Chapter 210 : Home?

 

Fourteen days passed in the side ward of the skylight children’s unit. The doctors had planned to send me on my way back to the unit days earlier but an infection in the cuts and a raging temperature of 105 made a discharge impossible. Unsurprisingly the blade that Jo had used to open me up was not sterile and the bacteria bubbled under the surface until it ate at my skin causing holes and yellow puss to flow. There had been talk of ICU as the fever refused to break even after surgery to try and remove some of the most badly damaged tissue but luckily to the doctors surprise on the third day the fever broke and the holes in the cuts started to show some improvement from the various antibiotic and fluids that were being given to me through IV’s. I didn’t remember much apart from the pain, being hot and Emmet and Esmee on the side lines putting in about as much general pediatric nursing as they could  to make sure I always got the fastest response care they that could be provided in a busy children’ ward with over fifty beds with kids from one to seventeen.

 “Hello Mi, just doing my rounds,” A doctor who introduced herself as Amanda Hunt a few days before said as she arrived into my room in a flurry of unexpected movement. “I am hoping to discharge you today as your temperature is down to normal, your blood tests are good and yesterday’s swabs are a lot better. As for your liver function tests things are also looking better. As you know there is some very mild damage to your liver but nothing that needs any immediate treatment and the function results are getting better and better every day so we are hoping that normal function will be regained soon. So if you don’t mind all that’s left to do is have a peek at your wounds to make sure that I am not missing anything obvious then I can send you on your way. So if you’re unit nurse just wants to pop out side for a second we can get started,” Doctor Hunt smiled attaching the file of notes she had been reading from back over the foot of my bed.

 “I will be outside,” Edward confirmed to both the nurse and me as he got to his feet from the reclining chair pulled the blind down on the glass panel in the door to reveal more creepy looking scarecrows and left into the busy corridor.

 “I know you’re not a huge fan of doing this Mi but if you could just pop your top off for me for a second I will be as quick as I can. I will have a look then put another dressing on and if all’s good you can escape if the unit is happy for your return. I am sure the nurses over there will be able to perform your dressing changes when they are required. Probably a lot better than I can if I am honest.”

 I smiled like I was meant to before grabbing at my top and pulling it over my head revealing the tape and bandages that had been holding me together for the last few weeks. He had done this to me; he had torn me apart fourteen short days ago. He was the one that caused the bandages and the yellow puss and all the drips and pills. Inside he had destroyed me, turned me black, dirty and rotten and on the outside he had almost done the same and even now after the physical remains were healing he was humiliating me as I exposed my rather flat undeveloped childlike breasts to a doctor everyday so she could have something to talk about to her other colleagues. “Why would a teenage girl attack her breasts? Why do we have to treat her and save her life if at the first opportunity she will do this all over again?”

 “These are looking almost perfect now Mi,” The doctor said as she gently probed the flesh of my breasts and abdomen with her gloved hands. “There is a lot less discharge from the cuts and what is coming out is mostly clear. They are less red and they no longer feel hot to touch. I am more than happy to get you out of here today my darling. So when you’re ready you can get yourself dressed and your nurse can take you home,” the doctor smiled signing my chart with a flourish before living the room in a swoop.

 Home? Apple gate house was home?

Chapter 209 : Stuck 100 steps away

“You can yell at me now,” I instructed firmly after a doctor had not managed to persuade me to “just drop my legs at the knees and relax” so she could examine me. I was under no illusion as to what she would find up there if she was allowed to explore me. Tares and cuts that made me sore and bits of him left behind slowly socking their way into me. Suddenly I felt the urge to scream and could barely catch it in time to turn it into a yelp.  

