Esmee
My head
screamed in protest. And then it screamed back at itself. I wanted the blade
open up my skin then watch as blood burst out from the veins by force and
emptied over the kitchen floor, but I couldn’t allow that to happen at the same
time. I spent my life telling teenagers to fight and throwing them to the floor
when they said that they couldn’t. I had to fight and I had to win alone. There
was no one that was going to throw me to the floor if in the end I decided that
emptying my vines would be the best idea, and the person to find me… my
bouncing baby two year old daughter. She by herself should have been enough for
me but she almost wasn’t. I loved her more than anything in the world, the
trouble was, even though I hated myself for it, a part of me loved cutting as
well.
I studied the
blade between my fingers as I bounced the balls of my feet up and down against
the floor. It was a very unimpressive object to have so much power over me. It was
tiny and unimportant compared to some things in the world but it towered over
me with its presence and left me breathless and on the edge of vomiting. I
wanted it so much. One cut would save me. It promised it would change the past
the present and move mountains inside my head. It was impossible to describe
what wonders it promised me if I just let myself press the tip into my skin.
“mummy!” My
head snapped up at the word said in the sweetest innocent voice and I jumped up
from my seat as Mia ran into the room with green painted fingers at the ready.
She roared playfully at me on the spot before hopping forward to my feet and
grabbing hold of my leg.
“Hello missy!
Did you miss me?” I asked placing my hands in under her arms and lifting her
into the air above my head as she squealed and kicked her feet. Her hands
grasping out towards my face so I kissed the palms of them and pretended to
nibble her fingers before I placed her back on the floor. She ran back out of the
kitchen towards Leo who scoped her up
and held her against his hip walking into the kitchen wither her.
“Was she
good?” I asked at the same time as turning away from him discreetly trying to
hide the box that was still on the side from view. I knew that the blade was
still on the floor where I had dropped it when Mia had called out to me but it
was hidden on the black tiles from peoples view. I could retrieve it later.
“She was a
little angel as always weren’t you,” Leo smiled turning to Mia and kissing the
side of her face. “I am sorry she is a little green, we got the worst of it off.
I am sure the rest of it will come off in the bath.”
“That’s fine,
I’m just glad that she had fun. How about you Lenny? Are you OK?” I asked as
Lenny came and stood beside Leo and ruffled up Mia’s ginger hair. His fingers
were also stained green with paints.
“Yeah I’m
fine thanks. I have a twilight shift on the RRV tonight that I am not looking
forward to but I can’t moan too much, not with you working nights and still
having to get up this early.” I rolled my eyes with a forced smile on my face
before reaching up and pushing the offending cupboard closed.
“You have
time for a cuppa or have you got to rush off?” I prayed that they would have time;
being left alone would leave me venerable. Mia would not have been enough to
keep me OK. She was already rubbing her eyes on Leos shoulder and would be
going down for her nap. To cut myself when I was the only one looking after her
was almost unthinkable, and as a mother I wanted to scoff at the idea, however,
I was week.
“Yeah I think
we have a bit of time. Why don’t you go and put miss sleepy here down for her
nap Lenny and I will give Esmee a hand with the Tea?” Leo handed over Mia to
Lenny and they moved back out of the corridor and up the stairs, while I span
around and grabbed the kettle dragging it over to the sink.
I jumped as
Leo placed his hand on my shoulder and almost dropped the kettle. I could feel
my hands shaking and my breath short and stuttering inside my lungs. It had
taken a while but the adrenalin had finally kicked in flooding my system. It
made me feel physically sick to think of what my own daughter might have walked
into see. It made me sick that I could cut myself when she was under the same
roof as me. It made me angry that all I could really still think about was the
blade under the table or how the kettle would feel pressed into the side of one
of my thighs.
“Do you need
me to have a look at them?” Leo asked wrapping his arm over my shoulders. “It’s
OK, I just want to know if they need some stitches or something.”
“I haven’t
done anything.” I turned around where I stood so I could look at him. “Look at
my arms, clear.” I pushed them towards his face like somehow that would prove
my point even though I know it didn’t. I could already see his eyes wondering
down to my thighs. “I didn’t Leo, trust me, it’s much worse than that, blood it
relatively easy to deal with compared to this.”
“You want to,”
Leon said his voice now worried. We had suddenly stepped out of his comfort
zone. He could give stitches and administer pain killers but he admitted that
this side lost him. He openly admired us for our jobs and claimed he had no
desire to ever be in our shoes. It wasn’t fair what I had just asked of him but
I nodded anyway gripping onto his shoulders. I wouldn’t win the fight alone.
:)
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