Chapter 242 : The visit

Things became fuzzy very quickly after I threw up enough times and the state of numbness that I had been looking for since I had entered into the unit at last found me. I could just about hear Esmee and Emmet talking to me gently though I didn’t know what they were saying and I could feel Esmee’s gentle hands rubbing up and down on my back but they seemed to be less intense than usual - Almost unimportant.

My whole world seemed collapsed into a slow motion dream sequence as I removed my hands from the edge of the sink and turned my back on what I had just done. In this state it really was a sense of “out of sight, out of mind.” I took big breaths that weren’t really needed but I liked the feel of my chest being expanded right out and sinking back into place again. I could feel the ribs under the skin still when I did this, standing out prominent and pound from the rest of the wreckage that was my body.

“You see you can do it when you, try. When you do exactly what I tell you to do. Who needs them? Who needs food? Is it worth it when you can feel like this?”

The feeling was of my body shutting down from the inside. My brain was sending signals for all the vital bits to work harder because of the unexpected emotional distress and vomiting but at the same time it was telling the bits that weren’t keeping me alive to slow down. It felt like I could bulldoze through the stone wall into the outside of the world if I wanted to but not make the few steps it would take to get there. I was alive yet dying and it felt… fantastic.

I took a few more deep breaths with a smile on my face then opened my eyes to the real world again. I felt so different that I was almost sure that the physical world must have changed and in a way it had… Sophie had come to visit and was now sitting crossed legged on the counter as real as anyone.