Chapter 258 : All roads lead to Lorazapam

 My body betrayed me. I wanted to hold y breath as soon as the plastic moluded to my cheeks but the physical me had other ideas and sucked in huge lung-fulls the oxygen that swirled around the mask but still I could not stop the tears like I had hoped it would. I wasn’t sobbing no more, my body couldn’t produce the sobs without my head feeling like it was going to rip apart so it simply stopped but the silent tears that stung my eyes and then dripped off of my nose where worse. They were tears of defeat. I wanted to scream and sob, at least then it felt like I was rebelling against the depression that was swallowing me whole. At least I was telling it to go away not waiting till it finished playing with me.

“Deep breaths,” Ava encouraged gently, as she watched my chest rise and fall still to rapidly an effect of the left over crying. “Try and stay controlled,” she added going to an almost wired hypnotic softness, like somehow she was trying to lure me in before she attacked ripping at my flesh with her fingers and tarring me apart. I winced away scratching the mask off of my face so I could curl up with my head tucked in to my chest and my arms over my head. My lungs protested making me try and hack them up. Eventually my stomach protested at my lugs protest and I had to give up my barrier reluctantly so I could scramble to a seating position and expel a frothy clear substance into the bottom of one of the cardboard dishes. All three of the nurses acted immediately grabbing for more bowls apart from Ava who pulled my hair off my face. In the end Emmet was the one who, got the task of holding the bowl stable so I didn’t throw the condense of my stomach over the floor and as always he didn’t mind even if I did.

As soon as I was done with vomiting I curled up again to Emmet’s protest and hid my face with my hands so my greedy body wouldn’t get’ its own way as it tried to root towards the mask that Emmet tried to shove over my mouth again. I could almost hear his silent groan frustration – it was as loud as mine, there was no logical reason why I shouldn’t have had the aid of the oxygen to make me feel better. I was just unable to accept it. Ava and Edward just looked lost.

“I am meant to be doing morning meds,” Emmet said with a groan turning his attention away from me towards Ava. My heart did a summersault and shuddered before the defeated crying turned back into a sob. He was going to leave me too he said he would always come back but it wasn’t the point. I couldn’t stand him leaving at all right then and I didn’t care who missed there “happy pills”

“I can cover the meds. She knows you batter then me and she might talk to you about what has happened. Maybe Edward should vacate for a while as well it must be overwhelming to have us all here while she is so distressed.” I could have hugged her. It didn’t matter how stupid it was or how much she was unaware of it. She had just saved me from being internally ripped apart again.

 

“I am meant to be taking over in the camera room anyway,” Edward confirmed with a nod agreeing with Ava as they both moved off of the floor and got to their feet.  “All you have to do is yell if you need anything.”

“Will do but I think we will be fine.”

“Well I hope you start to feel better soon Mi,” Ava said patting me once on the arm before both Edward and herself took five steps across the floor and let themselves out with ease using the simple key. The simple key that I did not have but Emmet did. He could leave whenever he felt like it and leave me behind like them and… her. My body ached sending another spasm of pain up my body as I tried to repress the frantic tears.

“It’s just me now honey, Edward will turn the sound off on the cameras and pay us no attention unless things get out of control and I need some help getting it back for you. You’re perfectly safe so there is really no need for this barricade of arms and legs you’re hiding behind and I promise I won’t force you to have this mask over your face unless the numbers on the monitor goes under 95. I would really like to see you properly.”

I looked up slowly and uncurled my legs. It was harder then it seemed, every instinct was telling me to be small to not show the shameful tears that dripped from my eyes and down my neck before soaking into my old PJ top. I was meant to be strong still. Staff had learnt that I wasn’t but that didn’t stop the thought in my head that demanded that I was always in control of the entire world. I yelped trying to keep the tears silent. I didn’t understand my reaction or why the thought of Esmee made me want to scratch my brain out of my head. Every time I saw her face in my head it was like being run over by a car repeatedly my ribs never getting time to heal inside my chest.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I know sometimes you can just feel a bit crap but if there is something that has done this and you need someone just to listen or to vent at I am your guy, also if there is anything that I can do to help this situation just let me know.

I wanted to ask him to hug, to press his arms around mine and hold me safe and secure away from everything that could happen. I wanted him to wash away the ECA the foam, the entire unit and I wanted him to remove the crazy bit inside my head or at the very least make me safe from her, but… I couldn’t ask for a hug it was so stupid, juvenile… healing. I cried harder, pressing my hands over my eyes as my shoulders shook.

“Can…can I hold your hand?” I sniffed trying to control myself with gulping breaths. It wasn’t want I wanted but it was easier to ask for then asking for him told me like his two year old daughter again

“Yes of course you can, that’s an easy one.” Emmet lent out both his hands in my directions and spread his fingers out offering them to me. “You can have either one, or both.”

I took his right hand in my good hand and rested my bad wrist into his left letting him wrap his fingers around the splint and my fingers while I squeezed his right hand hard. It left me unprotected to hide but he meant more in some ways. I could tell my tears affected him though he tried to hide it in his face He didn’t mind them, they didn’t make him uncomfortable but he hated the fact he couldn’t dry them.

“It’s going to be OK honey. You are going to have one hell of a head ach at the end of all of this but you are going to be fine, try not to be scared of this, it won’t last forever”

I sobbed harder. I would have thought I would have been impossible but it wasn’t, my whole body rocked backwards and forwards with the motion. My head screamed and so did my lungs the alarm on the monitor also agreed after a few seconds as the numbers reached 94 and I became very aware of the mask that was still laying at Emmets side. I stole my hands back from him and scrambled away off of the mattress and into a padded corner, detaching the monitor from my finger. 

“Ok, Mi I’m going to take control of this situation if you can’t give me a yes to one of these options, I’m going to step in and force some treatment Ok, because you are under a section 3 here and you are not considered to have capacity I am allowed to do that Ok. So you can allow me to put this oxygen on and see how it goes and if it comes up we can wait until this runs its natural course, or I can get some lorazapam and you can take that for me. If you are unable to do that for me I will inject you with the Lorazapam, even if we have to use physical restraint. I understand that this makes me look like the bad guy and you may hate me for a little while but I have to do my job… even with you.”

“It hurts Emmet,” I moaned not knowing the answer he wanted from me. I think the truth was I wanted him to step in because I couldn’t or wouldn’t make the choice.

“OK I’m going to make the pain go away Mi. I’m going to make the choice and I’m going to give you some tablets to take OK.” I nodded once through my tears letting him know that I would take whatever he wanted and do anything he had planned and Emmet turned around preforming a strange dance for the camera and making motions to turn up the volume.

“I’ve got Elizabeth on the case Emmet. She’s going to bring oral and intravenous. Also got C&R on stand bye.” The voice of Edward announced “We’ll get it sorted out.”