Chapter 274 : Responsible

I felt Emmets grip tighten around me as I told the news. His heart picked up speed in his chest until it sounded like a freight train going through my ears. It sounded like he was about to have a panic attack but I know he wouldn’t that was a lot closer reality to me as realisation crept more and more into the for front. I knew that reality was she would probably die that I had in fact in essence found her dead. But the Panic and sadness came when I understood what dead meant. That she wouldn’t be there. That I would never see her again. That she would never reach a stable weight or fight cutting. Get married Have children. Grow old.

“I just let her out the ECA,” Emmet said stiffly. “I put her on green observations. I fought  for that. I told Doctor Jordan that even though she was unpredictable it was all progress. That she could be safely managed. I did that. I went against him. He wanted amber at least and I pushed for green. I did that.” Emmet’s voice was pained and distant. He blamed himself. His grip went week around me and he sank to the floor. His head in his hands. He made no sound I’m not even sure he produced any tears but he felt so, so far away from me.   

“Emmet…Emmet I demanded, crouching beside him. Without him I would panic. I would disintegrate. Slip, slide, tumble and Break. “Emmet I pleaded.” His body quivered but he made no movement. He did not speak to ease my fear he did not smile or reach for me. He did not kiss the base of my throat or touch my hands. There was nothing else to do apart from be with him so I sat defeated on the floor my eyes drifting over the kitchen.

We sat for ages not saying anything just listening to the thickness of the air around us watching Mia get impatient as she finished eating and bashed the spoon in her bowl. I looked for the answers but I didn’t even really know the right questions.

“I am responsible for this,” Emmet eventually said taking his head out of his hands. His skin was white and grey his lips devoid of colour.

“No you’re not. Of course you’re not.” I reached for him past the silence past the haze of resistance he gave out and touched his cheek brushing my finger up over his lips and down his chin and that’s when he broke, when his numbness retreated and the pain slipped him. His face cracked, his head low and huge heaves of tears engulfed him washing over his shoulders and down his spine in waves braking over the surface.

“Emmet. I love you,” I whispered scooting over to him and pulling his as close to me as my small stature would allow him to be, I wanted to tell him that it was all right but that wouldn’t be true. So what else was there to say?