Chapter 255 : Sing me to sleep

Mi

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
Want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Asleep

The Smiths

After forty five minutes Doctor Jordan returned to the unit and did his assessment while in the ECA after complaining about the fact I was not in my pajamas. He decided to leave me in the ECA for 48 hours for observation and then he left demanding that Esmee went with him as there were other patients that needed her time. I had protested and I had screamed, feebly hitting my wrists against the padding of the walls and trying to burst out through the door but of course there was nothing I could really do, he had all the power over me now. He was effectively god in the walls of apple gate house. I spent hours crying after my screaming had passed but eventually that passed as well and there was nothing. I sometimes heard the faint calls of other patients in the hall way and the groaning of the food trolley. No one came to see me throughout the days unless it was to open up the little bathroom at the end of the ECA so I could use the loo. Or they came to syringe feed down the tube in my nose after I refused the liquidized meal that was presented to me in a plastic cup. Apparently there was a chance of me trying to choke myself if I was given solid food.

Esmee started her night shifts the second night I was in the ECA and without Dr Jordan she was the highest in charge so she chose to spend the entire night in the corner of the room writing in folders and trying to talk to me but I had nothing to say. I felt completely destroyed and the depression had taken me to a whole new level, it appeared that rock bottom was actually a myth, something people used as a form of hope, but there was no rock bottom, despair and depression where actually bottomless pits.

“You need to sleep Mi.” Esmee said getting up from her position in the corner and approaching me. I had been pacing the room for what felt like hours counting the steps in my head. I had got to 10,013 when Esmee took hold of my hand stopping me causing me to spin round and stare at her like she had just electrocuted me with her touch. Tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks at the sight of her gentle features but they didn’t really have any feeling with them. I had not stopped crying inside any way.

“Your shattered baby girl and you need to sleep.” Esmee repeated gently raising up one hand and wiping the tears off of the side of my face. “Your body is screaming at you to give in. you have been awake for over twenty four hours and you’re body needs sleep to heal, without it you’re not even giving it a chance. Let me get you some Zopliclone to take, or at least some Lorazapam to take the edge off of the feelings.

I shook my head biting hard on the bottom of my lip before dragging my eyes away from her so I could keep pacing the room. Counting was the only thing I had left now. Sleep was for the weak. For the not pure people and I would be perfect in or out of the ECA. I didn’t care if it killed me, I hated life anyway. What was the point?

“Come on, that’s enough Mi.” She took hold of me by the shoulders and headed me towards the mattress that occupied the corner of the room and pushed me down onto it.  I instantly started to rock back and forth counting the movements. “Lie down for me, come on,” Esmee said even more softly as she sat down on the mattress next to me and uncurled my limbs, pulling my body down to a lying position with my head rested in her lap. I tried to resist but my body had no strength left to fight. She could have done anything she wanted to me there and then and there would have been nothing I could do about it. I was once again someone else’s dolly. The only difference was Esmee played nice; that I was thankful for.

Esmee smoothed her fingers over my tangled hair with one hand while she held on to my hand with the other, tracing her finger tips over the scars that were on them. She also sang very gently under her breath forcing my muscles to give up the fight to remain on guard. I had no chance against her voice I would have to sleep, and I did.