 “I said you can yell at me,” I said again as Emmet didn’t move from his position at the boundary of the room.  “You can tell me that I am stupid or I am week or an idiot. You can bang it over my head with a baseball bat at how much of a coward I am. Or you can tell me off for lying to you to get attention.” The last bit hurt the most, scared me and tore me up inside. After all it was true I was week and I was scared and I knew that Jo would be somewhere now in a pub pouring drinks down young girl’s necks in the hope that they would put out Instead of in a police cell. He would get the sex and like the feeling of the sex but it wouldn’t satisfy him fully. Not even my sixteen year old undeveloped body would really make him feel good. He didn’t know why but he craved something younger still, little and pure and not spoilt by their knowledge of sex or what it was, a girl that had barley found her feet and still was trying to get used to the idea of using a potty rather than a nappy, a girl of two or three is what he really craved.

 It should have been easy to own up to the world to shout it from the rooftops about everything he ever did but he scared me and good girls kept silent and walked in the shadows. I was used to being scared and I could put up with anger from Emmet about it however the fact he might be thinking that it wasn’t the police I had lied to but him made me feel like I was braking. I wanted him to believe me, to understand.

 “Well,” I demanded trying to summon the anger to chase away the part of me that wanted to break down.

 “I could indeed tell you all of those things Mi, but in all honestly it would be counterproductive because that’s not how I feel, and as for you lying to me. I have my own ideas and thoughts as to who you were lying to. I just came to see if there was anything at all I could do to help.”

 The anger couldn’t last. There was no one to be angry with now. If he had done what I had been counting on and yelled or told me I had done bad or even gave me a disapproving look I could have coped. I could have ridden my bubble of resentment for the entire world not understanding and not let the sadness chase me down but he had acted in the opposite way. He saved my soul and crushed me in half at the same time and I cried. Big waves of sadness and grief coasting over my body making me shake and sending the tears to my eyes before I even had chance to bury my head into my hands. I was so alone.

 “May I sit?” Emmet asked approaching the side of my bed and gesturing to the corner. I nodded trying to gulp back the tears and become emotionless, he deserved the Mi that everyone really wanted the one with a front to life and a mask set to cam and indifferent .Not the one that bared her ugly soul.

 "You must hate me,” I sobbed

 “No, of course I don’t hate you. I think you are very brave still even if you couldn’t make step one yet,” Emmet said gently as he wrapped his arm around my shaking shoulder and pulled me in closer to his side. I stiffened slightly and he made his grip on me slacker. “I’m safe Mi; I’m Emmet, a safe person.” He reassured with such gentle grace I allowed myself to melt into his side.

Chapter 208 : Emmet's wish

 

“It feels like I have lost this fight

They think that I am staying down

But I'm not giving up tonight

Tonight the wall is coming down

I am stronger than my fears

This is the mountain that I climb

Got 100 steps to go

Tonight I'll make it 99”

One more

Superchick

 

 

“Mi you know I Have to report this. For a start I would be fired, lose my nursing license and quite possibly be arrested if I didn’t, but to be truthfully honest even if that wasn’t what would happen I would do the same thing anyway. He attacked you and raped you and that is not OK. He could get Eight years, longer even for this.”

 

He had no idea, I had read and reread the guidelines over and over again I had toyed with the pages in books and picked through the  internet reading over the things he could have been charged for, Child molestation, rape, selling me for sex, Physical abuse, Neglect . If I spoke up if I said all the right words and the jury believed me over him eight years wouldn’t scratch the surface. Jo would be an old man before he left the prison and that was if he got out of there alive. In prison most rules got blurred the difference between right from wrong constantly off kilter until it came to the molestation of a child. Apparently no one likes a “kiddy fiddler” not even a man who could kill his own mother.

 

“Or they might not believe me, I could tell them the whole truth I could do video links in a pretty little dress and I could tell them about how he held me down and raped me and even with the evidence they could say I was lying.”

 

“We would support you and do everything at the unit to try and make it bearable for you Mi.  Unfortunately the unit has had to deal with a lot of things that has had to go through the courts. Unfortunately you are right we have lost a few cases, there have been more wins and hefty sentences passed down on people, They are punished.”

