Chapter 226: Girl on fire

Bad blood… it came down to that all of the time. It was the blood that was circling inside of me, pushing at the walls of my veins that made me feel so sick. At least that was what I told myself. I told myself that it was the blood that was bad and that was actually a defence because it was something I could cure. Even if it was just for a fraction of a moment, if it was blood that was the problem I could make the problem go away. It was a simple as pressing pointed steel into my skin. However there was now even a problem with that. Fate could twist so fast that I could never understand it. The salvation that I had found in Esmee could turn into my downfall in seconds when my skin a pointed metal was involved. She was my protector, from everything… Including myself.   

 

Cutting would have been glorious and I needed to do it. The fact I was in a room full of people some of which were children was not perfect by any means. It was not something to be viewed by onlookers, but never the less bad blood had to be dealt with before it chewed at you, and you fell away completely. That wasn’t mentioning the pain that travelled with it, the slow blistering burning that was your blood turning into battery acid. By the rest of the world whose blood was clean the thought of losing it was horrific  but to me the thought that it might stay inside me forever, pressing like lava and the surface of my skin made me want to scream, and I almost did.

 I reached for Esmee instinctively with surprised me. She was the very opposite of what my soul and skin craved in equal measure. There was absolutely nothing sharp, harsh and cold about Esmee. She was the plush on a teddy bear; she was honey dripping from a spoon and candy floss wound onto a stick. Esmee was everything that you loved, but feared that in the end wold make you sick. She was all I had.

 I tried to stop my body from trembling as I clenched the fingers of both my good and bad hands into the fabric of her top. The pain it caused my wrist not as spectacular as it should have been now that it felt like my very soul was about to go up in flames anyway. The thing was if I could have I would have remained strong for Esmee, the hug that I had embraced her in one of reassurance and gesture then that of complete desperation. I already knew somewhere deep inside that Esmee was not going to be able to chase the monsters away or put out the inferno that crept around my insides but we all tried to ease our suffering when we felt it. It was like screaming and crying. The act of it would not actually make the pain any less or make your loved one return but we all did it anyway… just in case.

 “Mi you’re shaking honey - It’s all OK now though, no one is going to hurt you anymore. You don’t have to be scared; it’s all going to be OK.”

 It was reasonable to expect that response from Esmee considering what had just happened. Fear would have been an acceptable emotion but I had long since given up really fearing for my survival in the world. I had been scared. I had been terrified for the safety of Esmee   but she would be ok now, unless I went mental, transformed into the creature that flowed in me. I was set up to be exactly like my mother. I was set up to be everything that I hated.

 "I’m not scared,” I whispered close to Esmee’s ear, “I have to cut,” I moaned the agony inside me demanding that one way or another someone else should know about the poison in my blood.  “I really need to cut.”