Chapter 228 : Razors and lullabies

Welcome to Cutters paradise… everything in the major’s room was a weapon to use. Sharp corners, a lose metal screw in the chair, pins from the notice board, scissors from the work station and maybe scalpels, the yellow sharps box, a bed to cut off fingers. I clocked them all instantly working out exactly how much time Esmee and the rest of them would have to be distracted for me to get to each one. A few seconds for the pins and the lose metal screw sticking out of the chair, maybe thirty seconds for the sharp corners  because it would take a while for them to go through skin. A minute for the scissors and the scalpels, maybe two for the sharps box but their gifts would bring greater relief.

 “Not going to happen honey,” Esmee smiled grabbing one of my arm as my instincts dragged me towards the supply’s trolley, apparently she had already summed up the “Gifts” ticking them all off on her mental risk assessment.

 

“Please.” I asked my voice braking as I glanced over at her and then down to my arms swearing that I was going to see the skin bubbling and blistering from the acid that now seemed to be running through them. “Please,” I whined my breath shaky as the tears danced in front of my eyes. “Please.” I know I sounded like a fool but I wasn’t above begging if begging was all that I had left to stop me from going insane. I was not like the noble hero in films and books. I was the one that ran for cover and hid in the cupboards. I would be the one that the viewers scoffed at.

 

"It will feel better honey, we will work on this with you and we will get through it but not by cutting yourself.”

 

Esmee was so confident that she could achieve imposable things I found it almost crazy. Nothing would calm me now; nothing could make me feel better. I had no idea why she saw such hope in the hopeless. No matter how much I wanted her to be - no matter how hard I tried to believe in her I knew she was not enough to defeat the monsters inside me.  

 

“Esmee; I have too.” I whined again my feet walking automatically forwards to where the storage unit was but of course she caught me, her arms making me immobile for a second like roots rising from the ground to paralyze me. If I hadn’t felt so bad, if I hadn’t been sure that I would die I wouldn’t have minded too much. To be still because I was locked in with Esmee wasn’t sure a horrible idea.

 

“You don’t honey. Lie down on the bed Mi, curl up tight; it will help.” I looked at her suspiciously from under my eyelashes. Lying down wouldn’t help me, she had no idea.

 

“Trust me honey.”   

 

It was stupid but I did it, I had no argument to go against what she said and no power to find my own way out alive she was all there was in the end.

 

I brought my knees up to my chest and curled my arms around them and prayed to find relief like Esmee had promised, but they ached with the excess blood that pressed against the surface of my skin It would be so easy to let it out. I yelped. Esmee tried to hide a wince behind a soft smile.

 

“Is there something I can do Esmee? My prescription pads yours right now, the doctor named Leo said softly. He came closer to my side and took my hand into his pressing two fingers against the throbbing of the blood pushing forcibly under the surface of my skin. I had to pull it away from him before he was done counting. It was uncomfortable to feel how close my blood flowed next to the skin yet how it was so hopelessly hidden underneath its protective layer. It hid to survive, but I just didn’t care.

 

“I don’t want to use a sedative yet Leo, I’m not saying it wouldn’t help right now but we can deal with this anyway without drugs” Esmee said confidently with a smile. “What you could do is get me some ice cubes a bright red pen and maybe a magazine if you have one, or a book, or a pack of cards.” Esmee came over to the bed and tried to detach my teeth from the flesh on my hands. As a result she mostly just got drooled on; I had gone into hamster mode and I was not letting go for anyone. She gave up in the end deciding that my teeth were a sacrifice she would have to make on this one even though I could tell that she was not happy about it.

 

“Sure thing, I will get a nurse on the case right away but first off can I just put this one on your finger please?” Leo asked me, as he pulled the cramped up fingers on my right hand out of their ball. I hissed as the pain made its self-known again, pulsating up my wrist into the for-arm.    

 

“Was that painful?” Leo asked, examining the limb.

 

“That’s the original reason why we are here,” Esmee answered for me knowing that there was no way that my vocal cords would let me do anything other than scream or shout at that stage. “She hurt her wrist back at the unit. Emmet and I had a look and we both think that there is probably a fracture in her far right metacarpal but as we don’t have ex-ray vision and Mi has osteoporosis we decided that here would be the best bet to treat her.”  

 

“Good call,” Leo nodded before taking my other hand into his and brushing his eyes over the both of them. In the end he attached the clip to my good hand. “It does look a little swollen. Have you been sent through for an X-ray Esmee?”

 

“Yeah we are just waiting for the results; it doesn’t help that the nurse wouldn’t give Mi any pain relief.”

 

“Why the hell not? Fractures hurt like hell.”

 

“She has overdose status on the records. They have blocked the nurses from handing out drugs.”

 

“Ok… so she has poor Liver function,” Leo reasoned to himself  while Esmee  shook her head with a smile touching her lips like what she was saying was part of an inside joke.

 

“Then why the… Look it doesn’t even matter. I will prescribe some Codeine. In the meantime Though Mi you really need to try and calm down. Your heart is doing a Samba in there from all of this stress.”

 

He said it like he was easy and in a way it would have been. If he gave me what I truly needed which wasn’t ice, playing cards or bright red pens I could have calmed down for him in time. I could open my mouth and talk to him without the fear of screaming in his face. I could and would become half way to human again. The razors kiss was all that was needed to destroy and save me in seconds.

 

“Please Esmee! Please!” I begged again as my lungs felt like they swelled even more against my ribs. I twisted in my ball gaging into my hands trying to shift the sick feeling that was sitting at the top of my tummy. Vomit would have been a poor substitution for the red gold but I couldn’t scoff at it then. It was something.

 

“Are you going to be sick Mi?” Esmee asked, pulling the hair out of my face as she propped a bowl under my chin and rubbed big circles into my back as she tried to sooth me with her words even though I couldn’t understand what she was actually saying. Everything hurt too much to be healed by what she said anyway.  She was amazing and I knew that but self-harm overshadowed her by a long shot.

 

“This is fucking ridiculous!” I growled rocking my body back and forth on the bed as fast as I could as I dry heaved over and over again into the bowl paying that something would make the pain go away. “It hurts to much! I want it to stop now!” I protested.

 

“Ok Mi, you need to stay still for me for thirty seconds, I’m going to make the pain go away, I promise,” I heard Leo say softly from the side of my bed. I stopped moving just long enough to feel the sting of a needle going into the top of my arm and I smiled. I never liked sedation but it felt like he might have just saved me. There was no way out of that one without blood or drugs and Leo had chosen the one that would hurt them less and stop my pain. He really had done me a favor.

 

“What I just gave you was a sedative OK?  You are going to start to feel sleepy really quickly but there is no need to be scared. We are going to keep you safe in the hospital here with us until the effects wear off. Are you starting to feel sleepy yet darling?” I nodded at Leo unable to speak as the heavy haze started to cut the intense feelings off from around my body and send me into a sleep.  “Ok, it’s going to be fine. Have sweet dreams honey. It will all be over when you wake up.”