 

“And I guessed it changed their lives right,” I snapped even though I tried not to, out of all the people to be angry with, out of all the people I shout have raised my voice at and been sarcastic with Emmet wasn’t one of them. He was trying to help me; he had believed me without question however the venom poured from my lips. “I suppose after the people who went to prison they got immediately discharged and all there problems were over. It doesn’t make a difference; it doesn’t change what happened or how it affects you. If you can promise me that I will feel clean if I tell the police, that I will instantly feel better when a key turns in the lock of the prison cells of every last person that ever hurt me I will make you a list of names and I will describe each and every one to the police and I will do as many video link as is needed.” I choked up the anger that had first poured lost somewhere as I realised just what I was saying. There was nothing that would make me feel better. He could rape my mind every day for the rest of my life and I would feel the punches of my skin no matter where he was. Everything would hurt, everything was hopeless.

 

Emmet sat down on the side of my bed as I dropped my head and pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes trying to push the tears back in were they had come from. I had almost preferred the anger even if it had been directed at the wrong person entirely. Emmet was a good person and would forgive me and when the anger was there things weren’t hopeless, now they were. I wanted to die again, wanted to cry until my cheeks were sore.   

 

“I can’t change what happened,” Emmet said softly brushing his fingers through my hair as he spoke. “I wish I could turn back the time and change my decision to let you roam alone. I wish I kept you safe and sound beside us and took you to the park. I wish I could have put you on the swing beside Mia and pushed you both as high as you wanted to go. I wish I could take away just a quarter of your pain but I have no genie in a lap or magic wand to make it all better. You are so brave Mi and you have been hurt far too often. Now I can’t make you feel better and the person who rapped you or the people who abused you as a child being under lock and key will not make the pain go away either, but maybe it will punish them for causing. It’s were they are meant to be. You know what to do and I will support you but it’s up to you now Mi. I won’t lie it will be bloody hard but you can make a step in the right direction. You may have a hundred more to do but today you could make it nighty nine.

Chapter 207 : No one wants to think about it

 

 

“Down On the ocean floor that s where I’m heading for,

Hold on to a sinking stone until the worse is known,

 Nobody wants to think about it

Nobody wants to talk about it

Nobody protects you.”

Nobody wants to

Crowded house

 

 I felt my whole body start to tremble as soon as the words had left my mouth. Even though they were the truth they still seemed so alien as they were spoken. I hadn’t told Emmet to get Joe into trouble; I didn’t want the police or to go to court or for him to rot the rest of his life in prison. I just wanted Emmet not to be disappointed in me; I wanted him to know that when he left me in that town Centre I had had no intention of taking an overdose or of cutting myself. I had been happy, I had been content and he had spoilt everything.

 Emmet’s face had become one of horror before twisting into shock and then into one of deep concern however disbelief never even registered, he knew I wasn’t lying even though he wished I was.

 “I’m sorry.” I whispered though my shuddering breath trying to break the silence that settled upon us but my apology seemed to attract Emmet’s attention.

 “Don’t you dare apologize Mi, this is not your fault, nothing about this is your fault. Now you have done the right thing telling me honey you’re really have and we will punish this man he will never hurt you or anyone else again.

 “No!” I shouted unable to stop my self “ It doesn’t’t matter Emmet, it really doesn’t I just didn’t want you to be disappointed in me anymore or to think it was your fault for leaving me or anything I just wanted you to know the reason why I did what I did, why I had enough. Surly you can see that now; you can see why I wanted it all to be over. I mean what else could I do?”

 “You could of called us Mi, we would of come and got you from wherever you were but that doesn’t matter now, I just want you to describe the person who has done this to you and tell me where you were at the time.”

 I could have done more than describe him, I could have given him a full name and date of birth. I could tell him what size in clothing he took and how he demanded his breakfast in the morning. I could tell him what beer he preferred but only if there wasn’t something stronger on the cards. I could tell him that he could throw me from exactly one end of the living room to the other and with a good solid kick he could propel me through the kitchen under the table and into the back door. That didn’t mean I would tell him any of the above however.

