Chapter 221: this too shall pass

 “Well you know the deal,” The nurse finally said, handing me a red card with my name and date of birth written on the top. “Head off down to X-ray then come back and take a seat in the waiting room. The doctor will call you when he can, it may be a bit of a wait though,” Kim almost growled as she trusted the form into Esmee’s hands.

“I’m not allowed to give you Paracetamol or ibuprofen though, it’s written down not to,” Kim smiled. It seemed that the only thing that would soften her up was the fact that I was going to spend the foreseeable near future in a great deal of pain; and this woman was a nurse?

 I got up silently and edged towards the door that Esmee held open for me and slipped through before turning around and trying to judge how big my body had to be to get through the gap. Of course it was almost impossible to judge, but I had little else to go on those days. I had been 94lb around six stone ten, but that was ten days ago, so it might as well have been  ten years for all the accuracy it really had now.   If I had my choice I would still be on the scales at least four times a day; making sure that the tiny little red needle headed down and not up.  All I knew now was six ten had terrified me and now I was bigger, probably by a good couple of pounds. I felt like screaming, at that rate I would be at least seven stone probably more by the end of the month.

 We reached the X-ray waiting room before I even had time to register that we were moving and Esmee handed the big red form over to another bored looking receptionist that sat behind a window in a wall Chewing on gum. He whacked details of patients into the computer, before pointing impatiently at a sign for Esmee to read; “seen in order of priority and not arrival”.  It might as well have said “You will get seen when you get seen, so stop bothering the gum chewing receptionist, it throws him off his chewing record.”

 “Come on honey, take a seat.” Esmee said sweetly after she pulled a face at the receptionist behind his back and growled something to herself about any trained monkey…

“I’m sorry they can’t give you any pain killers Mi, I am sure the doctor will prescribe something you can take though, just try to keep it as still as possible and it won’t hurt as much.” She said gently stroking her fingertips very softly over the top of the dark red bruise that had already formed there.

 The truth was I hardly noticed the pain in my wrist. It grumbled somewhere under the surface as another annoyance amongst everything, but it was not hurting like it should have been and I knew pain killers would not make any difference; well not in the quantities they planned to give them to me anyway.

 Stiffly I curled my good hand underneath the bottom of the red plastic waiting room chair until it went numb and stared not blinking at the plain cream wall opposite me, trying not to pay any attention to Esmee or anything else. There used to be a time when inducing the numbness to come that way was easy; almost instinctual.  However now it would not come and before I knew it far from becoming emotionless I felt great waves of wet tears splash down over the side of my face and no matter how much I tried I could not stop my bottom  lip turning down and my chest heaving upwards. What was worse was I could not run and I could not hide as my eyes became paralyzed on the spot on the wall, something inside still believing that if I concentrated enough I could stop the pain that engulfed me right then. What was even worse than that was the fact the outburst of tears had no real trigger, and I had no answer to give Esmee when she inevitably asked me “what was wrong.”

 “You’re OK honey,” Esmee said gently releasing my fingers from under the rim of the plastic chair and squeezing them in her hand instead, while her other hand came up and brushed the tears off of my face with her fingertips.  I turn to look at her; the brief seconds of eye contact burning something in the back of my head.

“You’re going to be OK,” She confirmed softly but confidently smiling gently as she continued to brush the tears drops away from the side of my face. “It will pass soon, I promise.”

“Why am I crying, I hate this!” I moaned to her, she seemed to know more about my inability to become numb than I did, “What is wrong with me?”

 Esmee laughed gently; “Why do you think there is something wrong with you? Why do you need a reason to be unhappy? These things just happen sometimes. I get it, and it’s better than trying to keep it locked away.   All you have to do is hold on tight Mi,” Esmee promised giving my hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance, “I promise this to will pass.”