“All
right, that’s OK. I know that these situations can escalate really quickly but
I need you to try and stay calm for me. I know that it is going to be hurting
but try and rest assure that the pain cannot physically harm you OK.”
“I
can’t do this,” I groaned pressing my eyes close so I didn’t have to look at
Esmee. I scratched roughly at the flesh on my arms feeling the skin peal up
under my finger nails. It was harming but it wasn’t the right feeling. I huffed
in frustration at the lack of glorious stinging and liquid reward. My body
burned and my brain folded in as my lugs swelled in the excess blood. I
groaned, panting.
“Ok,
here try this,” Esmee said snapping the elastic band off of her wrist and pulling
it on over mine before she very gently made it tort and let it go the elastic
snapping on the top of my wrist. The shock allowed me to gasp in some air. It
had helped, not much, not enough to make the flames die down on the pressure in
my chest bearable, but it had done something small.
“If
it helps use it, but very gently. If you begin to harm yourself with it, like
it cuts the skin, or bruises it or even if it gets to red I will take it away
from you. It’s a tool to use to help you stop, not a weapon to help you do it.
“Esmee,
one of the other docs just told me that you were in. I was writing up some notes
in majors. Then I heard of the assault. You weren’t involved were you?” a
doctor with caramel colored well styled hair asked Esmee patting her on the
shoulder as he appeared out of nowhere. “What are you doing here anyway? Are
you sick?”
“I’m
on shift Leo, I’m just chaperoning Mi,” Esmee answered glancing in my
direction.
I
smiled weekly as the doctor that Esmee called Leo looked over my squirming body.
I tried to make the elastic band work for me even though I knew that it
wouldn’t it had had its impact already. It granted me that tiny second of
breathing but now there was nothing to help and I couldn’t breathe… and I
couldn’t…speak…. Or focus… or… I yelped, desperate tears moistening my cheeks.
“Hi
beautiful,” The doctor smiled crouching down in front of me so he was equal in
height, “Has my friend been looking after you for us?” He asked again as he
reached out and grasped my fore arm in his hand. His skin was cold on top of
mine and smooth to touch and for the weirdest of moments even if it was just
seconds he brought be back to a normal temperature, making me calm, then it was
over.
I
nodded gently to answer his question
“Yeah
she’s a good gal isn’t she,” He smiled again parting his lips to reveal a
perfect straight line of white well cared for teeth. “All right darling, I can
see you are really struggling right now and there is sure as hell very little I
will be able to do to help but Esmee is great at these sort of things and there
is a free room opened up just on the other side of the apartment where I am
meant to be working right now and I was wondering if you would like to come and
take a seat in there for me.”
The
other side of the apartment was majors and beyond that was resus I had spent my fair amount of time in all of them, occupying
bays and doctors times. Sometimes they were frantic pushing blood in and
pulling it out as drugs persuaded the body that its fight for my survival was a
worthwhile one even though my mind may have had other ideas about the best
outcome. I had never once found myself in majors for a wrist injury though.
“That’s
majors,” I pointed out stupidly to the doctor. It only felt like my soul was on
fire - from what I could tell I hadn’t actually suffered from spontaneous combustion.
“Yeah
I know,” The doctor smiled taking me under the arms and guiding me to my
unsteady feet which threatened to wobble out from under me, adrenaline pain and
something else I wasn’t sure off making my whole body shake. “It’s just a room
sweet, don’t worry you’re perfectly fine, it’s just all these are full at the
moment and it looks like you could do with a little privacy. Esmee will stay
with you of course, maybe she can even direct me if there is anything that I can
do to make you feel better right now.
He
didn’t need direction from Esmee. I had all the answers to his questions if he
was willing to have an open mind. I was with them most of the way of course.
When it came to others I was against the allure of self-harm as passionately as
any one of the nurses that now filled my life on a daily basis, but I was
always a little bit different and right then, at that moment, it felt unbearable
inside of me.
I
flicked the elastic band hard against the underside of my wrist causing the
elastic to bite the skin. It threatened to produce blood but failed leaving me
gasping for the air that was left. The threat of the blood had helped for a fraction
of a second but had made it hundred times worse when it failed to produce any
in the end. I was so close I could smell it, hear it, taste it but not feel its
joy. The frenzy took me.
“That’s
enough, I warned you that I would take it away if it became a weapon,” Esmee
stated her hand coming down to meet mine and peeling the elastic off of my
wrist and back onto hers before I could stop her.
“Bitch,”
I snarled turning myself to her the frenzy that had took over me processing different
parts of my body like a monster. The insignificant bits that were left of the
real me shouted out, they knew I hadn’t meant my words and the monster that was
growing withered somewhat giving me enough time to apologize behind clenched
teeth.
“It’s
Ok I’ve heard worse and I can take it, I know you don’t mean it. Come on let’s
get you into this other room,” Esmee prompted before grabbing my arm and
dragging me towards Majors as they eyes of minors watched on taking in the
show. I would no doubt be the story they told there friends that evening; the
tale of the teenage that descended to hell.
