Chapter 220: My undeniable protector

Mi

 

“Mia Dorado!” A broad shouldered, stern faced Nurse shouted scanning the waiting room 0f the A&E for me about twenty minutes after Esmee had signed me in at the reception. The receptionist had been a nice looking elderly woman who regarded me with kind eyes as Esmee turned over all my personal information to her with ease and for the first time I hadn’t felt like that my presence in the A&E was about as welcome as finding half a spider in your half consumed salad.  However the nurse that now looked around the waiting room for me looked like she could eat me in one bite and given half the chance she would have quite liked to do exactly that.

 I shrank back into the chair trying to make myself invisible in the face of her, hoping that somehow there was a trap door in the back of the cushion that I could slip my body through into nothingness. or at the very least I hoped I could develop the super power of being able to camouflage myself.  However Esmee had other ideas and with a bright voice she called out that we were coming, before getting to her feet and pulling me up by my good arm so the nurse could see me. Great.

 I heard the nurse huff from over the side of the waiting room as I slowly dragged my feet towards her debating whether I could make a dash for the door before Esmee jumped me from behind. The odds were not good so I continued my slow condemned walk into the triage room hoping for yet more trap doors to develop and take me from the floor instead. No pain could be bad enough for me to face this terrifying nurse head on again.

 I had met this nurse before. I had met Kim Burrows, Senior A&E nurse many, many times before as I found myself falling through the doors of the emergency department. Every time I came her hatred for my frequent attendance grew until I thought I heard her actually threatening to finish the job for me to another nurse if she caught me in there again after trying to end my life. What I most remembered about it was that it hurt and I didn’t really know why. Maybe I had always hoped, just a tiny bit that there where people out there who cared whether I was hurting, whether I was choosing to live or die. That there where people out there who cared whether I was digging metal into my skin just to move through the days. that there where people out there who at least wondered why I went on to tie things around my neck so tight I passed out because in fact nothing made my life worth living.

 “So how can I help you this time?” Kim growled not even bothering to face either Esmee or myself but directing all her anger at the keyboard on the computer in front of her as I took my seat on the very lonely chair next to the desk in the triage room.

 I wasn’t sure what kept me from talking but even though at that moment both Kim and Esmee expected me to talk I could not get the words to come out my mouth. How could I explain to this person - who so clearly hated me - how bad I felt inside? How could I convince her the pain that I had felt, that the crazy shouting in my head had been enough to make me want not only just to brake my wrist but every bone in my body over and over again  until I could become still? She would not understand anyway, I was just there to waste time and money in her eyes.

 “Well Mia!” Kim hissed turning away from the screen in front of her to glare at me. Glancing at the screen I saw she had already wrote “self-inflicted” and “BPD” in the alert box. Was I that stupid and predictable? Something inside me ripped apart, she might as well have written Attention seeking lunatic, Approach with kettle prod for safety. I debated running again.

 “Mi has hurt her hand,“ Esmee said jumping in as she saw the fear in me explode and the tears settle in both my eyes as I stared into Kim‘s eyes like a rabbit would into head lights. “We think she might have fractured the metacarpal on the far right side of her wrist. I am a nurse by the way and not just making this up as I go along” Esmee smiled, her smile which could melt the heart of the wicked witch of the west but still it was not enough to work on the icy features of Kim.

 “I take that it was self-inflicted,” she groaned hitting the keys on her computer so hard I thought she might actually go through them as my inside crumbled more. I pressed my fingers to my eyelids trying to remove the tears in them before they could fall. After all I deserved this. I had done this.

 “Did any of us say that?” Esmee asked confused. “Surly that isn’t something that just should be assumed, anyway, I saw what happened, Mi tripped on the last step of the stairs and fell over landing on her wrist.” Esmee explained coolly winking at me subtly out the corner of her eye.

“I think maybe she could do with some pain medication as well.” Esmee also suggested, her lips creeping up into an amused smile as she saw Kim’s annoyance growing.  Suddenly it had become clear to me that Esmee was annoyed with her too and this was her way of a subtle own back.

 “Of course, I will get some in a bit. “ Kim practically growled while pulling her face up into a sarcastic smile which Esmee returned even though I could see her shoot lightning out of her shouldering black eyes. I knew right then that she was fighting for me, and she always would protect me and save me whenever she could. It wasn’t just because she was a nurse and my name had happened to be pulled out of the hat when I had come to stay. She was pushing forward and taking the bullets without even asking for gratitude from me because for some reason she though that as I person I was worth saving. It was simple in her eyes - I was not a patient or a number on a folder, I was a real living and breathing person with feeling and a soul. It was also simple to me right then too. Esmee had become my undeniable protector.