you have to take a few steps backwards to go forwards.”

Esmee tapped the top of my leg gently and got to her feet with a smile before going over to my wardrobe and throwing over a pair of pajamas that landed on my bed. “They are going to be calling time in the lounge soon anyway and you look shattered. Try and some sleep, Emmet and I are back tomorrow on early’s so we will both be here when you wake up Ok. You did well today honey you should be very proud of yourself.