 “No, I’m not doing this Emmet, I am sorry and I know you will have to call the police and they will have to question me and the doctors will want to examine me but that is all ok. I will tell the police I lied to you and they won’t probe to hard because I have a nice new diagnosis of BPD (borderline personality disorder) under my belt where attention seeking happens to be one of the main symptoms. as for the internal I’m pretty sure at my age I can refuse but if I can’t it will come back saying I am no longer a virgin and I will just say I am per miscues and they will believe me. No one wants to believe in such horrors as rape Emmet; and with my excuses they won’t have to.

Chapter 206 : Their invincible spark

 

Mi

 

Somewhere in the background I could hear a low deep beeping that pressed into the side of my head. My body was too heavy to move still, even my eye lids felt like ten ton weights making them almost impossible to open however the waving nausea had settled somewhat and at that very moment the angry twisting pain that had rippled through me making it feel like someone was putting me through a vice was now nothing more than a mildly annoying tummy ach.

 

As my other senses come more alert I found my lack of visual annoying and wrestled my eyes open to reveal the spinning interior of a skylight side ward. The room was painted in exactly the same pink as Dream back at apple gate house however this room had scarecrow curtains up to the windows and there was also a big cheery looking sun with a face painted into it looking at me on the wall opposite my bed. I Gathered that it was meant to be cute an added little touch of effort of the children’s behalf. It seemed stupid when you thought about it though. “Hay-ho sorry little Beth you may have terminal cancer at the grand old age of just six but at least there is a sun with a face on it in your room.”  

 

“Good morning honey.” I head Emmet say gently somewhere to the right of me at which I turned my head but wished I didn’t as it felt like someone had stabbed a letter opener into my head as I did it. “If anyone asks I’m not doing this,” Emmet said smiling as he adjusted the cannula in the back of my hand. “I think you may have had a bad dream or something; you dislodged it when you were sleeping and as I could sort it out without getting one of the already overworked ward nurses I thought I would,” He said gently as he started wrapping a light bandage around my hand to keep it in place.

“How is your pain now?”

 

Everything hurt from top to toe still but it wasn’t like the agony that I had felt before, just a dull ach of poison fighting with cure to see who the ultimate victor would be in the end; life fighting with death.

 

“The general for what it would be after you took too many tablets.”

 

“I would imagine you feel like shit then to put it bluntly, however you do look in less pain then you did back in A&E.”

 

“A lot less,” I agreed.

 

“Oh Mi why did you do it and out of all things why take the ibuprofen? You know two hundred Paracetamol would be enough to kill you and you also know the ibuprofen won’t normally do any lasting damage. It just causes chronic pain, sickness and seizures, why did you want to cause yourself so much pain?”  Emmet sighed his whole body deflating as he talked.

 

It was true I had known what the ibuprofen was going to do but I hadn’t remembered exactly how painful it could have been and I had almost forgotten what it was like to throw up every few seconds and at the time of taking them I had wanted to punish…him and as I was unable to throw a few hundred Ibuprofen down his throat, mine seemed like the second best idea.

 

“You have never cut on your breasts before either Mi, and never as bad as that on your tummy.” Emmet moaned his voice full of sadness before he turned away to look distantly at the wall, “Mi did you deceive both of us? I mean where you not having a good time out, did you have it planned to hurt yourself all the time?  I mean was there something we could have done to prevent it? Emmet asked his face disappointed with me and himself, like he expected more from me, and there it was, crystal clear now, Jo was doing it all over again; destroying everything from inside me for his few minutes of twisted fun, but now there was also something different. There was the invincible spark that was inside me that Emmet and Esmee put there and even though it was only little, it now   fought back making the words tumble from my mouth.

 

“When you left me, he found me. When he found me… He raped me.”