Chapter 262 : Circling the drain

Mi

*Very distressing, read with care

Things had changed when Emmet walked back into the ECA again. I felt no immediate rush of relief that I was no longer lost to grey foam I felt no need for him to be sat next to me or for him to hold my hand. I had wanted all of those things before because I had wanted him to make the pain go away and now it had. I knew what had happened I knew where I was and how things were going to go but I was numb to the world and its attacks. I did not feel pain or sadness… or love or hope or joy. Emmet was just a generic man to me. Six foot six. Muscular with tattoos. He had jade eyes. He wore old blue jeans that where scuffed at the knees and feet and on top he wore a short sleeved grey t-shirt that pulled at the stitching on the sleeves that stuck  to his biceps. Alice – who had followed him in - was the same just a bunch of features with no centre , no soul. Everyone had died without me knowing. I had watched the end of the world from the corners of a padded room and had nothing to feel about it. 

“I’m sorry that I left you Mi. That wasn’t Particularly nice thing to do but I wasn’t quite sure how to react to what you were saying  and I feared that I might have been putting you in danger,” Emmet said as he walked past me and over to the concealed door in the side of the room before sliding his card through the reader and letting the room open with a pop the groaning of the extractor fan filling the ECA. I felt my heart thud strangely in my chest as I comprehended what the gesture meant and some sort of diluted feeling temporarily infiltrated my blood stream before it died down again. I was sure he was doing to try and be nice to hand the power over to me that had once been taken away. He was trying to ease a pain that I couldn’t feel anymore. “I have also asked Alice to come and sit in with me because of some of the things that you were asking me to do. I think it is important that we have a female with us while we talk to protect us both.” He meant to protect him. To make sure that I didn’t spill dirty little lies about him having sex with me that could compromise his position. He didn’t feel sorry for me he thought I was a freak that would push for sympathy and attention at any cost and it … hurt?

“Has someone done all those horrible things to you before Mi?”  Emmet asked

A thousand different times flashed though my head in less than a second. Most where of them where fragmented, just brief glimpses into the situation before my brain close the curtains to the horror show so not even I could remember it. Maybe none of it was real. Maybe I watched too much TV or read too many books. Maybe my whole life was just a nightmare and I would wake up soon somewhere else.

“It’s OK to tell me.  I won’t get mad or make you explain anything to me that you don’t want to. I know that you must feel very scared.”

“I don’t feel scared,” I muttered quietly as I gazed directly forward not bothering to make eye contact with Emmet as I spoke. I wasn’t sure how I even found the words to tell him about my lack of feeling but somehow he needed to know. It was like I was proud of it, though it all I still had the means to become uncomfortably numb.

“OK, maybe you could tell me how you do feel. Before I left you described feeling very intense pain which was actually quite clear to see by the way you were reacting. You don’t seem to be experiencing those fillings with such intensity now.”

“I don’t feel anything now. There’s nothing left. It’s hard to explain, there’s just …”

“You’re feeling a bit numb? Is that better or worse or are they about the same?” Emmet asked as he sat down next to me on the floor and offered out his hand for me. Less than half an hour ago I would have squeezed them as tight as my hands would have let me but I could only stare at them now, like I was confused what he wanted from me. He removed the offer with a small sigh and placed them down by his side and remained silent waiting for the time to tick away. He had no answers and neither did I. We were lost.  

“They all happened, repeatedly. I was three years old the first time. Fifteen when it stopped.”

“Was it someone you knew, did they live in the house with you?” It was just his way of asking for a name. Someone he could point at and blame and a name he could drag through the courts while I appeared on a video link in a pretty pink dress and told them about all the times he touched me or kissed me or fucked me. I would have to convince twelve strangers in suites that I wasn’t making up lies. That I didn’t want attention, that I didn’t lay down in lace panties and bra and beg him to fuck me.

The idea made the feelings come back. Another series of images flashing in front of my mind of the times he had not made me numb, the times when he had woken me up and made me feel everything. The thing is they weren’t all bad, sometimes with the ripping came the wired pleasure too. The feeling that would make my body rive is something other than pain. It was his excuse. He said I enjoyed it too that when he was gone I would one day wish that someone else could fuck me like he did.

I felt joy, I felt pain, I felt fear, I felt sadness, I felt anger, I felt dirty and disgusting… everything.

I got to my feet without speaking anymore as I tried to gasp air into my lungs that was no longer in the room and stumbled around disorientated wondering what part of me to hold together first as my arms legs chest stomach and head pulled in different directions. I could feel vomit rise in my mouth at the same time as urine ran down the side of my legs and into my PJ bottoms while my head kept snapping through a hundred snap shots a second that tried to take me to the floor. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I wanted to run but I was trapped.

“Mi, it’s all right, you’re safe here, it’s OK try and take some breaths,” Emmet tried to say calmly as he watched my out of control body fall apart. He fort with himself too as he watched on. A part of him was desperate to reach out and conceal the avalanche of emotion inside of his arms.  It was like if he could take the impact of the snow drift of feelings he might not survive but I would, however he was now more than ever very aware of what he was. A man.

“Step in,” he barked at Alice who was still standing by the door even if she now looked horrified at what she was seeing. It was a cruel demand of her, she had no better idea of what to do then he did. Her only advantage she really had when it came down to it was the fact she had boobs and a vagina.

Finally after what felt hours of no air and no sound my lungs worked out hot to take a gasp of air and my tears broke through with the screaming. My legs stumbled towards the bathroom as there point of call. I wasn’t sure why they felt that was where they should go. Maybe it was because it was the only open door and there was a bright light on behind it. It could have signified escape. It could have meant that I was a dirty diseased infested fly that was attracted to the light.

I heaved hard over the toilet allowing the vomit to splash into the bottom of the below at the same time as blood began to pour from the end of my nose to mix in the toilet which for some reason made me cry harder. My body was disintegrating and I had lost all control over its actions. It was terrifying and it felt like I was going to die from the pressure and pain that pressed on every atom of me.

After I was sick again I fell to my knees and crawled with my last energy to the corner of the bathroom doubled as wet room and smashed the button making the hot jets of water burst into life and soak my cloths before I lied down on the floor in a tight ball and watched as the water turned red before circling the drain