Chapter 270 : Home at last

The bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink, but I knew the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting too soon. There was only going to be one chance to get it right. I needed to be quick, precise. I could not fail this time. 

 I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tendons and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently and that was what I wanted. I needed to be gone before Esmee had the chance to bring me back.

Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done, was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flashed before my eyes was the disgusting smell of  anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my nose and the back of my throat. The picture of suicide in my head had always been romantic. Even though every attempt on my life had confirmed to me that it wouldn’t be in a way I still expected it. I wanted ruby spilled blood and lush ebony hair draped over the side of the bath full of rose petals not anti-septic spell and searing pain in my wrists. There was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. Death just hurt but one person pushed me on and made me smile. I would be with her again soon.

“Arabella I’m coming now.” I whispered trying to block out the part that told me to use the last of my energy to scream for help, that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood, but at least it was a way. It was the get out of jail free card I had been looking for in a whole deck of chance cards. I was going to die. I would become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I knew there I would never feel any pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last.