Chapter 271 : She had to be dead

Esmee

 “Mi, I’m doing checks.” I shouted into the bathroom door about quarter of an hour after Mi told me she was going to have a bath. It was nice to see her looking better after her hell of a time in the ECA and I was glad she was getting back into the swing of things, in short she seemed for the first time that she was doing ok. “Mi I have to come in and check if you are OK sweat pea. If you want to shove a towel over yourself or something that would be good,” I shouted back through the door before twisting my fingers in the release lock and opening the door a jar so I could see in around the corner.

“Mi honey, Mi… … Mia!” I yelled as I took in what was in front of me. Mi was laid under the now bright red bath water with her eyes closed. I recoiled at the sight as my eyes went fuzzy with tears and I almost vomited over myself. She had to be dead, there was no way she could survive this. I couldn’t get the facts to get right inside my head or work out what I should be doing. Mi was dead. Mi was dead. She had been smiling at me fifteen minutes ago and now she was under bright red water. It wasn’t fair we had all tried so hard for her and she had come so far. I had held her in my arms and told her that I was going to protect her and now she was dead.

As quick as they went away they came back again and my nursing instincts took over she had to be dead but I had to try there was still a chance if she had only stooped breathing. It was remote and unlikely but I had to try and bring her back. Scrambling to make my legs work I smashed the button on my RRA and then darted over the door and smashed the little blue alarm under the fire alarm. Every room and corridor in the unit automatically filled with sound and a posh woman announced the words “code blue.”

“Come on Mi fight this baby,” I moaned after going back to the bath and plunging my hands into the scolding hot water so I could get her out of the bath. I knew the image of her would be set there forever inside my head but I had to work through it I had to get her heart beating. Getting her out of the bath I laid her down on her back on the floor. She had to be dead… she looked barely human as I looked over her with blue lips and purple sunken eyelids. Her skin was pasty white with no hint of colour in her cheeks and she was bleeding arterially from both wrists and possibly from her legs… she had to be dead. It was impossible.

Clearing my head as best as I could I whipped off of Mi’s lips and tilted her head back pinched her nose and breathed twice into her lungs before I turned my attention to her chest. I hated giving CPR. It was brutal and it was violent and it often broke ribs but it was the only way it would work so without thinking I pressed my hands deep into her chest wincing as the rest of her body flopped about under the pressure. I felt like I was beaten up the broken but it had to be done if there was any chance, if there was any small hope that I could save her.

“What’s going on Esmee?” Jean shouted puffing and panting as she reached the bathroom door at a run talking to a person on the end of the phone.

“It’s Mi,” I moaned watching as water spilled out the edges of Mi’s lips at the same time as I pumped hard upon her chest “I found her underwater in the bath after she cut herself. She’s got an arterial bled from each wrist and there is a really nasty gash on her leg. She’s not breathing and she hasn’t got a pulse.”  I heard Jean rattle off the information to ambulance control on the phone but my head became distant. It wasn’t fair. She had tried so hard to fight.

“Come on baby, live, please just live, it gets better I promise, just breath for me,” but there was nothing she was fading and I couldn’t bring her back… she had to be dead.

Chapter 270 : Home at last

The bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink, but I knew the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting too soon. There was only going to be one chance to get it right. I needed to be quick, precise. I could not fail this time. 

 I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tendons and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently and that was what I wanted. I needed to be gone before Esmee had the chance to bring me back.

Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done, was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flashed before my eyes was the disgusting smell of  anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my nose and the back of my throat. The picture of suicide in my head had always been romantic. Even though every attempt on my life had confirmed to me that it wouldn’t be in a way I still expected it. I wanted ruby spilled blood and lush ebony hair draped over the side of the bath full of rose petals not anti-septic spell and searing pain in my wrists. There was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. Death just hurt but one person pushed me on and made me smile. I would be with her again soon.

“Arabella I’m coming now.” I whispered trying to block out the part that told me to use the last of my energy to scream for help, that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood, but at least it was a way. It was the get out of jail free card I had been looking for in a whole deck of chance cards. I was going to die. I would become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I knew there I would never feel any pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last. 

Chapter 269 : She will remember me

For the rest of the day my head worked overtime as i behaved as I was meant to. It was no point in just reacting. There was no point in cutting my arms and getting stitched up it had to be perfect and planed and not impulse that made me react to my new found sharp objects because there purpose wasn’t self-harm. They weren’t meant to give me a temporary oblivion – they had to knock me into oblivion. Doctor Jordan in a way had been right, He was looking for a solution and I had found one. The truth was his dark side had probably considered it briefly as well when he wasn’t thinking. If I wasn’t there, there wasn’t a problem. I had to put an end to everything and I was going to. By three that afternoon I had had my plan made and it was going to be my last day on earth. I just had to wait until the right time and the right place which had been set for nine forty five that evening.

I watched the sun set that evening and I almost cried as I watched the sun turn the whole sky orange. It was pretty and it was the last time I was going to see it there in the sky and what was almost even sadder was I was the only one that new it was going to be my last time so everyone else reacted normal there was a tomorrow for them but for me there was nothing.    

“You look deep thought.” Esmee smiled as she stood at my door after the forth check of the night since she had been on shift. It was quarter to ten and time that I was going to react on what I had been planning. Every part of me hurt with the way that she smiled at me from my door way and a part of me small and not able to push at the darkness wanted to scream at her not to leave for the next time she would see me I would be dead but it was nothing compared to the force of the plan that I had and it was only her that made it difficult without her there was no spark. If someone else happened to be doing my checks there would have been no doubts that my plan was right.  

“not really,” I replied forcing myself to smile at Esmee even though I wanted to cry. “I was thinking about going and having a bath. I used to find it quite relaxing it might help me sleep too.” I said trying to look at the way she stood in my door way. There was something about her perfect black eyes and strawberry scented red locks that made my heart feel like it was going to bleed from the pressure when I saw it. She was perfect and adorable and she was going to be the one to find me lying still under the red water when my plan worked. She would be the one to pull my body out and it would be her mouth that was pressed against mine and her hands that would pound through my ribs to my lungs as she tried to save my life and what was worse was I was sure she would remember this day for the rest of her life. She would replay this conversation and look for clues to my plan and how she could have prevented it and there was nothing I could do to stop her or reassure her that I would have fooled all of them. That it wasn’t her fault and I really wanted to die. In short the worst thing was she would remember me and that would haunt her forever