“Right, I don’t want
to keep digging at this because I can see that it making you really distressed
and that isn’t something that will help right now. What I would like to do is go
through your care plan your care team
and I have come up with for you it includes new medications some therapy groups
and a small operation to have a new tube that goes right into your stomach.
My body froze solid everything under my skin turning to ice
as the words where mentioned. I did not care about the pills. They meant
nothing to me. I slipped them over my tongue and down into my tummy without
thinking about it and in turn they did nothing apart from make me fairly nauseated.
The groups I could manage if I had too, I sat in silence as other people played
games with the OT’s that promised to make them better but the PEG tube was
something different. I had seen what
that meant. One of my only friends had the tubes snaked into her belly where
they chose what they fed her. They wouldn’t even have to try.
“I don’t want it.” I said sternly shaking my head.” You have
already got a tube into me I don’t want one that goes into tummy. I am not your
pin cushion even if you think I am.” I shook my head trying desperately not to cry
in front of him. Any closeness I had felt with him at that moment when he had
put his hand on me had left. It was all an uphill struggle and it felt like he
was putting road blocks on the hills. He was making my world crash around my ankles
my future ring inside my ears “I don’t want the tube.” I said my breath
catching in my throat the sound of tears betraying me.
I understand that but this treatment has been set up for you
and it will be in your best interests because of your section we can and we
will force this for you. NG tubes have a short life and it has come to the end
of yours however your anorexia is sever still weather you have your periods
back or not and we need a way to feed you.
His words meant nothing. They were white noise and intense feelings
pushing in under the surface of my over inflated belly they were ice acid in my
veins and… that was when my eyes caught it the familiar colours and shapes of the
moulded plastic concealing a perfect and tiny silver blade. It was my way out. They
could not tube me if I was dead.
“Do you have any questions you want to ask me?” Doctor
Jorden asked as he left his chair and turned his back on me giving me a chance
to swipe two of the pencil sharpeners from the dish that was next to the
picture of a toothy seven year old.
“I don’t think so.” I said forcing a smile “I’m sure things
will get better soon.” I flipped the pencil sharpeners inside my pocket just before
he turned to me and smiled.
“You can be treated Mi. Sophie and everything can be
treated. No one is giving up here.”
“I know there is always a solution to every problem, even me.”
I left the room smiling
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