I found reality again quicker
then I was ready too. My eyes swooped open again almost as quickly as they had
shut well at least that was what it felt like. However I was now on the floor
laid on my side with one arm above my head and the other rested against my
chin. Unless I was now mastering the art of collapsing into the recover
position i guessed Esmee must have done it.
“It’s just a defense mechanism
for your body, it’s like an overheat button on a kitchen appliance. Things get
too much it just cuts out to prevent damage.”
“I have never been compared to a
washing machine before,” I said as I moved my body upright again. In some ways
she was right though I still had the feelings that I had before and all the
time I was awake and aware of them they grew bigger. But the distress they had
been causing me had calmed now or at least my body refused to react to it with
such force.
“We not appliances we are hell of
a lot more complicated than that but for just that bit it’s a good way of
explaining, things. Well at least it’s a good way of explaining why I am not
rushing to get you medical attention.”
“I’m fine now. I’m just week and
it’s my own fault anyway. I am stupid. This whole strange reality is stupid.
Something’s happened that I can’t change, but I can’t live with it. So where do
I go from here, how do I get out of here alive? I can’t… I can’t cope with
this. I need… I need to stop what’s happening to me.” There was no way of
explaining it. There wasn't an emotion big enough to describe the distress of
the agony that attacked every one of my nerve ending. I just knew I had no
tools to fight it. Even losing the weight wouldn't have made the problem
retreat fast enough. I felt disgusting; like I might as well have had a giant
sign above my head announcing that I was bleeding from my vagina again. It was
irrational but I had no idea how anyone could react to that in any other way
then pure disgust.
“I am disgusting, I squeaked,
allowing myself to weep again as I bundled my body up into a ball that felt too
big and rocked backwards and forwards. “I feel so physically and mentally vile
and I am in so much pain.”
“You Are Beautiful. There is no
way you are going to believe that, and I am sorry because it’s probably even
uncomfortable to hear, but I can’t carry this conversation on without telling
you that inside and out I see stunning beauty shining through.”
I grimaced at the sound of her words. I hated
that she believed what she was saying. She saw some sort of beauty in me behind
the scars and the fat and the ugliness of my feelings. It was like she saw me
through a magic lenses or threw cursed eyes. I was like the haggard witch that
turned herself into a beauty to play her nasty games.
“You can talk to me,” Esmee
whispered her tone lower then it normally was. I responded by shaking my head
and trying to scoot away from her but she stopped me by wrapping one of her
arms over my shoulder and holding my hand against my lap with the other. The
three neatly stacked rings on her finger made me smile for a few seconds. It
was something I wanted. I denied it to myself because I didn't want to live,
but if I had too - If I had to go on in the world – marriage would have been
something that I wanted. More precisely a marriage like hers, I wanted to love
someone as much as she loved Emmet. She had someone to fight for when it came
to the end of the world… and he would never find her disgusting.
“Did something happen with your
body when you went to the bathroom this morning Mi?”
I nodded. What was the point in lying to her?
I hadn't wanted to tell her but that was only because I didn't want her to
laugh but even if she did she would have been right with that as well. My
reaction to a normal function was stupid; even I knew that, that didn't take
the feelings away though.
“I started my period this morning Esmee,” I
whispered. The words where more terrible said aloud to another person, they
sounded even more stupid and it made everything even more helpless. There was
nothing she could do to make it go away, she wouldn't have a solution. She
probably wouldn't even see the problem. “I
know it’s stupid and natural and…”
“Shhhh… It’s not stupid, and it
makes no difference whether it’s natural or a good sign even. To you it must be
terrifying and that is the feeling that matters. I think what we should try and
work out is what about it exactly is the trigger point for your anxiety.”
I looked down at my stomach from
where is sat and concentrated for a few seconds as I saw the skin stretch and
then fall back into place keeping time with my breathing. It filled holes that
before where empty. Far from what I wanted I seemed to have taken up even more
space in the world. Venom pooled around my muscles. “It means I’m fat,” I groaned, punching at my
stomach. Esmee shook her head in a warning but I ignored her and punched at it
again making her scoot back over the floor and grab both of my wrists in her
hands holding them down to my knees. I sighed exasperated pulling my hands into
tight fists even though after all this time the one of them was still
considerably weaker than the other. I growled again even more frustrated at
myself and my crumbling body. I was falling apart from the inside out.
“So all of this is purely about
weight than? There is nothing deeper to it than that?”
“I’m fat!” I snapped unwilling to
listen to other theories. I knew in the end they wound hurt more.
“I think that maybe you are more
scared because your body is doing something else to you that you have no
control over. You didn’t know this was coming and you don’t know how to make it
go away. It’s scary stuff honey, I’m not judging, I just think it is good for
you to understand what all of this is really about.
“Why do you all have to look for
the deeper meaning in everything all of the time! It’s not about control it’s
about looking like a small planet!” I pulled my body out of Esmee’s the tears building
up again inside my chest. It was because she was right. She knew everything
about me before I even did. It wasn’t fair.
I scratched hard at my arms my
head shouting at me again and bashed my head against the wall hoping to feel
some pain but the padding cradled my head. I growled sobbing loudly my throat gurgling
with the effort of trying to make my crying less noisy. I bashed my head again
harder than before is.”
“Come on, I wasn't done with my
hug yet Miss Dorado.” Esmee said tapping her lap for me to come and curl back
up on. I wanted to. I wanted to do just that more than anything in the world
but for some reason I couldn't. Some monster inside of me was keeping us apart.
“I want to hurt myself Esmee. Not
be hugged,” I said breathing uneasy. “I want to rip the skin off of my arms and
knock my head so hard all of the thoughts will just go away and… and…” I
stopped the breath coming faster in my chest, “and I am starting to drown
Esmee.” The words dropped away to nothing.
“That is why Mi I need to you
crawl over here now and sit in my lap and let me hold you tight while I do some
breathing exercises with you. You can beat this. We can push through it. You
don’t need to hurt yourself.”
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